


Tiens Toi Sauve Toi

by Susanoosama01



Series: My Midam Fics [14]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Escort Service, M/M, Phobias, eventual midam, this is a midam fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 61,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25991740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Susanoosama01/pseuds/Susanoosama01
Summary: This is Michael's last chance. To marry Dean, he has to beat his fear of touching or being touched. And he will do anything necessary for that. Even going so far as to call an escort doesn't seem like too bad of an idea now.Adam will take any means necessary to pay for his tuition. He can't afford to drop out and lose his childhood dream. As soon as he becomes a doctor, he will quit this life and this work.
Relationships: Michael & Adam Milligan, Michael & Dean Winchester, Michael/Adam Milligan, Michael/Dean Winchester
Series: My Midam Fics [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1725154
Comments: 130
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Important:  
> I am not a doctor or in no way educated in medical conditions other than some personal research. I do not mean to offend anyone with this condition or any other conditions in any way. I am doing my best to get things right but please warn me if you feel offended or hurt by any description in this fic. Thanks!

Michael leans back on his desk chair and sighs loudly as he flips the small card between his fingers.  _ Is he really going to do it?  _ Even the name of the business is absurd.  _ Juliet&Angels _ as if that doesn’t make it obvious just what kind of trade theirs is. Did the founder not think at all when coming up with this name? Did they not consider how it would affect their work? The most obvious matter is billing. Of course men would be pretty willing to pay but who would want that name showing up in their credit card bill? Doesn’t this kind of establishment mostly target married men or ones to want to keep the services they receive a secret for some other reason? Doesn’t it make them lose clients? 

The whole thing is idiotic. And Michael is an idiot for considering it but… Does he have another chance? Can he find another way? The bottles of pills in his drawer shine as if mocking him at this moment of confusion. He remembers every session of the therapy he has been receiving for the last four years. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t take him anywhere. The antidepressants no longer prevent the momentary panic or anxiety too. He has tried everything with his doctor. The cognitive behaviour therapy was supposed to teach him new thought processes and behaviours to help him deal with this. Yet no matter how much he tried, Michael couldn’t just get his head together. He could never forget the flames, the lingering touch of a hand slowly loosening its grip around his wrist. Whenever he tried to think about his unreasonable fear and convince himself to not be afraid, he remembered that day. So that method only ended up with him having panic attacks. His disappointed doctor had then given him the pills. They started with small doses few and far between, almost nonexistent. As the doses grew, it even worked for a while. Michael showed progress but quickly receded back to square one without a reason once they tried to get him to slowly quit the antidepressants. The last method, exposure therapy, is the most effective Dr. Novak said. And Michael needs the best of it. He didn’t show any progress at the clinic yet. Now, he has to try it outside simultaneously. The support of his partner is very important, the man emphasized. 

Michael sighs again. He can’t ask Dean. He can’t force the other man like that now when he has just opened his auto repair shop and started to work with classic cars like he has been imagining since their childhood. Dean is already tired of this issue. Their wedding was supposed to be that summer. Now it has been four years of struggle, waiting and hoping. Michael is the problem between the two of them. He is- They are engaged. They used to share an apartment. Now, Dean can’t even hold his hand.  _ Haphephobia. _ A fear of being touched. How ridiculous. Dr. Novak believes it is the PTSD triggering Michael’s condition but no amount of psychotherapy worked with him. He separated their beds first then moved into another flat. Dean has already shown great patience and support. How can Michael ask for more? He knows how this works. Exposure is hard, scary. There will be fits, panic attacks, crying, screaming, isolating himself in a locked room, passing out maybe and God knows what else. It will be emotionally tiring, draining even. How can Michael make Dean go through it all? 

So this is why he has to do it. The email screen is already open in front of him. He just needs to describe what he is looking for and accept to pay the price they will give. An electronic signature on a contract will seal it all. He will have someone to come over, to dine with him, to cook with him, to watch a movie with him, to sit next to him and play games with him. He will have a  _ friend. _ And he is doing it for a friend. Not a courtesan. No. He is engaged and in love with Dean. They are going to get married soon. Michael is doing it for Dean. He will get used to another’s presence again. He will get used to the light touches on the arm, the greeting kisses on the cheek and the playful slaps on the head. He will learn to laugh and relax with someone close by. He will move back in with Dean again. And they will rediscover each other. When it’s their wedding night finally, Michael will not fail to kiss his husband or to hold him close all night. He will do it. He will heal himself. 

With a deep breath to get strength, Michael starts to slowly type on his laptop. 

_ Male. Does house calls. Blond if possible. Generally kind and cheerful. Not too eager or aggressive. Someone to relax with. Should be open to and ready for special conditions not of the sexual kind but about the time he spends in my flat. Tidy and respectful. May demand going out together but will spend most of the time in the flat. Overall, a companion or someone to be here.  _

He only hopes that makes sense for whoever’s reading these things. The mouse hovers over the send button for a few seconds before Michael clicks it. He didn’t describe his special conditions in the email. Probably will be best to talk it out with the escort. He is ready to pay extra even. But he can’t deal with being rejected. He can’t go around looking for escort services. He can’t risk being found out. He doesn’t have the time either. He needs to act as soon as possible. He has to do this. Or else he will lose his whole life. He won’t ever be able to go to his office or to the Court again. As a lawyer, he can’t keep mostly working from home. He won’t ever be able to spend time with his friends. He won’t ever do anything with Dean again. He won’t ever hug his brothers again. And he can’t lose those. Not his work. Not his friends. Not his fiancé. Not his remaining family. He can’t just drift apart. 

He prays he will get this thing right. 

* * *

_ Got a new one for you, sunshine. Will become a regular. Boyfriend experience. Seems to me there won’t be much sex involved. Housecalls but safe. 8-10pm on weekdays. Weekends free. What do you say? _

Adam’s phone vibrates on the desk in the middle of the lecture. He unlocks the screen and reads the whole text when he sees the contact name. Crowley doesn’t like to wait. His eyes widen when he sees it. He rereads just to be sure. Ten hours a week. Equals to five hundred dollars a week. The professor's voice fades into the background. 

He has been doing this for two years now. Ever since his father passed away leaving nothing to Adam who legally wasn’t even his son. His mom died when he was fifteen. High school was a boarding school somewhere with regular pocket money transferred into his account while his father lived his life with his wife and two sons. They all knew about Kate Milligan. They all knew about Adam. His mom was a past mistake. Adam was a responsibility to be kept out of the good of John Winchester’s heart. The man would come around on his birthday and take him to a random ball game. When the school was closed in the summer, Adam would stay at his aunt’s and work in their diner until he passed out from exhaustion. He despised the summer time. It was when he felt most like an orphan, an abandoned child. 

Adam met his brothers for the first time in his father's funeral. He had been told to go by his teachers and his aunt who was his legal guardian until he turned eighteen a few weeks after John Winchester died. And of course, as expected, Adam didn’t inherit anything. John’s name wasn’t even on his ID. He wasn’t the man’s child. And rightfully, Mary Winchester didn’t want anything to do with Adam. Her older son copied her in everything. The younger one watched Adam with something he couldn’t quite figure out but it resembled pity so much, Adam hated that too. Just like that, he was left truly alone in the world. 

Being a pre-med was his dream. But part time jobs didn’t pay for tuition. And Adam was just eighteen with no qualifications for anything. He had met Kevin just then. Quickly, they had become friends. Kevin was a history major. Adam was his roommate in the dorms for a month before Kevin was transferred to another building. After hearing Adam’s story, he had carefully slid a business card over the table to him.  _ Juliet&Angels.  _ So Adam had of course ended up taking the opportunity. 

Once again, he swears to himself. He will never do this kind of work once he is a doctor. Not again. Never again. But for now, he is quite lucky. Crowley is classy and actually kind deep down if a little creepy having named his agency after his dog. Adam suspects he has something going on with Kevin thus he is treating Kevin’s friend well too but it isn’t any of his business. What concerns him is that Crowley knows what he does and keeps things completely safe. Also he doesn’t make them work like slaves putting everything else in a second plan nor does he take too much money. Adam works for sixty-five an hour. Only fifteen goes to Crowley. So Adam isn’t in a too bad place. If he makes this deal, it means two grand a month. Regularly. 

He doesn’t even have to think much. Having that steady amount in his account even if only for a few months will help a lot. Also he won’t have to take any extra jobs. He can work part time on weekends and study a lot if there aren't random clients any hour of any day too. 

He quickly types his answer then turns his eyes back to the powerpoint presentation in front of him. 

* * *

On monday, Michael dresses up in comfortable jeans and a black casual shirt. He decides to order takeout the first night. He will meet this Adam just tonight. They will have to sit and talk about what Michael wants of him before anything else. Obviously, he won’t be asking for company in his bedroom so they will have plenty of time to just get to know each other. If Adam refuses to work under these conditions, Michael will still pay and try again. 

To calm his nerves is harder tonight than usual. He decides to do something he never does in his home and takes two white pills with a sip of water. It should help him better handle the situation if something goes wrong or if he freaks out for some reason. 

He is doing this for Dean. He is doing this for himself. He is doing this to get his life back. He reminds himself of everything he learned by heart till tonight. He will move carefully, he will have Adam sat then explain his condition slowly. He thought not mentioning it at all and trying by himself but quickly decided that forcing his mind won’t be the way to overcome that stupid phobia of his. And  _ Juliet&Angels _ had their guidelines written pretty clearly though a little detailed and long. Michael read through the sixty-six pages yesterday. Powerplay or any kinks their escorts aren’t comfortable with are banned. Michael can’t just order one of them to not touch him in any way unless he touches them first. He can’t make any dangerous demands like that one. Or else their security will come in and get the escort out as was written in the contract he signed. 

He checks the fridge for his stock of beers, non-alcoholic drinks and the pastries he bought just to give himself something to do. It is half past seven now. He doesn’t have much time left to mentally prepare himself for the meeting. He can do this. He can manage.  _ He has to. _

* * *

The neighbourhood is fairly nice, better than what Adam is used to. But then again, what he does isn’t exactly a cheap hobby. Whoever is Michael, he must be doing well. Adam only hopes the man isn’t married or something. Not all the clients asking for what they nicknamed the ‘boyfriend experience’ are single. Sometimes they are married to women and only discover their sexualities and sometimes they are married to men who take the role they want for themselves. So they move away, take a break or simply call an escort when their partner is away on a work trip or something. Adam never lived through something like that but he heard Kevin got caught to the wife with the husband once. Apparently, he had to call the security to come get him with a car immediately and throw himself out of the house as soon as possible as the woman screamed at the man. 

He finds the address fairly easily. Three minutes before it turns eight, he rings the doorbell and gives himself a mental slap on the shoulder. He can do this. He has to make Michael like him and he will get to keep the job for as long as Michael wants to do this. He needs the extra cash. He has to do his best tonight. 

* * *

They end up sitting across from each other on two facing sofas with a coffee table between them and two glasses of fruit soda because Adam quietly reminded Michael of the rule about not drinking on their ‘dates’, refused the beer then watched Michael open a sealed bottle of soda to simply pour into a glass to make sure nothing is mixed in. All the while, Michael felt like a total idiot. Now, his palms are already sweating as Adam looks around the living room and the joined kitchen with confused curiosity written over his face. 

“You know usually the clients are on me the moment I step inside. Not that I don’t appreciate a good chat but…” Adam trails off there making Michael sigh. He raises a hand to take his glass to his lips and immediately Adam’s gaze is zeroed on his ring. Well, that’s a good place to start, straight into the topic. So Michael puts his soda down after a few sips and clears his throat before starting to speak.

“I am not married. This is an engagement ring. I- I have pictures but I collected all of them from around the house so you don’t feel uncomfortable.” Adam raises a brow and leans back on the sofa seeming to consider how to answer to that for a moment. “That’s…  _ very thoughtful _ Michael. It’s not my place to question it anyway. Stuff happens. I am just here to help you have a good time.” The younger man finally reaches for his drink as Michael coughs awkwardly. 

“No, Adam. It’s nothing like that. Listen, I don’t want sexual services from you. I… have a condition. The special conditions I wanted you to be ready to accept. I have- I can’t touch people. And I don’t like it when someone touches me. This is going to be a part of my treatment. I love my fiancé. I just need to get over this. We are going to get married soon. So, I expect your help in exchange for my payment. I will need for you to be simply here. I will need to ease myself into beating that phobia. That’s all.” 

If Adam was surprised before, he is bewildered now. But the younger man collects himself quickly and nods. “You do realize that I’m an-” Michael interrupts him there. “Yes, I am aware of your profession. But this is what I want as the client. Can you give it to me?” Once again, Adam nods after a small while of thought. “Sure. I mean you’re paying for my time. You choose what we do with it. Just, are you seeing a proper doctor? Because a condition like that might suggest several other cases of specific phobias or post traumatic stress disorder, even a malfunction or damage in some areas of the brain. I am not really an expert but that’s exactly why you should get professional help. You described haphephobia if I remember the name correctly but have you been diagnosed by someone qualified? There are other methods to deal with these kinds of situations. Exposure therapy is usually the last solution. I am sure you know our terms. I may not accept staying here if I don’t deem it safe for the both of us.” 

This time Michael is the one surprised. And impressed. He is very impressed because this young man in front of him is clearly clever and educated. He doesn’t actually look older than a teenager but he may simply not look his age. That happens sometimes. And he has the air of someone who has been doing this for a long time. So Michael confirms him on the subject. “I am still seeing my doctor. I have been for the last four years. I have prescribed pills too. This arrangement is just to have someone here regularly to help out with my progress. I will keep on with my therapy sessions at the clinic too. And right now, I don’t feel I will be able to go outside or have friends and family over. Too many questions and too much stress as you can guess. I guarantee your safety. And I am aware of the procedure that was written out both on the website and in the contract I signed. I am hoping you will accept it. I will be a little odd no doubt but I really need a chance.”

Adam relaxes visibly as Michael speaks. “Well then, I see no problem, Michael. Nothing I can’t get used to. I am just supposed to refrain from touching you until you feel you can try to do it, right?-” Michael nods. The relief that rushes in him feels almost as good as he imagines the happiness once he overcomes this will. “-Alright, tell me more about yourself. What else do I need to know?” The young man even starts to smile a little. Michael feels the last of the tension disappearing little by little in the next few minutes. Whoever chose Adam seems to have got just what Michael was asking for. 

  
He can do this. He promises himself he will.  _ For Dean and him _ .


	2. Chapter 2

Adam checks his bank account again and sees the extra five hundred that appeared in just five days last week. It is Sunday now, he is taking a break from studying for his chemistry exam next week. Right now, a tab showing various search engine results for haphephobia is open in front of him. 

Michael confirmed in the last week that he really is seeing a doctor and attending therapy by showing him prescription papers and a patient file with his diagnosis on it. So Adam decided to do a little research into it. This job is really different from the rest. He is an escort serving a man he isn’t allowed to touch who can not touch him in return. He is literally getting paid an amount he otherwise can’t win for this. He has to do it right. 

Michael is engaged to this nameless man he keeps talking about. Apparently, they were childhood friends who half grew up playing together with all of their siblings. Then they fell in love. The fiancé, Adam will call him that in his mind, had many short term relationships before but totally changed with Michael. They were twenty three when Michael proposed. Four years ago, when they were both twenty five, something happened. The cause of the PTSD that forces Michael to live with his phobia now. Adam didn’t want to press that matter. Even mentioning it had Michael’s hands visibly trembling. They still have a long way to go before Michael manages to beat his trauma if he gets like that even talking about it though. Well, he is paying Adam to get help, isn’t he? Adam thought about his own role. He is supposed to be there. He is supposed to slowly ease Michael into what he can’t do now. For that, he needs to plan how to use their hours together and decide ahead what to do. 

With a deep breath, he turns a new page on the notebook he dedicated to this one client of his. He already has a few ideas. 

* * *

“So you’re seeing a new therapist?” Dean asks before bringing his beer to his mouth. They are in his flat. Sam left to stay at a friend’s, more to give them room than because he really wanted to but neither of them mention it. Michael thinks how to answer that for a second. He can’t just say it as it is. But he isn’t doing anything wrong, not really. It’s for Dean. 

“Not a therapist but he… works with people too. We are trying exposure therapy at the clinic, you know that. This is just an addition. Someone to try the therapy outside the clinic with me. Dr. Novak thinks it’s where I will have the most hardship so I decided to find someone with experience dealing with people to help me out. We just tried for a week. But I think it will help, Dean. It’s at least better than not doing anything.” 

Dean nods a little thoughtfully. Then he smiles a little. “Sure, it’s your call. I mean, I want you to be better too. It’s kind of like hiring a personal nurse.-” Michael returns the smile fully. This is why he loves Dean. The other man is always like this. Always putting them first and not judging anything Michael does to deal with things. “-Except we’re not  _ that  _ rich.” Dean laughs all out after a big gulp of beer. As he slams the bottle on the table close to Michael’s hand almost brushing against his skin, Michael flinches. Before he can process the movement and try to hold himself back, he sharply moves his hand away. 

“I- Sorry. I’m sorry, Dean.” His hand is balled into a fist on the table and trembling now. Michael can’t lift his eyes. Dean sighs. A tired, broken sound Michael never heard from him until four years ago. Suddenly Michael remembers the first time Dean came to visit him at the hospital just the next day after- Well, his arm was in a cast, he had burns and when Dean tried to gently wrap his arms around him, Michael screamed. Dean only managed to hold his hand for a minute to try to calm him down until nurses came running along with a doctor. That was the last time they touched each other. 

Michael remembers. He remembers it all vividly. How happy they were in those last few moments. How his brother was smiling at him with his eyes still red rimmed and tear filled. How the two of them were singing along to an old song. How Lucifer reached- 

He remembers the flames.

The unbearable weight crushing him, stealing his breath from his lungs. 

He remembers the one hand curled around his wrist. 

He remembers how the fingers slowly loosened their grip and fell limp. 

Everything afterwards was a nightmare. People rushing around, shouting things, bright lights, pain, a mask pushed over his mouth and nose, sirens, pain, all the strangers calling out his name, all of them touching him, being carried somewhere by them, hands roaming his body, bolts of pain, people, lights, the hand that fell lifeless clutching his wrist, people all around, shouting, touching, pain,  _ fear _ , strangers, hands, the ghost of the touch still around his wrist, fear.

Fear.

Fear. 

**_Fear._ **

**_Fe_ ** _ - _

“-el!  _ Michael! _ Breathe. Michael please breathe. It’s okay. It’s not real. It’s not happening now. Michael. I’m here. You’re here. God, I don’t know what to do.-” Suddenly Michael feels as if he is waking up with a start. Dean is standing next to him with his phone in his ear. He doesn’t understand. “-It’s a- shit it’s a panic attack. Yes! Please- No, I can’t! I can’t touch him! No one can, I told you!” 

_ Of course _ . Michael only notices that he is hyperventilating. It’s a panic attack. He is having a panic attack simply because he thought Dean’s hand was going to lightly brush against his. He- Pathetic. That’s it. He is pathetic. Because of him, Dean is on the phone with a paramedic, nearly crying and half crazed himself. All because of Michael. All because he is this pitiful being who can’t even- It’s his fault. It’s his fault and Dean doesn’t deserve any of this. He doesn’t. Yet as long as this goes on, as long as Michael-

But he was always like this. Weak. Impotent. That day too. Before that too. 

Michael remembers.

He remembers his childhood. His brothers. How the four of them would play together on hot summer days. How Gabriel, the little one, would fight tooth and nail to escape from naptime because he didn’t want to miss out on any of the fun. How Raphael would take his tiny shovel and poke around his small patch behind the house where he planted herbs. How Lucifer would catch Michael by his ankle and pull him down into the pool as well. How the two of them would wrestle in the water and swallow mouthfuls of water laughing at each other. 

He remembers how their father got worse and worse each passing day. How the man drowned himself in alcohol and how he wrote thousands of pages that got rejected almost all the time. How he slowly descended into some kind of madness obsessed with his perfect story once a publisher signed a contract with him for one of his novels that would become a series. The man had turned into a shadow. They could see him. But he was never there. Not really. And in the end, their mother had left. Michael remembers watching her walk the driveway with a single suitcase and without looking back.

That was the day everything changed. Michael was thirteen. Lucifer was eleven. Raphael was seven and Gabriel was just four. The toddler had cried himself sick that night. Their father was passed out with a bottle and Lucifer had locked himself in their bedroom as Raphael slept curled on the sofa. It was Michael who had to nurse Gabriel, to find a way to lower his temperature himself because he had no money to take him to a doctor. He wasn’t even old enough to go to the hospital without a parent himself. So he had soaked towels in watered vinegar and given Gabriel a lukewarm bath crying himself all the while. They had ended up on the sofa too. In the morning, Michael had found Lucifer who had also come bringing a blanket. The four of them were tucked together like newborn puppies. That was the last time Michael saw his sleeping brothers that close and that calm. 

Lucifer blamed their father. The man never got along with his second oldest son again. He didn’t quite care but not being able to control a teenager and constantly getting cops or neighbours knocking on his door demanding things was aggravating for him. Michael was almost always the one to answer the door, tell the people his father wasn’t home or wasn’t feeling well then defend his brother. In the nights, when their father drunkenly tried to beat Lucifer and the boy fought back, it was Michael who went back and forth between Gabriel and Raphael’s room turning up music to keep the noise out and his father’s study trying to physically break the fight to drag Lucifer away to safety. The youngest two would hear everything anyway and Michael would later find them snuggled together under a blanket with tear streaks on both their faces. 

The years passed like that. It was Michael and Lucifer who raised their younger brothers while trying not to lose themselves. It was the two of them struggling through life. When Michael turned eighteen, even though he could easily enter Harvard, he chose the small law school in their state. Lucifer was sixteen and dangling on the edge of a cliff, about to drop out of highschool. Michael had to keep him together. Raphael and Gabriel, just twelve and nine, needed someone to take care of them too. If Michael left, they would crumble. He had to take student loans, get a part time job and work in the summertime and semester breaks. He had to take his brothers to school, run to his own classes or workplace, come home to cook and do chores then help Raphael’s homework while Lucifer helped Gabriel. Their life was hectic. Michael fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. 

Among it all, there was Dean. Son of the neighbour from just down the street. He used to come by with Sam when their mothers met for coffee or something. Sam and Gabriel would exhaust themselves in the playpen then sleep side by side in Gabriel’s crib while Dean played with Michael, Lucifer and Raphael. As they grew up, their relationship evolved. Dean would come and help out at the house. He would stay over sometimes to walk to school with Michael the next morning. They shared their first kiss on one such night. By the last year of high school, they were openly dating. Dean studied mechanics and also chose to stay in the state. He was also the one to help out with Lucifer the most. He was another big brother, a safehouse to run away to when their father got really bad and a friend to confide in. One day, Dean came to Michael grinning and told him all about how Lucifer helped with Sam’s history homework when he stayed at their house after a big fight at home. Dean had immediately noticed the passion, the small smile never leaving Lucifer’s lips as he explained some old wars to Sam and how Sam completed his essay assignment in record time after their little tutoring session. Only a few months after that day, Lucifer was graduating fairly successfully and already looking up colleges to study history. Soon, Lucifer had moved away. Gabriel had cried a little after him but made his mind with his eleven-years-old determination to also finish school quickly and go to study where Lucifer lived. 

The following three years were relatively easier. Their father passed away from alcohol poisoning as the drunkard he was and right after completing the last book of his series as the perfect author he wanted to be. The money from his last work was of course left to his children. The four of them were still sad after the man for a while but they moved on fast. Before he knew it, Michael was graduating and buying rings with Dean after a very natural, very unprepared proposal that came right out of his heart as they were watching the stars one night wrapped in an oversize coat and that Dean just loved. The two of them laughed about the lack of ring for weeks on end. They were truly happy back then. They were twenty three, just out of college and chasing their dreams arm in arm. One year later, When Raphael also left for college, Dean moved in with Michael and Gabriel who was fifteen at the time. They were saving up for their wedding, Michael’s personal office and Dean’s auto repair shop together. They were going to get married one year later. 

Yet the next year was- It was when  _ that _ happened. 

Lucifer was coming home. Michael drove over to get him. He had graduated too. The two of them were happy. They were recounting their silliest childhood memories, taking too many breaks for desserts and milkshakes and singing along to one of Dean’s Led zeppelin albums. They were- Then- 

Michael remembers the crash. He remembers Lucifer shouting for him. He remembers the flames. How Lucifer reached out to grab his wrist in an iron gpip. He remembers the weight on his chest, the broken glass, something that fell on him somehow. He remembers the people, the sirens, all that buzzing cacophony. He remembers the taste of blood in his mouth, the burning heat. He remembers trying to wake Lucifer. He remembers how his brother’s hand lost its strength and how he felt the exact moment life left Lucifer’s body through the touch of one limp hand loosely curled around his wrist. 

People rushing around, shouting things, bright lights, pain, a mask pushed over his mouth and nose, sirens, pain, all the strangers calling out his name, all of them touching him, being carried somewhere by them, hands roaming his body, bolts of pain, people, lights, the hand that fell lifeless clutching his wrist, people all around, shouting, touching, pain,  _ fear _ , strangers, hands, his brother’s hand around his wrist,  _ fear _ .

Fear.

**_Fear._ **

Michael still feels it, remembers it. 

Fear. 

_ Michael is afraid _ . 

He is- He can’t breathe. He knows he is still not calm. He is hyperventilating. Still in the middle of a panic attack. In front of him, Dean is still talking. Michael sees his lips moving, his green eyes wide and teary. Michael sees it but doesn’t understand what’s being said. He can’t hear anything other than his own heart rapidly thumping and his own blood rushing in his ears. He must be shaking, crying and almost deadly pale. He must be just like when he was in that hospital, when he learned his two little brothers had to deal with everything alone. He had missed Lucifer’s funeral. Lucifer had died. 

Yet his touch was still there right around Michael’s wrist. 

Michael felt empty, numb other than that. And he wanted it to stop, to disappear. He never wanted to feel that again iğn his life. He was afraid. He was hurting. He couldn’t free himself of that moment when his brother- He couldn’t. Even now- 

Michael will always be trapped. Always. He-

Suddenly Michael feels a sharp pain in his right arm. It wakes him somewhat. Dean is still in front of him. Still calling out his name. His hands are hovering in the air trembling too desperate to just reach out and comfort him but too afraid to scare him. Michael tilts his eyes down to his arm. There’s a woman holding his arm down with a large needle piercing his skin. Michael feels the anxiety rise again but the leash tying his arm makes it impossible for him to move. He only manages to wriggle around making a drop of blood appear before whatever’s in the needle starts to take effect. 

He is calmer immediately. Not calm but unable to do anything. He suddenly weighs more with all his limbs heavy. His mind slows down. He sees the paramedic leading Dean away a few steps to talk to him. He decides to just close his eyes and rests until this phase passes. Once again, he ruined everything. 

* * *

“How are you today, Michael? How was your weekend?” Adam gives him a large smile as they slowly settle down on the plush rug in the living room with the large backpack Adam brought along. The younger man takes out a few things and places them around careful to not reach too close to Michael. It only reminds him about the terrible evening he had. He sighs and scoffs.

“I am trying to get better myself, yet all I do is to make everything else worse. I am dragging our relationship down. I- He is tired, Adam. He loves me but he is tired. That much, I can tell. And this, what we have here, is my last chance to actually save me and my fiancé. If I fail, I will lose him forever. I just- I don’t know.” Adam’s hand still in the air for a moment then he slowly places the last candle down. Michael watches absentmindedly as he digs around in his bag and finally finds a box of old fashioned matches. Adam seems to be thinking what to say as he prepares the space around them. 

“Michael you are trying. I mean, it must be hard. It must hurt you both but this isn’t about your fiancé at all. Listen, you have a phobia. Something bad happened to you, something that would kill you. This is your mind’s and body’s way of dealing with that. You are trying to protect yourself from pain, from sorrow, from fear, from whatever you felt back then. By doing this, by working to beat your phobia and not giving up no matter what, you are making yourself go through something way too hard and even taking the risk to drown in the trauma causing this. You are very brave, Michael. You are strong. And most importantly, your love is strong. If someone were to love me that much to put themselves through years and years of torture just to be able to hold my hand, I think I would wait until the day they could finally touch me, take their hand and follow them to hell. With a love like yours, I think you two will get over this too. Things happen, Michael. It’s just life. You are doing your best. I think your fiancé knows this. Maybe it’s a test. Something divine maybe. Don’t we all face the harsher parts of life to break us sometimes? Not that you two are broken. You are just bent a little. But not broken. Don’t lose hope Michael. You will get through this. I believe in you. I know he does too.” For some time, Michael is simply stunned. This is the sixth day Adam is here. They have known each other for a time that could easily be measured with hours. Yet- 

Adam smiles brightly and even with the heavy heart, Michael feels his spirits rising a little. The younger man puts a piece of cloth on the rug between them and gestures for Michael to take it. “It’s a blindfold. There’s one for me too. The candles are all scented. I will light them one by one and we are going to do some breathing exercises. Then we will try some visualizing. It is a way of meditation. What I observed in the last week was that you are always stressed. Your mind is full. I think you might be doing that unconsciously to keep yourself from focusing on your phobia and your therapy. So I looked a little into relaxation methods. We will try a few and work our way up. You know you have a phobia and touching someone doesn’t actually hurt you. But it probably triggers something in you that I don’t know about. You will have to focus on it. You will have to manage being okay with the thought of someone touching you before trying it directly. If we jump into exposure, you might scare yourself into a worse situation. What do you say, shall we?” 

With that, Michael ties the blindfold over his own eyes, grateful that Adam left it on the rug for him to pick up rather than trying to hand it to Michael directly. A few seconds later, the scent of lavenders start drifting to Michael’s nose. He takes a deep breath, holds it then releases it following the exercises Adam showed him last week. Then he tries one he learned at the clinic. Slowly, the scent changes. Peaches come first. Dandelions after that. Roses. Coffee. Ocean waves. Honey. Roses. Michael identifies each aroma and lets himself focus on his breathing and the candles. They probably spend half an hour or so like that. 

“Did something new happen?” Adam asks carefully, his voice low to preserve the atmosphere. Michael debates in his mind whether to tell him about the panic attack, whether he wants to talk about it at all before deciding to do so. Adam is right. Michael is in a way not focusing on the therapy with being afraid to think and talk about some things to not end up like he did in the evening with Dean. He never thought like this before Adam said it but now that he does, Michael thinks it might be just that. 

“I had a panic attack when I was having dinner with my fiancé in his flat. He had to call for help. They had to use a needle to get me to calm down.” Saying it like that wasn’t too hard actually. But Michael still feels anxious. He is scared to go back to that moment, to fall into the memories again.

“Okay. We know what scares you, what triggers the panic attacks. But have you ever asked yourself what happens in your mind at that moment? When someone touches you, what happens to you, Michael? Do you instantly feel pain, fear, anything physical, an itch, something? Take deep breaths. Remember you are in charge and totally safe here. No one is going to touch you. No one is going to force you into anything. Think about what you can remember about those moments you flinch back from people. Why do you do that? What happens to hurt you?” 

Well to that, Michael can easily answer. He knows what happens. He does but- Thinking about it, focusing on it- “You are okay, Michael. You might have to think about what causes the trauma. You don’t even have to share but don’t be afraid to stand against it. It happened. You survived. You are still dealing with it and that’s actually the most okay, the healthiest thing. You are human. You were hurt but it’s all in the past now. Mentally, you might be still going back to the past especially when you are touched but there has to be a reason for you to do that. The thing that happened and maybe you don’t feel safe from whatever hurt you. Maybe someone else got hurt and you blame yourself for it. I don’t know. I don’t need to know. Remind yourself why you are doing this.”

Michael inhales the sweet, relaxing scent of the candles once more.  _ For Dean. _ He is doing this for the man he loves, for the man who has done anything in his power for Michael for years. He is doing this to finally marry Dean, to hold his hands, to kiss him, to go to bed with him every night and wake up with their limbs tangled every morning. And he knows anyway. He knows what happens. Whenever he feels someone touching him, he always remembers Lucifer doing the exact same thing as he died and how the realization almost killed Michael as he bled out in that ruined car. Instantly, he feels fear bubbling in him. He-

“Think about your fiancé. You are doing this for him. Think about what you want to do once you get over this. And you will beat your phobia. Don’t be afraid.” Adam interrupts just at the right second. Michael remembers the first night Dean and him shared a bed and stayed awake simply holding each other close all night, too happy to go to sleep and too comfortable and warm to move. He lets himself remember that peaceful contentment. And as he focuses on other memories of the two of them, he feels better. The candles, the soft pillow he is sitting on, the silk cloth over his eyes, the darkness that lets him almost float in his thoughts… Everything feels okay. He knows at this moment that he will have all of that back. Together, Dean and him will be happy again. 

Later, after they finish their session and clean up, Adam has Michael sit on the sofa then comes back with juice for both of them. “I would say we were really successful today. And I noticed something that might be of help Michael. Could we try one last thing if you aren’t tired?” The younger man really looks hopeful. Michael doesn’t understand what happened to give him that hope but nods. They still have twenty minutes. Adam’s face breaks into a grin and he shuffles to sit facing Michael. For the lack of anything better to do, Michael copies him leaving a safe distance between them. 

“Alright, I want you to think about your fiance. Just think about holding his hand, caressing his cheek, letting him lean against you… Anything. Just think about him.” Michael still doesn’t understand but he obeys anyway. He lets himself think about the time he and Dean took Sam and Gabriel to a zoo. They held hands the whole day and sat under a tree with Dean lying on the grass with his head on Michael’s lap. Michael carded his fingers through Dean’s soft hair that was a little blonder than usual under the bright sun. Then Dean opened his beautiful eyes and let himself lean upwards to quickly kiss Michael’s lips. They had been dating for a few weeks, still shy but loving with each other nonetheless. He lets a soft smile of his own grace his lips. One day, he will have all of that back. He is doing this for Dean. He will manage it. 

“Okay-” Adam’s voice breaks him out of his thoughts. “-now imagine holding my hand. Look at my hand and imagine holding it.” At that, Michael raises a brow but fixes his gaze on Adam’s smaller hand. Instantly, he feels a shudder go down his spine. Just imagining fingers lightly grazing his skin makes him want to-

“As I thought. Michael this is really good.-” Adam doesn’t acknowledge Michael’s changed mood and cuts off his thoughts again. “-I think you are in a better place than you thought you were.” 

“What do you mean Adam?” Michael asks genuinely not understanding what Adam’s point is now. Adam leans back and takes a sip of his juice probably trying to come up with the best way to explain it to Michael. Michael waits patiently. 

“Michael I think you might have realised you have this phobia and then rejected everyone immediately afraid that you would have a panic attack or worse if they touched you. I think in these four years you must have made some kind of progress however. Just now, as you were thinking about your fiancé and touching him, you weren’t scared. Yet when I asked you to imagine holding my hand, you were visibly distressed. Do you know what that means?-” Adam asks and Michael simply blinks at him. What does he even want to say? “-You should be able to do it, Michael. Your fiancé is okay for you. I think you never noticed this yourself pushing him away like everyone else in fear. But you aren’t afraid. Not of his touch. You want it. You are working for it. While you can’t even imagine being touched by someone else, you were actually looking pretty happy when thinking about your fiancé. Your phobia is basically a reluctance to touch other people because it makes you feel bad. So don’t think of him as another person who is going to touch you. Look at him and say his name in your mind. Remember why you are trying to beat your phobia. Remember how much you love him and how much you want to hold him close. Ask him to stay completely still for you and just try. Once, Michael. You don’t like to be touched. So you touch him. He isn’t like anyone else. He is the one you love. I think if you know this, know that you really aren’t afraid of his touch, you will succeed.”

Adam looks him dead in the eye as he speaks. Michael is actually rendered speechless. Because Adam has a point. Michael never noticed that till now but-  _ Dean.  _ He is Dean. Michael doesn’t feel the slightest anxiety when he imagines intertwining their fingers. He is Dean. He is home. He is love. Michael actually can-

* * *

Dean holds out his hand in the air. Both of them are holding their breaths. Michael remembers what Adam said. 

Dean isn’t just anyone. Michael is doing this all for Dean. He remembers how happy they were in the years they spent together. He remembers their first kiss, their first time, their prom night they spent dancing and laughing. He remembers how he proposed whispering in Dean’s ear.  _ For Dean.  _ This is Dean in front of him. 

Ever so slowly, Michael reaches out. 

Their fingers meet in the air. Michael stiffens.  _ Dean. Dean’s hand. _ He looks into Dean’s wide grass green eyes and with a slow exhale, he lets himself relax. Dean breaks out into laughter. Michael laughs with him. They stay just like that, with both their hands in the air, barely touching on the fingertips and cackling like madmen. 

He did it. He actually- It’s all thanks to Adam. He is actually able to do this. And he will. He will work hard. He will soon beat this unreasonable fear. Soon Dean and him will be happy in their home with their wedding rings. Soon-

He can’t wait until his next session with Adam. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I love writing this fic already.


	3. Chapter 3

With one last kiss at the door Adam leaves the hotel room. He checks in with Crowley’s security once he exits the building altogether and calls himself a cab. Tonight, it was a man of nearly sixty who wanted some ‘fun’ with a handsome young man who would cherish him and want to please him unlike his wife according to what he said. Adam really does hope he won’t become a regular. It wasn’t particularly hard. An allnighter, five times his hourly price, but quite easy to satisfy. It was nothing different than what Adam always does. Two rounds, slow and not even good for him, the rest of the night was cuddling on the bed, making out now and then, serving drinks to the client and letting himself be groped a little. Logically, it is easy money. Usually when he gets a client for the entire night, they are young men going at it like animals and not letting Adam a moment to rest or clean up. He is used to ending up aching everywhere and feeling disgusting after a whole night with a client. This time, he can even go so far as to say he is well rested and perfectly clean since he thought beforehand to bring his own toiletries and was left alone in the shower. It was actually better than what Adam gets on a normal basis. Still, he feels grossed out. He never wants to see that one again. There’s no reason for it. Just-

_ No. _ There  _ is  _ a reason. Adam knows it deep down no matter how much he wants to deny the fact. He is tired. Of this life, of these men who want a piece of his body but not him as a person, of having to sell himself to pay for school, of studying every spare minute he has and missing sleep most nights, of listening to others’ problems and smiling for them, of being a toy, of feeling worthless once he is on his way back home without getting the chance to shower most of the time. He is tired of it all. He can’t wait until he graduates and reaches his dream. He can’t wait until he feels like a human being. Not a past mistake of his supposed father, not a charity case of his wife who let him send Adam money while the man lived, not a dirty secret of married men, not a guilty pleasure, not an expensive hobby. He can’t wait. 

Why this night of all nights does he get these thoughts? He asks himself. He should be cheerful now. Two hundred and fifty in just a few hours. He didn’t even have to do anything. He wasn’t manhandled, roughed up, humiliated, tied, used and left or anything of the kind other escorts face all the time. The man, Zachariah if Adam remembers correctly which he probably does because it’s impossible to forget that ridiculous name, did the opposite of most clients. He let Adam decide almost everything, looked at his face and even whispered loving words into his ears. And Adam did something he never does. He wondered about the wife, tried to come up with a face and shamed himself in his own mind because the man just wouldn’t do so. He knows it’s not his fault. Zachariah should be the one ashamed of himself for doing this, for being a cheater. But then again, which client isn’t? They all have wives, husbands or people in serious relationships with them. Which of them doesn’t betray all those nameless companions? Which of the faceless men and women isn’t Adam compared to by the hungry, lustful eyes travelling his body? Which of them manages to be defined ‘more beautiful’ than Adam by the men? Which-

Well, Adam can come up with one. One faceless man, an incognito fiancé and-

_ Michael. _

Michael is… something else. For one, Adam isn’t treated like a prostitute– which he totally is all the way, but rather a normal person in Michael’s house. He knows Michael counts as one of the clients after the  _ boyfriend experience _ thus less likely to treat him like dirt but even the men who want the same thing as Michael make sure to remind Adam of just what he is in one way or another. He either gets asked out on an outside date followed by a question if there’s an added price or he gets called a whore if he doesn’t immediately comply with everything one of the pushier clients wants. Secondly, Michael loves  _ him _ , his fiancé. And for some reason, Adam likes seeing those green eyes light up when talking about the man he is in love with. He likes hearing Michael’s voice get a tad higher, a bit livelier. He likes simply hanging out together, sitting side by side to read, playing a game on Michael’s fiancé’s console, studying as Michael works on his laptop, everything. Almost as if Michael isn’t a client but a- a friend. Or… 

To be honest, Adam knows why he wants to suppress these things too. He is getting used to Michael. For once, with one man only, he doesn’t have to strip. And weekends when he takes different jobs are starting to become unbearable. Even the best deals, like tonight, exhaust Adam not physically but on a whole different level. He knows this is unprofessional. As the older, more experienced men and women from  _ Juliet&Angels _ told him at least once each two years ago when Adam was a newbie, this is the most dangerous thing to happen to one of them. To come across someone they genuinely like and to let themselves be disgusted with their life and work. The boyfriend experience is for the clients, not the escorts. It is forbidden for them to get any pleasure out of such a thing. They are getting paid to please others. Not themselves. And Adam is doing just that. He shouldn’t be liking his time with Michael this much. This is after all a mere contract. It will be over someday. Adam will never see him again. But he will have to keep up his work at least for a few more years. And after Michael leaves, just like everyone else in Adam’s life does, it will be true torture to be left with what he always had after knowing something better for a little while. Adam will be miserable. 

He gets into the cab and puts on his headphones after giving the address. He can’t prevent a sigh from escaping his lips. He knows that he is playing with fire. Yet tomorrow is Monday and Adam is unconsciously checking his shopping list. He and Michael decided on Friday to bake together. Adam will make his mom’s cheesecake. It will be practise for Michael since they will be moving around in the small kitchen together. And Adam actually thinks he will have fun. Michael is cheerful lately. He is making progress after all. Adam was right. He managed to hold his fiancé’s hand two weeks ago. He has been spending time with the other man and trying out things as Adam advised. There isn’t much else other than handholding and one or two small pecks on the knuckles yet but even that much is enough to make Michael glow with happiness. Adam is glad for him. Yet at the end of the day, he is still alone in the back of a cab, on his way to his empty flat and his books. In the colder nights with mist hiding the stars, it even hurts a little no matter how good Adam’s two hours with Michael was. Or maybe _because_ _of_ how good their limited time was. If only-

* * *

Michael knows he is supposed to be watching the show but it’s not his fault, really. He is too happy. It feels like he was left in a dessert for four years and he only just found water to drink. He is even happy with the few drops he is getting. He knows there will come the days he will take big gulps and let it drop down his jaw. He will be happier. They will be happier. They will be so carelessly happy that even other people around them will brighten with that love and joy. 

Once again, Michael glances at his and Dean’s hands clasped on the sofa between them. They have been holding hands for almost an hour now. He even caresses the back of Dean’s hand with his thumb. Dean lets his hand stay completely still. He doesn’t squeeze back nor does he move his fingers. Michael is sure his fiancé is doing it for him. To not push. To make Michael feel free to move at his own pace. Just like he always does. Like how he always supports Michael. This is the best feeling in the world, to have someone who loves him that much by his side. 

“Can you get us more snacks, Mike? Before the commercials end?” Dean flutters his lashes the way Michael always loved and could never say no to when he saw it. With a chuckle, Michael stands up gathering the empty beer bottles and the bowl to refill the ‘warrior fuel’ as Dean calls all the fast food and unhealthy things he lives for. How he wishes at this moment that he could just lean over and kiss those beautiful lips. 

In the kitchen, as he is about to open a couple more beers, he remembers the other bottle. After a second of hesitation, he picks up the wine and puts the two bottles back in the fridge. Maybe it will be better. Maybe it will help out tonight. Cherry flavor, Dean’s favorite. It will surely relax them both now. Maybe Michael can even try… 

He is smiling so much tonight. He is aware but he can’t bring himself to care. He thinks he is allowed at least this much after all that time of struggling. Finally, he is making progress. Finally, him and Dean are starting to move towards their shared dreams. He remembers how they spent the two years after the- How they avoided each other in the house just so Michael wouldn’t get a panic attack. He remembers how they sold the house for Dean to move back in with Sam and for Michael to get himself a little flat once Gabriel left for college. They have been living like this for the last two years, separated. And it’s hard. It’s too hard. Finally, they know it will be over. They will be together again in their own house soon. Michael has been telling Dean that they could use the leftover money from the house for a new one. They could pay a mortgage for a few years if they go for a bigger house. Maybe they will have pets in the future. Maybe kids even. Whenever Michael tells him about these things, Dean always tilts his eyes down to his lap and bites his lip. Michael chuckles again. How pretty  _ prettier _ Dean gets when he is embarrassed. 

He shakes his head fondly and picks up everything to go back to the sofa and his fiancé. 

“-not now. I can’t, okay? Not yet-” Michael stops just inside the threshold of the living room. Dean is on the phone, whisper-shouting at someone. “-I will. We will. Look, I am hanging up.” Michael walks forward after that. Probably work. Those men really, the car owners don’t know any etiquette. Owning classic cars doesn't make them noblemen. Who would even call at this hour anyway? How Dean had to try hard to keep Michael from hearing it and getting stressed tonight when they are supposed to have fun together without any worries.... 

Dean is startled a little when Michael sits down next to him but laughs when Michael does. Together, they open the wine and start to fill their glasses. 

* * *

Adam walks into his flat and throws his bag down at the hall. All he wants right now is to throw himself in bed and sleep this terrible feeling off.  _ If only he could _ … Despite what he felt before, he gets in the shower stripping on the way. The hot water hits his body suddenly burning his skin. He scrubs himself so hard that he turns red and thinks he will start to bleed everywhere. Still, he doesn’t stop. He can feel the older man’s fingers roaming his skin. He can feel the hands touching everywhere. He can feel the eyes watching him. And no matter what, Adam can’t shake it off.

This was supposed to be one of the better nights. One where he didn’t even get thrown around like a ragdoll and got his money immediately. Yet this is one of the bad nights. Adam is remembering the first night he did this. The first client who turned out to be an angry drunk and forced Adam to call security. The first night he returned home still covered in that vile man’s scent and marks. He is remembering his interview with Crowley. He was just eighteen and scared. Now, not much has changed. Adam is twenty and still crying like he did that day. He leans back against the tiles. His knees give out. He stops holding back once he hits the floor and lets himself sob openly. This is just one of the bad nights, he tries to remind himself. He isn’t usually like this. He isn’t this bad, in this much pain. It will pass, he repeats in his mind over and over again. 

It doesn’t do any good. Looks like he will be crying for his dead mom all night and trying to hide from the monsters he sees in the shadows of the night under his duvet. 

* * *

Michael and Dean are lying on the bed side by side on top of the covers. The empty wine bottle is thrown on the floor somewhere close to the bed. They left the glasses back in front of the TV and started passing the bottle back and forth between them half an hour ago. Now Michael feels pleasantly warm on the inside and ridiculously gleeful. They aren’t even doing anything. They are both quiet. Honestly, it helps Michael focus on Dean’s hand in his. Just a week ago, He wouldn’t be ready to be this close with anyone let alone not drawing his hand back after a few minutes tops. He is surprised at how fast he progresses himself. He can’t believe his last, desperate idea worked so wonderfully. So  _ that  _ was what he needed for four years. 

He tilts his head to the side. Dean has already drifted away. Michael knows he should wake him, tell him to properly change and sleep and go to the other room to sleep himself but the moment is just… nice. Michael is happy. Too happy. 

He hopes Adam is feeling this great too. He owes it all to the younger man after all.

* * *

Adam knows he looks terrible. It’s pretty normal after the horrid night he had but he still tries to act as always with Michael. They bake the cheesecake together with no incident. Once, they reach for the same spoon at the same time and their hands almost brush against each other but Michael doesn’t even seem to notice. This evening, Adam sees a soft smile on his lips and a new light in his eyes. The older man actually looks better than Adam has ever seen him. Good, good for Michael. Adam feels, despite everything, a bubbling feeling in his chest that resembles a mix of pride and joy. It doesn’t stay above the general bad mood left away from the day before for too long though. 

As they each try a slice from their cheesecake, Adam notices the picture frames around the living room that weren’t there before. His mind immediately goes to his first time here and the pictures of Michael’s fiancé that Michael said he put away. Are they out finally? Does that mean it is going well enough to call real improvement for Michael? If so, Adam has nothing to do but to be glad for Michael who will get to have the life he always wanted with the man he loves. And it will mean that Adam will be done here. Michael will be no more than a memory, one a shade lighter and a little fonder but still a memory. He will be in the past. Adam will move forward. He will keep bedding strangers to found himself an honest life someday. He will keep becoming merry company for the lonely and confining himself into greater solitude than theirs. He will keep letting his eyes stray from the mirrors. He will-

Suddenly, in a shiny golden frame that catches his eye under the lamplight, Adam sees a face he thought he never would again. He blinks to clear his vision and looks at the picture again. Then he turns his gaze to the other frames, not believing himself. Yet it’s there.  _ He _ is in all of them. 

It can’t be.  _ He  _ can’t be. Surely, Adam is imagining this. Surely-

“You noticed the pictures?” Adam turns his eyes back to Michael’s face that now has a bigger grin than before. The face of a man in love. Complete with the loving look directed at the familiar blond freckled face in the closest picture to them of Michael and- There’s no doubt to it. The two of them are too close in that one. Their hands are in front of their chests as if purposefully trying to show their rings to the camera. God. Rings. The two of them are wearing identical rings. They are really together and- 

“That’s Dean. He is my fiancé. Perfect, isn’t he?” Michael is holding a hand out now, caressing the picture with the forefinger of his right hand. Adam watches the movement as if hypnotised. 

Dean. Of all the men in the world-

Dean Winchester. 

_Michael is engaged to his brother_. 


	4. Chapter 4

“Are you okay, Adam? You have gone pale all of a sudden.-” Michael leans forward a little to see Adam’s face better. The younger man is staring to the side at one of the pictures on the wall with his fork dropped on his plate and his empty hand hovering above it as if still holding the utensil. He went quiet at once. Michael doesn’t understand what is happening. Adam was fine a moment ago. Is he ill or something? “-Adam?” He calls out again because Adam seems to have not heard him at all the first time. 

“Me? I- I am fine, Michael. Just- I studied all night yesterday. It’s- It’s midterms week.” Adam stutters a little but gathers himself fairly quickly afterwards. Michael watches him for a few more seconds just to be sure but Adam simply picks his fork back up and takes another bite of his slice of cheesecake. 

“Are you in college? What are you studying?” He nods and asks half to move on from the moment and half out of genuine curiosity. Adam smiles as he talks about his school, his friends and his classes. Medicine. How fitting for someone like Adam. Michael hopes he will always be as successful as he says and graduates as soon as possible. Maybe he will stay around. Maybe Michael will be one of his patients. Officially. He smiles at the thought. He likes how Adam’s face lights up as he talks softly. Maybe they can keep doing this after… their contract too. Maybe they can stay friends. 

* * *

Dean. 

Adam can’t stop thinking about it. Part of him still doesn’t believe it. Michael is engaged to Dean Winchester. Of all the men- Just what kind of coincidence is this? How could Dean’s fiancé come and find Adam of all the escorts he could hire? How? 

Adam can already imagine the headache, the fights, the shouting from Dean and the pitying gazes and quiet offers of help from Sam if they somehow learn what Adam does for a living. Logically, there is no way for them to find out about Adam. He is an escort. If Dean doesn’t suddenly decide to drop by while Adam is here and uses his own key, there’s no way for them to know. Michael won’t  _ can’t _ tell him about Adam, surely. This is- He is an engaged man getting escort service. But- They don’t do anything. They freaking don’t. Michael is the only client, the only man who doesn’t lust after Adam. So there’s nothing to be ashamed of for him. He might explain it to Dean.  _ God, what if he already did? _ What if Dean already knows Michael is seeing someone to help with his phobia who is technically a- What if they have joined accounts? What if Dean sees the money flowing to  _ Juliet&Angels _ ? What if-

Mentally, Adam knows he is panicking for no reason. Would it be better if Michael was just another man regularly bedding him behind the back of his fiancé? Would it be better if Adam was the one Michael cheated on Dean with on top of all the existing problems between them?  _ No. _ Of course not. But in this situation, if Michael and Dean really love each other that much, Dean will find out about Adam soon. What will Adam do now? How should he act? Should he tell Michael? Should he- 

He needs to quit this contract. He should talk to Crowley and tell him to assign someone else to Michael. He should never go back to Michael’s flat again. He knows all of this. He knows it’s the only way to keep himself safe from all the fights and everything else. He doesn’t want his life disrupted. He doesn’t want to face his brothers. He doesn’t want anyone involved with what he has to do. He doesn’t want their judging and their pity. He can’t bear that all. Not again. He has been alone since he lost his mom five years ago. He survived on his own. He did what’s necessary. So he needs to call Crowley right now. 

The phone’s screen lights up when he presses the lock button. The contacts are in front of him. He only needs to make the call right now. Crowley is a good boss no matter what. He will certainly help. He will just call Michael, send him a few files of other escorts and tell him to choose someone new. Adam will not be in trouble. If he doesn’t feel himself safe in any way, the client goes to their blacklist. But since there isn’t any threats, violence or any real danger other than this personal matter of Adam’s, Michael will get someone else. It will be okay. Everything will be fine. And it will be better this way for Adam too. He was getting used to Michael anyway. He was-  _ It will be better. _

But Adam can’t. 

Michael is just starting to make progress. He is just finding his happiness. And Adam feels- He thinks of Michael as a friend too.  _ Friends don’t pay each other for their company _ . Adam is still no more than a cheap whore. But with Michael he can almost pretend otherwise. He feels he can help Michael. For the first time ever, he is actually helping someone. There were some clients in desperate need for someone to talk to. There were ones depressed. Adam felt he momentarily consoled them but this is something else. Michael trusts Adam with a matter so sensitive. He wants Adam there. Adam can’t. He can’t betray that. He can’t disappoint Michael. He just-  _ He can’t leave. _

The phone drops from his hand and Adam falls to curl on his couch. It’s uncomfortable. But he doesn’t think he can move now. In his head, he is still thinking about Dean. And if he can’t give up on his contract with Michael, he should be ready. He should brace himself. A storm is coming. 

* * *

For the first time in what may be months, Michael is out shopping by himself. He usually buys everything online and avoids going out into stores for as long as he can. But Dean suggested doing this to him when they were talking before. Michael doesn’t even have to touch anyone. He will just try to stay away from the crowds and ask one of the shopkeepers to help him out briefly explaining his phobia. It’s why he is out early in the day when everyone’s at work or school. He plans to visit a few stores, try on an outfit and buy something for himself. He wants to see if he will get anxious. He wants to manage this to prove himself to Dean. He wants to take the first steps to becoming normal again and in his next session with Adam, he wants to bring an achievement with himself. He will also visit the clinic today and see Dr. Novak. He is sure the man will be glad too. He is already impressed with this ‘personal therapist’ helping Michael out. The man is optimistic lately. He says Michael won’t need the antidepressant pills to keep him calm in stressing situations when he needs to interact with people. Well, Michael hopes so. 

In the first store he enters, he quickly finds a boy with a name tag saying Samandriel to help him maneuver around the few customers inside. The place sells formal wear and business attire mostly. Michael calmly walks around, picks out three shirts for himself and asks Samandriel to get him the right size of a pair of slacks. In the fitting rooms, a man suddenly bolts out one of the cabins and nearly bumps into Michael in the narrow hall leading there but Samandriel comes to his rescue putting himself between Michael and the other man without touching Michael somehow. Michael thanks the boy thoroughly and ends up purchasing the shirts, the slacks and a set of ties the boy thought would go well with Michael’s complexion. 

After that, he can’t really find somewhere he wants to go in. As he is about to turn back and walk to where he parked his car, a store window catches his attention. He sees a white suit on display and it makes him immediately think of Dean. Their wedding was what they sat and imagined together since highschool days. Dean always wanted to wear a white suit just like this one and hold a bouquet of camellias, pansies and white roses. Smiling to himself, Michael makes his way to the car and starts the engine to drive to the nearest florist. 

* * *

“I went shopping today.” Michael tells Adam as they play a silly table game with no real goal. But then again, the box says it’s for ages five and above so maybe what’s silly was to expect something better. Adam snaps his head up with surprise written over his entire expression. It only makes Michael want to smile because this is exactly what he wanted to achieve. He wanted to show everyone trying to help him with his phobia that he is trying. He wants Dean to know it above everyone else but Adam has just the second place. After four years, it was this very young man in front of him who managed to evoke something in him. So Adam should know that Michael is working hard, that their efforts aren’t in vain. 

“You? On your own? That’s great Michael.-” Adam smiles so brightly that Michael finds himself immediately returning it. “-Didn’t the crowd make you nervous?” He looks genuinely interested, excited to share the success with Michael no matter how small it is. So Michael starts telling Adam all about how his day was, how he decided to do it and coerced himself into that first store even though he wasn’t all too comfortable. Adam listens to him with sparkling eyes and under that gaze Michael feels… It has been long, very long since someone last looked at him like that. With pride.

* * *

Adam finds himself staring up at the ceiling long after midnight. He keeps thinking about Michael’s small adventure today. How the older man looked like a small child glowing with joy as he told Adam about the store he went in, the clerk who helped out, the white suit he saw, the florist who made the perfect bouquet for Dean… It was a big step for him, a grand achievement. Adam half considers doing something special to celebrate it. But then again, what will he even do? Get Michael a cake? Like a real kid? 

The idea plays in his mind involving a small strawberry cake and a cone shaped party hat. The image of Michael vearing one, seafoam green matching with his eyes, sends Adam into a fit of chuckles. He can imagine just how hard Michael would try to frown as he does when he loses in a video game but wouldn’t be able to hold back that tiny smile just in the corners of his lips. And when he thinks like this, Adam notices how much he wants to be there. He wants to see Michael slowly getting more and more comfortable with people around him, to witness each milestone in the journey to beating his phobia. He wants to see Michael finally reaching his dreams. 

Tonight, he feels he did right by choosing to stay despite everything.

* * *

It’s their last session of the week. And that is exactly why Michael wanted to do it today of all. This way, if he is overwhelmed in any way he will have the entire weekend to himself to calm down. 

His last visit to the clinic yesterday was great, better than he expected. Dr. Novak thinks Michael should be ready to completely withdraw from the pills he occasionally uses still. His handholding hours with Dean, his two hours in the evenings with Adam and his latest ten-minutes-grocery-runs to the supermarket down the street were very unexpected but not unwelcome by the doctor. Michael feels better with himself each day. He knows it will still be a long way from now to manage what he desires but there’s hope for him. And that much is more than what he thought he had a few mere weeks ago, before Adam.  _ Adam. _ It won’t ever be enough no matter how much Michael thanks him. But he has been thinking. He remembers their first few sessions. He remembers how Adam encouraged him to hold Dean’s hand. Michael did some reading on the subject and talked to Dr. Novak too. The other man agrees Michael should eventually try it out with other people he trusts. So…  _ Why not now? _

Adam looks stunned. He didn’t say no immediately. Good. That’s good. So he doesn’t think Michael can’t take it. He doesn’t think Michael will break down. He has a little doubt clear in his expression but that’s entirely understandable. Maybe Adam is fearing moving too fast. Maybe he is afraid of doing something wrong, triggering something. But he will help. He will. Michael can feel it. 

“Alright. I mean, I was thinking maybe you would want to try something more out but… Are you sure I am the right person to do it, Michael? Don’t you want to- Maybe Dean can- Or someone else…” Adam trails off letting his eyes flicker down for a second. Michael doesn’t hesitate to shake his head. “I want it to be you, Adam. You are my friend. And I want to try with a different person. Dean is my love, my fiancé. He will be the one I share my life with. And my family… They suffered a lot, Adam. I want to make better progress before… you know.” 

As he thought, Adam gets into a more comfortable position on the rug. “I want you to know that you are in total control of what will happen, Michael. You can start anytime you want, stop anywhere you want. We can take as many breaks as you need. Just, don’t force yourself too much if you really don’t feel fine. Try to hold my hand a little. If you can’t, maybe we can try something else.” Michael thanks him and adjusts himself too. Adam stays still as promised while Michael shuffles closer by a few inches, only enough to reach out and take the smaller hand in his. 

He remembers what Adam had him do when he tried this same thing with Dean. He tries to focus on that same practise. What did Adam call it? Visualizing? He takes a deep breath and locks his eyes with Adam’s. Adam gives him a weak smile but looks almost more nervous than Michael. For a moment, Michael asks himself if he can really manage it today. But he remembers the first time he held Dean’s hand and the first time he managed to get in line in front of the check out with all the people rather than waiting for everyone to go out first. He remembers how he felt when he did all that. 

And this is Adam. The one to help out Michael the most. This is Adam. He is here to help. He is Michael’s friend. He will help. He won’t do anything Michael doesn’t want. He won’t trigger any bad memory. This will be just like when he held Dean’s hand. And Michael can manage it. He used to have panic attacks even imagining being touched. He has come a long way since.  _ This is Adam. _ Michael can do it. It will be alright. 

Ever so slowly, he reaches out. They both hold their breaths. Adam swallows visibly but keeps his eyes on Michael’s. 

His fingers lightly graze Adam’s hand. He feels the warmth spreading from his fingertips. His heart leaps. Adam gasps and Michael jerks his hand away. “Again. Try again.” Adam’s voice is no more than a whisper, maybe to preserve the moment. Michael takes a second to see if he feels any fear or anxiety then decides to comply. 

This time, he presses his fingers down rather than letting his hand just hover. Michael sees Adam closing his eyes. He does the same. He lets himself just feel.  _ This is Adam. _ He reminds himself of the fact as he drags his fingers to Adam’s inner wrist. The pulse there is nothing of the sort he expected. Not slow or calming. Adam’s heart must be racing. Even though he can’t yet squeeze the other hand in his, Michael’s is too. They will probably need those breaks Adam mentioned. But it doesn’t change anything. This is the first time Michael is really touching Adam. 

The thought makes the corners of his lips tilt upwards. 

* * *

“You look cheerful today. You’re never like this. Things finally working out for you, brother?” Adam wakes from the daze he was in when today’s client wraps his arms around his waist from behind. Normally, Adam always feels a little off walking around a foreign house wearing nothing but an oversized shirt or robe but this man is one he particularly likes. Benny is very nice, a better person than Adam meets daily. He lost his wife Andrea years ago, never found love again, never wanted to seek it out. But he and Adam have been seeing each other now and then for the last two years so they are familiar, comfortable. Benny is one of his first clients, first regular too. They treat this as having a good time together and relaxing. Adam is honestly thankful the older man isn’t one to make it weird. 

He tilts his head to the side letting Benny kiss his cheek as his hands work to slice the well deserved pizza they ordered together. It has been a very tiring few hours after all. Though the slight ache is almost pleasant with a gentleman like Benny who takes the utmost care not to hurt him and doesn’t cause any problem. There are nights that they are both frustrated, that they ravage each other and don’t even make it to the bed. There are days they simply watch a game munching on chicken nuggets and drinking from each other’s beers. Sometimes they are slow and savoring almost like real lovers. And always, there’s some pillow talk. With Benny, Adam likes it all. The older man was the only client who kept him going for months. He always had a willing ear, a strong shoulder and wise words when Adam felt down. When their roles were reversed on Andrea’s birthday or other days like that, Adam was the one to care for him the same way. 

With Benny, he doesn’t even bother to check his account or check in with the security immediately. He works professionally, he does but sometimes he sees Benny off the clock. They have each other’s numbers too. Some days, when Adam loathes himself, his job and his body, he ends up at Benny’s. The man makes them hot chocolate, puts on an animated movie and waits for Adam to talk, to cry it all out. Here, even when he is getting paid he doesn’t feel like a prostitute. He doesn’t feel like a product to be enjoyed. Benny treats him like a person. 

Briefly, he thinks about Michael. What he has with Benny is totally different than with Michael. No matter what, Benny is still a client who Adam gets into bed with. Sometimes Benny pays for the whole night and sleeps hugging Adam. Sometimes they go out for dinner or drinks then stumble around in the car in a remote alley. There was even one time when Benny had to attend a wedding and Adam went as his date. They had to shop for formal wear before. In the weekend, they shared a hotel room and Adam spent the two days almost completely on the bed other than the ceremony itself. They didn’t even stay around for more than one dance and a single glass of wine each. When Adam remembers all that, two facts come to him. He might be closer with Benny than what’s appropriate and Michael’s situation is really unique. 

“Can’t tell. It’s about a client. But there is good news, yes. It makes me happy.” Adam remembers the initial hesitant touch of two fingers and smiles again. Guess he will be in a good mood like this for much longer. But he just can’t help it. Michael managed to touch someone that isn’t the man he wants to marry. He did it. And he was delighted. Adam remembers all the specks of light browns and blues in his eyes under the candlelight. He remembers how he wanted to reach over, to hug Michael close in celebration. Maybe he will get to do that one day. 

“Then I am glad. You deserve nice things, Adam.” Benny moves to the fridge to get drinks as Adam picks up the box. As he passes by, Benny leans down to peck his lips. Adam chuckles afterwards. This is why he likes this man. He said the word ‘client’ himself. Benny didn’t even give him the nasty look he gets from every other man if he accidentally mentions another one. The older man couldn’t have picked a better day to want him over. Adam really doesn’t want to deal with a vile cheater on top of the great week he had with Michael and drop his mood. He deserves to be relaxed and happy. 

Michael does too.

* * *

On Sunday, the text from Sam clouds Adam’s cheer. He will need to pick up a box they found in John’s attic. Apparently it had his name. Adam didn’t really want to go but Sam insisted too much. And as long as they have that, there’s always the danger of Dean, the self-righteous bastard he is, trying to reach him. It’s better to just drive over and get whatever useless dump John illegally left him. 

So he reluctantly drives to the house he last went for his father’s funeral. He considers whether to text Sam to bring the box out or call him for a minute. He will have to emotionally prepare himself if he will go to that house and ring the doorbell. He can’t take Sam inviting him in for tea or his mother half heartedly nodding. He can’t take seeing Dean with the fire in his eyes turned to the proof of his mother being cheated on. He doesn’t want to see any of them. In the end, he decides to text and as if he had been waiting for it, Sam responds without delay. 

As Adam sits in the car waiting a few meters away from the house and idly watching the neighbourhood, he sees a sleek BMW pulling to stop in front of the Winchesters’ home. It catches his eye only because of the shiny black color. Yet when the passenger door opens to reveal Dean, he openly starts watching. Another man descends from the vehicle. For some reason, Adam feels a weird unease creeping in his chest. 

There’s nothing suspicious here. Just a friend dropping another off but- No. Dean is engaged to Michael. Adam knows how much they are in love. Michael is forcing himself, challenging everything to be happy with Dean. And Dean, even though he is a total douche to Adam, loves Michael back. The two men aren’t even close. Yet-

Yet Adam works in the line of business where he learned to recognize a cheater from his eye. He scolds himself for thinking something like that about the one Michael is committed to and tries to think what the older man would say if he knew to stop with the nonsense. His gut was never wrong. But it can’t be true. Maybe this man is a relative. Jet black hair and bright blue eyes don’t resemble the Winchesters. But maybe he is a friend. Maybe-

On the last step of the porch, before entering the house, Dean looks around a few times and with a quick motion, he leans down to press his lips on the other man’s. 

Adam watches the whole thing. 

Dean is kissing another man. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and cat's out...


	5. Chapter 5

Soon the black BMW pulls away and only after the car disappears from his view does Adam notice that he should have done something. This is Dean and Michael’s life, their problem. Technically, Adam isn’t anything to them. One is a half brother who hates him and the other is a cl-  _ No. _ Michael isn’t only a client. He is more. Yes, he pays. But- But there isn’t anything sexual going on between them. There isn’t even anything slightly suggesting a relationship that’s more than two friends’. And just that fact breaches Adam’s contract and job description. So no. Michael isn’t a client. Adam has been helping him with his phobia to make him reach his dreams. Michael and him talk and hang out. They share stuff. They-  _ It isn’t professional. _ Yet right now, Adam couldn’t care less. 

He should have done something. He should have taken a picture. He just had to take his damn phone and- Even if he couldn’t, he should have at least memorised the car plate number. He- 

_ What would he even do with all that? _

Go to confront Dean? And tell him what?  _ Hey Dean, long time no see. Remember me? Son of the woman who our dad cheated on your mom with. The half brother you despise. Also the escort your fiancé hired behind your back. I just saw you kissing someone else. Shame on you. How could you do that?  _

Or show the picture to Michael? _ Here’s the proof of your dear fiancé cheating on you. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t follow him like a psychopath because of some feelings I have for you like you might think. I am his brother. The moment I saw your photos together I recognized him but instead of doing the mature, right thing, I childishly kept seeing my brother’s future husband under the name of an escort. How lovely isn’t it? _

His mind circles around these thoughts and does nothing else as if mocking Adam at this moment. He can’t think of anything useful. He can’t move. He can’t get out of the car. Instead, he sits on the driver seat with his head pressed against the wheel and his hands fisted in his hair. The scene he just witnessed keeps playing in his mind again and again. And every time, his heart sinks further. 

He only remembers five letters written in bold black on the white plate behind the car. 

DNNVK.

* * *

On Monday, Michael is way too cheerful. As he goes over a case file in his study, he finds his mind drifting to his upcoming session with Adam this evening. He promised to make lasagna today and Adam said he would have a surprise for Michael. He wonders about that too. Adam only said it was something to help him out a little and it was something funny. Something to make him take another step to touch others and funny on top of that… Michael only hopes it isn’t some comical costume or a children’s toy maybe. He couldn’t come up with anything else. His thoughts went back to their other session back on Friday anyway. 

Once again, Michael finds himself smiling when he remembers how he managed to simply touch Adam’s fingers. He remembers the excitement, the pride and the big smile reaching to Adam’s eyes. He remembers his visit to the clinic on Saturday. He remembers how Dr. Novak was wide eyed and rendered speechless when Michael told him about his latest success. He is moving fast. Almost too fast after four years of being stuck. It’s like a miracle, the nurse Meg said. Michael chuckled about that on the way back home but when he stops and thinks, he too finds Adam to be a miracle worker. Just a few weeks ago, it was as if he was caged in a pit. Before he knew Adam, he was drowning, losing everything. Now, he really believes he will get it all back. He will be happy with Dean. He owes it all to his newest friend. 

* * *

Adam wanders around like a ghost. He misses most of what the professors say during the two classes he has to attend in the morning. At noon, he simply sits with his plate untouched for a whole hour. Once he is sure that he won’t be eating any time soon, he tries to go over some of his assignments. That fails too. 

Just what is he going to do now? What he saw- How will he break it to Michael?  _ Should he tell him? _ Is it his place? Will Michael believe him without any proof? Will he have to reveal his story to Michael? What can he even achieve? Even if Michael believes him, won’t that just devastate him? What about later though? What will happen when Michael finally beats his phobia and marries Dean? What will happen when he learns, and he will learn one way or another Adam knows something like this can’t stay buried for long? Won’t that be worse? But now…  _ What should he do? _

* * *

Benny comes to pick him up for a couple hours. It’s four in the afternoon when Adam gets in the light grey Corolla and throws his bag into the backseat. “Rough day?” Benny smiles with a single cigarette between his teeth. Adam chuckles at the sight even though he's in a bad mood. This is also one of the many reasons why Benny is well-liked. The man has the most gentle heart along with the most serene smile. He always lifts Adam’s spirits effortlessly. 

“Yesterday was a rough one. Today,  _ tonight _ , I’ll be busy.-” He shakes his head slightly and starts surfing the channels on the radio. Benny nods thoughtfully then draws one last breath from his cigarette before throwing the butt into the ashtray he keeps there. “-And today’s that day of the month. My turn with  _ her. _ ” Adam is sure he says the last word with enough malice to scare away a passerby as Benny starts the engine. The older man simply laughs tilting his head back slightly. 

“Gotta give you a good time then, brother. And you might come back after that regular stuff you do? After dropping her off?” How Adam wishes he could. He would go back to Benny’s, watch a few episodes of a random series and eat a slice of that awesome pie from the diner his most favorite client owns. But no, he can’t. His time is already sold. From midnight to nine in the morning. “Sorry. Got an allnighter. Maybe later?” Adam asks, already knowing the answer. Benny smiles and reaches to the passenger seat to ruffle his hair with a hand. They make their merry way just like that. Today they will have two and a half hours but Adam will probably throw in another half off the clock for a shared shower maybe. Well, as long as he makes it to his next appointment at eight, it doesn’t really matter. 

* * *

Michael spends the day on video calls with his assistant in the office and two of his clients. He also has to go over some deal between one of his clients and an old neighbour that owes her money. He too thinks it isn’t wise to deal with a lawsuit for only three thousand dollars. It’s better to allow the man time to pay. After that, he only goes over his emails and finishes up some paperwork. 

Before he knows, it’s evening. He can’t wait for the doorbell to ring and for Adam to appear with his joyous presence and that surprise he was mentioning. 

* * *

“Is it me or are you getting better and better at this?” Adam asks with a breathy chuckle then pulls Benny down for another kiss with his arms wrapped around the older man’s neck. Benny smiles against his lips and slams his hips into Adam’s in that one angle that makes Adam moan louder every time. They move faster than usual today grinding against each other and panting. 

Adam loves every groan he manages to rip from Benny’s throat. 

He tackles the older man flipping their positions and starts to do what he does best. Making the man below him come apart slowly and explode suddenly with enough force to shake both of them. At least when doing this with Benny, he doesn’t have to focus on anything else. Here, he can forget everything. It’s part of his job expectations too. Leave your worries and problems at the door. The moment you step inside with the client, you become who they want you to be. With the client, you aren’t allowed to think about anything other than they want you to. Until your alarm starts ringing and you leave, you are theirs. You don’t have a life of your own. You don’t have anything to occupy your mind. Your job is to be pretty and warm, to love and to embrace. You live to please. Yet, that’s not it. With every other man he sees yes but not with this one. With Benny, Adam is not ordered to but allowed to enjoy himself and forget everything outside. So he does. Fully. 

After it’s all over, after they step in the bathroom and share the longest shower ever, Adam finds himself snuggled to Benny’s side on the bed wearing nothing but a shirt borrowed from him. He will have to change and go eventually but he just likes the scent of the older man’s clothes. He likes the freedom of roaming the now well familiar wooden wardrobe and choosing his attire for the rest of their time together. It’s another aspect of his relationship with Benny that makes him feel better about himself. As if he isn’t a paid toy. As if he is… loved. 

“My dear Andrea was the love of my life, Adam. No one will ever take her place in my heart. But you know you are more than some disposable toy to please me. You’re my friend above all, brother. I value you. This here-” Benny starts talking suddenly no doubt guessing Adam’s thoughts as he always does then gestures at the bed and their tangled limbs at the last part. “-is just something between you and I. Remember, we are having a good time and relaxing together. It’s just life. You have it hard but don’t let that discourage you. You know I don’t judge, that I can never look down on you like that. No one is allowed to. And that includes you. Now tell me about that other issue that’s been on your mind all day. You said yesterday was rough. Maybe I can provide some insight at least.” 

Adam tilts his head up to see Benny’s eyes locked on him. Just how does this man manage to always have the right words to say? 

Then comes the big problem of the year.  _ Dean.  _ Dean is cheating on Michael. Adam doesn’t know what to do. Benny knows about Michael vaguely. Should Adam tell him? It is forbidden to share anything about a client with someone else. But Benny and him already have many secrets between the two of them. Adam knows he can trust him. And maybe sharing it will ease his mind somehow. Maybe-

With a sigh, he starts recounting what happened briefly. 

* * *

Michael prepares everything for the lasagna. Maybe he will even prepare it and put it in the oven before Adam arrives today. Maybe they should just calmly eat and have time left for whatever Adam has in mind rather than cooking together as they did many times before and as they both enjoy. Maybe it will be better to just have time to idly chat today. Michael doesn’t know why he feels like that but it sounds great in his mind. So he puts on his apron. He will make this as good as possible. Dean’s recipe will turn out good no matter what anyway. 

He smiles at the thought of the man he loves more than anything and his friend he will be spending time with soon. 

* * *

“Brother that’s…” Benny tries to talk, to say something but trails off just after the first couple words. Instead, he leans down squeezing his arms around Adam’s shoulders and places a kiss on his hairline. Adam leans back into Benny’s chest and closes his eyes. He will have to leave soon and go to face Michael. He will have to do something. Right now, he needs to enjoy the last few moments of peace here. He doesn’t know what will happen. His heart is heavy again. His mind is fuzzy. 

“Adam-” Benny calls out to him after a few more minutes of silence. “-he has a right to know. If you call this Michael your friend, you shouldn’t let him live a lie. Even if for a little while. I know it’s hard. He might not even believe you. You might end up as the bad guy. But as his friend, that’s a risk you have to take. You have to tell him.” 

With a sigh, Adam unravels Benny’s arms and leaves the bed. He gets his backpack and his clothes without talking. The other man watches from the bed as Adam discards the shirt and dresses himself. Adam knows that final look in his eyes. He doesn’t even know if he did right by asking for Benny’s opinion. He doesn’t know if his advice will work this time.

* * *

Adam’s surprise…  _ really _ is a surprise. Michael stands frozen at the door looking up and down at Adam and that- 

Adam chuckles probably at the look Michael must have on his face. The dog woofs impatiently and tries to go into the flat. Adam motions for Michael to make way for the black little monster and Michael does. He watches the dog walk inside slowly and elegantly settle on the plush rug in front of the TV. Adam follows closing the door after himself. “That’s Juliet. She is our special guest star tonight.” Michael blinks at the younger man for a minute after that. 

“ _ Juliet? _ ” Adam laughs all out at that. “I said the exact same thing when I met her at the agency. She is the boss’ girl. Apparently, he loves her so much he named his business after her.” Michael takes some time to watch the dog who is already acting as if she owns the place. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Adam looking down at his feet and biting his lip but can’t give a meaning to the gesture. 

“How exactly is she going to help us out?” Michael decides to ask for the lack of anything else to say. He watches closely as Adam raises his head at an instant and starts smiling again. As if slipping a mask on. But then again, Adam has a life out there Michael doesn’t know about. He might be stressed, tired, or simply angry at someone or something. What they do here is- Michael knows he is more than a job but there’s still that part of it too. Adam is probably trying to leave the issues outside to not affect him badly. 

Ten minutes later, he is sitting down on the rug and caressing Juliet’s head as Adam instructs. Their lasagna is cooking so Adam wanted to work a little until it’s ready. “That’s good Michael. Really good. Now try to take her in your lap. If you can already touch animals, I thought maybe we can use that to our advantage. It might help you get used to using your hands and actually touching someone. MAybe the lack of physical contact with things you are comfortable with limited your progress too. You were getting used to closing yourself off. And since Juliet is here, we should play with her a little, see if it helps.” Michael doesn’t know how much of fact there is to that theory but honestly, it’s worth a shot.

So the rest of the evening is spent taking care of the dog. They feed her some of her own food no matter how much she wants to eat a piece of their lasagna. Adam says it would be bad for her because of the high fat content. After that, Michael brushes her fur and throws around a ball for her to walk and get just as elegantly as before. All the while, Adam watches, mostly quiet. 

Something is different this time. He gets more and more sure that Adam has something bothering him. And that thought makes him want to act, to do something to help. Because Adam is really his friend. And Adam helped him so much…

“Is there- If it’s not private, Adam, tell me what has got you so down? There’s something. I can tell that much. Maybe- Maybe it’s something I can help with.” He can’t keep the question inside and Adam visibly starts when he hears it. Michael waits. He waits and witnesses the façade crumbling right in front of his very eyes. 

“Michael-” Adam starts talking then swallows slowly. “-I… Michael I am-  _ I am Dean’s brother. He is cheating on you. _ ”

Michael furrows his brows and asks himself if he heard right. What is Adam even-

“Michael I am sorry! I- I couldn’t just not tell you- Michael I- He is- I saw Dean kissing another man.  _ Please believe me. _ It’s- I am his half brother and- You don’t deserve this. Hell you don’t but- I- Dean-” 

All at once, Michael feels a fury like he never knew surging in his veins. What is Adam saying? About Dean and- Who does he think he is? Dean has one brother only and that’s Sam. Adam is a stranger. Someone who entered his life a few weeks ago. And now he is talking about Dean, saying things, lying-  _ Why?  _ What does he even think he is doing? 

In the background, Adam rambles on. Dean, a different man, a kiss and a black car. Michael doesn’t want to hear any of it. 

He bolts up his feet and starts shouting. He doesn’t know what he sputters out of his mouth. 

Soon, Adam is up on his feet leaving with the dog and tears on his cheeks. 

Michael falls to sit on the rug panting and trembling. 

He only remembers one sentence he uttered.

_ You don’t even know us, you are an escort I hired to help me. _

He called Adam an escort. 

Adam blamed Dean, his fiancé, with-  _ with cheating of all. _

No. That’s not true. Adam has no right.

No right. He left anyway. He left. Because-

Michael called him an escort. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaand heartbreak for both of them...


	6. Chapter 6

Michael called him an escort. 

Michael of all- 

Adam feels nauseous as he stumbles on the pavement half dragging his feet and half trying to run. Next to him Juliet keeps woofing at him probably aware that the tears and the breathless sobs shaking his entire torso aren’t normal. Adam pulls on the leash and simply keeps going. He doesn’t even know where he is trying to walk to. A bus stop? With Juliet? Somewhere easy to recognize to call a cab? Did he even get his phone? 

He doesn’t know. His head is heavy and aching. He is hyperventilating by this point. Everywhere, he hurts. Everything hurts. Just trying to move, to get away takes up all his energy. And as expected, he is falling down not even a few minutes of walking later. He finds himself sitting at the edge of the pavement with scratches on his forearms and probably one on his face given the burning feeling on one of his cheeks every time a tear slides down. Juliet tentatively comes and gets herself on his lap quietly licking at his hands and wherever else she can reach with a low almost motherly woof here and there. Her pups and the old dog herself have been nicknamed ‘hellhounds’ by the escorts at the agency. Funny that this black furry creature is the only one trying to take care of Adam in her own way now in his most vulnerable moment. 

He doesn’t know how long he sits there and simply sobs holding the dog pressed close to his chest. He doesn’t want to remember. Yet, Michael’s voice doesn’t leave his ears.  _ You don’t even know us, you are an escort I hired to help me.  _ No matter how hard he tries to push it all at the back of his mind, the images of Michael standing tall and shouting as he looks down at Adam with non disguised rage pouring out of the green of his eyes keep returning. Every time, a new kind of pain stabs his heart.  _ Hurt. Disappointment. Self-hate. The urge to harm himself. Anger at the man he trusted. Anger at himself for ever trusting. Hurt. Pain. Loss. Hurt. The yearning to just fall asleep and never wake up. The will to just give up. Hurt. Hurt.  _ **_Hurt_ ** _. _

Adam gasps out with a broken, strangled cry leaving his lips. Even Juliet flinches in his arms. He hugs her a little tighter. Right now, he has no one else to hold on to in the world. 

* * *

Michael doesn’t know how long he just stays on the rug where he fell when his knees gave out after Adam. He leans back against the cold wall and holds his head in both hands. 

Why?

Why did Adam do something like that?  _ Why? _ Michael called him his friend. They were supposed to have fun together. Michael was supposed to beat his phobia. Adam was supposed to be there and help him. Yes his profession stayed the same, he got paid for his time but Michael really came to see him as a friend. So why? How did Adam even think it all up? Why? Claiming to be Dean’s brother…  _ Half-brother, he said but still… _ Just why? Why did Adam make something like that up? Why did he tell Michael that he saw Dean- 

What did he want to achieve? 

Michael remembers all the time in the last few weeks they spent together. They were together almost every day. Five days out of seven. Every day for two hours. They spent all that time meditating, chatting, cooking together, cleaning up the flat that one time and even playing with that dog together. They were friends. What did Adam want to do? Why did he say something like that? Did he think Michael would believe it? Did he think- Such an obvious lie…

Michael knows,  _ feels _ Dean loves him. They are engaged to marry. They have been dreaming about founding a life together since their childhoods. They are so close to having all that now. Dean has been patiently waiting and helping Michael every step of the way. Michael has just started to make progress. Adam knows that. Adam was the one to somehow find the right way to make Michael succeed after four barren years of a whole nothing.  _ Why? _

Michael forces his mind until his head starts to feel as if it will explode. He has nothing in his hands despite all his efforts. A big, great nothing. There is no reason for Adam to lie to him. But he did. Why? Why would he want for Michael to suspect Dean, to have a fight with his fiancé and even break up? Something like this, questioning the faithfulness of the sole man who was there for him all his life  _ would _ lead to a break up no doubt. What would Adam gain from that? How did he even think to tell him he is some illegitimate half-brother Dean pretends doesn’t exist? It’s clear just by that that Adam doesn’t know anything about Dean. It’s obvious. Dean is kind. Dean is cheerful. Dean is the helping hand to anyone in need. Dean likes classic rock and beautiful cars. Dean secretly watches Scooby-Doo when he thinks Michael is locked in the study with case files. Dean could go hungry three whole days if he is to get a good pie at the end. Dean is secretly afraid of bugs and too shy to ask for Michael to throw it out when he sees one so he goes still and all quiet when that happens.  _ Dean can’t hurt a fly let alone someone sharing his blood in such a vile way.  _ If Dean had another brother, he would love that kid. Michael knows how much Dean adores– and still babies, Sam. So such a thing is just impossible. 

_ Impossible. _

Yet why would Adam lie about that? Is he just a bad person?  _ No _ . He can’t be. Michael knows him at least that much. But then again, he wouldn’t ever believe if he had been told an hour ago that Adam would do such a horrible thing. And Adam did. So maybe- But-

No. 

Dean loves him. And Michael loves Dean. It’s just not possible at all for him to have this big of a secret hidden from his childhood sweetheart. It’s not possible that he is going behind Michael’s back. Dean isn’t even cunning. No. He is too sweet to be. He isn’t a liar. He isn’t a cheater. Adam must have gone mad. There is no other possibility. Not at all. If he is capable of producing such dangerous, poisonous lies then Michael will simply won’t see him again. No one is more important than his peace, his life with his fiancé. There’s no place for someone trying to break them apart. Adam left anyway. He likely won’t be back. 

Michael called him an escort. 

And he is a total idiot for feeling that sinister guilt crawling in his heart. No. He did the right thing. He was a bit violent. He could have simply told Adam to go and waited until he left to go crazy with anger. But he still did the right thing. No one who dares to insult his Dean has a right to ever step over his threshold. No one. 

Michael will never see Adam again. 

* * *

Crowley raises a silent brow at him but doesn’t question Adam’s state until he sends Juliet home with his driver and goes to his office after signalling for Adam to follow. It’s half past ten now, an hour and a half before Adam’s next appointment. Adam is ruined. He feels as if a truck went over him. As if he endured hours of beating. He is tired and hurting. As a med student, he knows it logically and scientifically isn’t possible but at this moment, he feels as if his heart is slowing down just as exhausted as the rest of him. 

_ Juliet&Angels  _ is a penthouse on some high building in the middle of the city. There are a few rooms around for the escorts to rest between appointments and put their stuff to prepare. The big area is for hanging out and occasionally for parties if the special clients of the very high very rich kind desire. Adam attended one before. He walked around in tight fitting leather pants and nothing else dancing with men and serving drinks. A few make out sessions, some groping and sitting on a few laps earned him what he made in a week back then. Blond, young and pretty. He is the perfect goods for perverts. 

Now, as he walks after Crowley to the man’s office on the entresol up the modern metal stairs, a few of the other escorts sporting light drinks on the leather couches watch him out of the corner of their eyes.  _ They know. _ Everyone knows. Every escort lives through something like this at least a few times. They all come back with ruined make ups, dried tears and light bruises some time in their ‘career’. Sometimes it really is like Crowley assumed when he took the first look at Adam. Then that client goes to their blacklist the security gives them a  _ fair warning. _ Sometimes, it’s just them having a very very bad day, worse than usual at least. When that happens, Crowley allows them some time off depending on their state, reschedules their next appointment or sends someone else then the other escorts currently at the agency crowd around the poor one to collectively heal them. Kevin said once that they are all like sisters and brothers here. They struggle with the same things, have the same backstory and fight against the same cold world outside. So when an escort is breaking apart like Adam is now, the others all patch up their wounds. One brings a first aid kit if necessary, another helps them wash up. One gives them a massage, another gets them a drink. One gets takeout, another starts talking about a similar experience. They all sit huddled together and save whoever’s hurt. Even Juliet pitches in if she is there with her protective instincts that appeared after she became a mother. Right now, Adam needs that more than anything. 

In the office, Crowley motions for him to sit down and waits for him to start talking on his own. A part of him still lingers on that moment his- the man he called a friend for the first time in years maybe turned into this beast when Adam  _ badmouthed _ Dean. A part of him wonders if they are somehow better, more valuable people. A part of him wants to tell Crowley to blacklist Michael. The man will anyway. And Adam doubts Michael will want to- to ‘hire’ someone else from  _ Juliet&AngelsI _ again. So it doesn’t really matter. Just like everything Adam ever thinks and feels. It’s not important. It doesn’t matter. Adam doesn’t matter. 

He is no more than a common whore anyway. 

* * *

Michael picks himself up slowly. 

At first, he doesn’t know what to do. He walks around the house like a ghost. What just happened? What did he go through? What did he do? What did he say? Why? The questions still cloud his mind. It’s almost like this floaty, empty feeling he gets after a usual panic attack. Almost as if he lost the control of his own mind and body for some time. He is confused. He feels-

In the kitchen, he throws the lasagna with the tray and all into the trash. 

He doesn’t know what he is feeling. He is just aware of one thing. It hurts. Michael is in pain. Maybe it’s the disappointment, the betrayal that breaks his heart. Maybe he is fearing to be all alone when Dean is away like he has been in the last for years. Maybe he is afraid of going still again and losing his newfound chance to have what he has always wanted. Maybe-

As he stands leaning against the island counter, he sees the picture of him and Dean on the day of their highschool graduation with their caps and all pinned against the fridge by a comical magnet Dean won from some off-brand cereal. Instantly, he relaxes and lets out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. After a minute to completely cool down and another to look for his phone around the coffee table, he dials Dean’s number. Only Dean can help him now. Michael needs him. Michael needs to hold his hand and look into his beautiful eyes. He has to tell Dean about this scam tonight. He has to confess to the actual occupation of Adam who dared to- Anyway. Him and Dean can get over this together. 

The phone rings and rings until it goes to voicemail. 

Michael checks the clock. Dean shouldn’t be working this late. He never does, not even for the best cars. And it isn’t the time for him to be sleeping yet. They always meet or talk at this hour. So why isn’t he picking up the phone now? Maybe he is in the bathroom or getting himself a beer from the kitchen, his mind provides immediately. 

Surely he will pick up the next call. 

* * *

At half past eleven, Adam is in the back of a cab with fresh clothes and a little foundation to cover up the small red line on one of his cheeks. He is quiet, trying to hum along to the pop station he listens to sometimes to ease his mind. Crowley listened to him for ten minutes then pressed the button to instruct Drexel, his assistant. Everything was handled in a few minutes only. Then Adam was downstairs with his favorite burger from the twenty-four-hours-open diner a block away and with all the other escorts by his side. Kevin went up to talk to Crowley once he heard Adam insisted to still go to his next client but came back empty handed. One of the girls, Ruby, offered him only a sip of her own wine because of his upcoming appointment and a few others tried to chat a little. 

Adam got the foundation applied by gentle fingers almost caressing to soothe his heavy heart and his hair done by quick hands to make him as if nothing happened. It all worked better than he thought. Now he isn’t even thinking about the fiasco a couple hours ago. He isn’t. He only tried to warn Michael. He doesn’t really want to do anything with him or his precious fiancé anyway. Now, he is cheerful again. He is smiling and look,  _ even singing. _ He is the protegé of the agency among the younger ones at least. He is wanted and loved by a thousand lovers at the same time. He is perfect company, someone to cherish. He is sought by hot lips and worshipping fingers. So he is doing what he learned to do the best in the last two years. He is leaving the problems behind, outside the door. 

Tonight, he belongs to Zachariah. That one man who held him as if he is a priceless, delicate piece of art and who whispered promises of passion and love into his ears. Tonight, until nine in the morning, Adam will give him everything and let him turn his body into a temple. And tonight, he will lack nothing. 

* * *

Three calls and five texts. Still no answer. 

Michael sits tapping his restless fingers on the dining table and staring at his phone as if the small device can produce the reply he needs on its own. As if the text or the incoming call will appear any moment now. He half thinks Dean might be simply busy at the garage with his beautiful Impala. He knows that’s not the case. Worry floods his consciousness and dozens of different scenarios play in his mind. All with Dean needing him there. Maybe something happened. Maybe Michael has to stop being childishly selfish and go to Dean himself. Maybe Dean needs comfort and company more. 

Having made his mind, Michael bolts out of the door barely remembering to get his keys and wallet. 

* * *

It’s just like Adam remembers from last time. Feverish kisses yet a gentle warmth surrounding him. Slow and dragging out and perfect to relax him. This time, he is more eager. He arches up against the body pressed to him and lets his tongue explore every inch of skin within reach tasting as he lets low moans at the back of his throat fill the hotel room. 

The place is fancy. Better than the other one he went before. A quick glance around tells him that they are in some kind of honeymoon suite. Alcohol and sweets are placed on a trolley with rose petals and candles decorating the entire room. The scent of lavenders waft through the air probably coming from the bathroom where epsom salts and essential oils must be ready for use. Adam lets himself grin as he lies back against the fluffy pillows and feels pleasure overtaking him as the older man goes down on him with slow strokes and careful licks. This is all for him. Everything here. This pocket dimension away from the world outside. It has been built only for him. Because he is worth it all. Because he deserves it all. 

Soon Zachariah is moving inside with soft pants and adoring eyes. Adam takes hold of one of his hands, places a kiss on his knuckle and lets himself keen, throwing his head back against the pillow and exposing his throat. As he wanted, slightly chapped lips meet his hot pulse simply peppering kisses there and licking. Adam feels his worshipper of this night taking a deep whiff and starting to suck as if he is the first sinner and Adam, the fruit itself. As if the man can’t get enough. And tonight, Adam can’t get enough of that feeling, that knowledge. He is here. He is desired. He is beautiful. He is worthy of the best of everything. 

The man that shouted the bitter truth of his life at his face for merely wanting what’s best for him is forgotten and far away now. 

Tonight, he has someone crazy about him, a slave who would do anything in exchange of a caress, a peck, a smile from him. Tonight, Adam wants to be happy. And he is feeling generous. He will make this man lose himself. 

With slow, sensual movements he pushes his lover down right after they are done and takes the lead. The older man is wide eyed and groaning between loud moans from overstimulation. Adam will show him things he never knew. This one reward, Zachariah won by pleasing Adam.

* * *

Michael pulls up in front of the well familiar house and immediately unbuckles his seatbelt. Mary, his mother in law is gone for a Campbell family meeting they organize yearly. Sam is out of town for a case. So Dean must be alone and in need of Michael now. Maybe he is tired and asleep on the couch. Maybe he is feeling under the weather. Maybe one of the cars or the owners caused a problem. It could be anything. So good thing that he has his own key. He won’t make Dean open the door. 

With a low click, the small golden key turns in the lock and Michael lets himself in. He looks around but doesn’t see Dean anywhere in the living room. The lights are turned on but Dean himself is nowhere to be seen at the first floor. He must be in his bedroom then. Maybe he is really ill to go to bed hours before he normally does. Maybe Michael can make him something warm and sit with him. Maybe-

Laughter reaches his ears from the upper floor. The comes a muffled crash and laughter again. Dean. 

“No! Cas, not there. Stop it- Cas!” 

_ Dean. _

Cas? 

Michael stands frozen listening to the shrill laughter and the playful chastising of his fiancé’s voice under a deeper voice’s constant chuckling. The two men tumble around knocking a few other things down before a loud bang finally has Michael break out of the daze and run upstairs. 

* * *

Adam is doing something he never did before. He is sipping from a glass of fine scotch and humming approvingly as Zachariah reaches from behind him with Adam leaning against his torso sitting between his legs in the big tub and scrubs over his chest with his bare hands covered in soapy water. Adam allows himself to close his eyes and enjoy the tingling feeling left away from their many and many rounds in the bedroom and the light massage he is getting now. As he raises the glass to his lips once again, Zachariah wraps an arm around his waist under the water and leans his head down to kiss his shoulder. This is nice. The older man is good tonight. Maybe Adam will even go another round right here with him. The pleasant warmth in his stomach makes him forget how tired he is. And his lover is a caring one. It won’t be any trouble probably. Adam is merry tonight. He will be enjoying himself no matter what. 

“Whoever broke your heart, boy, they didn’t deserve you. You are ethereal. Perfect.-” A breathy whisper fills his ear then the kisses on his shoulders and the massage resumes. A flash of seafoam green lights in his head but Adam quickly dismisses it with a big gulp of scotch then places the glass somewhere on the side of the tub. “-Give me a chance and I will be better than they ever were, Adam. Be mine and let me be yours.” The last part somehow doesn’t catch him by surprise. 

Soon, they are rising from the now lukewarm water together and drying off. Adam doesn’t do anything other than to hand his towel to the older man too. And in no more than three minutes, they are on the bed together. Adam moves closer to Zachariah immediately and tangles their legs as two thicker arms wrap around his frame slowly. With his face hidden in the junction of the other man’s neck and shoulder, he whispers back just one word. “Okay.”  _ Just don’t call me a whore. Do anything you want but that. Please.  _

* * *

The sight that greets him knocks the breath out of Michael’s lungs. 

Dean is shirtless and on the bed with- With- 

His doctor. Of all people in the world- 

Dean is-

No. 

This isn’t happening. It’s not true. Michael is dreaming. He fell asleep at his flat after that terrible fight he had with Adam. This isn’t real. It isn’t happening. 

But it is. 

“M-Michael? Wh-what are you doing here? I- This isn’t- I-” 

Before his brain processes the movement, his palm meets Dean’s cheek. His hand burns and hurts with the strength of the slap. So he isn’t in a dream. This is no nightmare. 

Michael pants heavily with his wild gaze volleying between the wide blue eyes of the  _ other man _ and the beautiful grass green that looks dirty in this moment. It’s- There is no other explanation. 

Dean is cheating on him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unhealthy relationships and even unhealthier mentalities are my speciality now. why do I like playing with the characters' psychologies so much? can you all tell what Adam is doing this chapter?


	7. Chapter 7

“Do you like it here?” 

Adam doesn’t process the question at first. His mind is elsewhere. The scenery is great with the open blue sky and the lake. Chirping birds and laughing children around add to the peaceful atmosphere only. Currently, they are on a picnic mat under a big tree. Adam is sitting with his back against the tree bark and his head on Zachariah’s shoulder. The older man is looking at him, no doubt searching his face for some que to tell him if Adam is lying or pretending. Adam isn’t. But then again, he doesn’t really know what he is feeling now. He remembers how they all reacted. 

_ So what? You are gonna be his kept man?  _ Crowley was furious, scowling down at Zachariah’s name on Adam’s folder of accounts that afternoon.  _ It’s your call to make, darling. No one’s forcing you to work here. You don’t owe me anything. But I’d rather not lose someone like you. Not to this. If you had told me you found a good job somewhere and were leaving for good to finally save yourself, I would have been the first to congratulate you. But this? This guy? He is nearly old enough to be your grandfather. And married. Boy, don’t do that to yourself. Whatever’s your issue, we can solve it. Is it money? Is it accomodation? Is it that client? I am a bargainer. We can find a way. Don’t do it. Not for that bastard who scared even my Juliet. Don’t.  _ Adam listened with his head bowed and his eyes on his shoes. When Crowley finished, Adam shook his hand, thanked him for everything and picked up the duffel with his stuff left in the agency. 

_ Adam you are making a big decision in a passing phase. No one likes working here. But you can’t just go out like this without a back up plan. I’ll talk to Crowley. We can figure something out. That- That man isn’t- Please, Adam.  _ Kevin watched his every move as Adam walked down the stairs and tried a few times to get him to physically stop. Adam couldn’t face him either. The other men and women were gathered downstairs. It was rare to see someone from the agency leave for good. It never happened in the two years Adam worked there. Mostly because Crowley was a decent enough boss and the escorts there didn’t have any other chance in life. Adam had his very own goodbye party watching from the windows as he walked out of the building and got into the white Cadillac DeVille from the 70s. Zachariah drove fast. Just like Adam wanted. Without allowing him time to change his mind. 

_ Never once have I judged you for what you had to do to survive, brother. But this time, I think you are doing this purposefully. You are tormenting yourself. You have spent your life being bent. Now you are trying to break yourself just so you can finally be allowed to give up fighting. But Adam it’s not gonna happen. I promise you that much. And when you end up unhappy, the door will be open. There is a nice couch you can crash on and all the shows you like in my account. When you do come, we will get over this. It will pass Adam. Don’t let that man own you for the little while you will be with him. Just don’t forget you are your own person. Don’t forget about your hopes and dreams.  _ Benny who Adam expected to be the hardest to deal with among everyone, was surprisingly the easiest. He quietly listened until Adam finished talking then said what he thought as it was. As he always does. Adam saw him two days after he quitted the agency. He couldn’t let Crowley be the one to call Benny like all his other regulars. He needed to talk to the older man himself. And Benny took it so well that Adam almost couldn’t believe it. Maybe he was hoping for Benny to start a fight and stop him. Maybe that was why he went in person. Maybe- Adam knows. Benny thinks he doesn’t, but he knows. It was impossible to miss. Maybe that was why Adam went there. To make Benny lock the door and keep him from going to Zachariah. To stay until he healed. If only-

“You’re still quiet. It has been two weeks, Adam. You are okay now. You are out of that world. You won’t ever have to do any of that work again. You have me now.-” Zachariah caresses his hair with one hand. Adam closes his eyes at the soft motion. He doesn’t know what he is doing. Just… He simply wanted to feel human. He wanted to remember being a person. He wanted to forget. And Zachariah has been making good of his promises. He should be happier. Any time now, he should get over this mood. He will be better. “-I submitted the divorce papers today. Soon, it will be just you and I. It all will be over. I will love you. I will heal your wounds.”

Adam is so close to believing that. A part of him tells him not to. Yet the voice is fading underneath everything pushing it down. Adam feels something closing in. He only hopes it will either not hurt him or do it so bad that he simply won’t feel anymore. He can’t deal with anything more. Not alone. 

At least he has someone who loves him.

* * *

Michael stays locked in his flat. 

Seventeen days. It has been seventeen whole days since- 

That night, he drove around the dark streets of the city wanting to get lost in the shadows, in the alleys he entered now and then to simply not exist anymore. He wanted the nighttime to swallow him whole. Yet when dawn came, he was still here. He was breathing. He was alive. He was awake. He was walking home having run out of gas.  _ And he was terrified _ . Any moment, someone could touch him. He went to the bus stop but couldn’t get himself to step on one. Not with all the people. Not with all the hands. He was afraid. Like in those first days four years ago. He was trembling. His mind was cloggy. His limbs moved on their own. He did everything mechanically. Without thinking. And now, it has been seventeen days. 

There are two coherent thoughts clouding his every conscious moment.  _ Dean.  _ Michael keeps replaying that scene he saw in his head again and again. As if it was a dream. As if he isn't sure if it really happened or not. As if- But then he picks up his phone and reads the last text he got from his fiancé before blocking the number.  _ I am sorry. I am really sorry. But you were dealing with too much. How could I dump you? You would think it was because you were sick. You wouldn’t ever get over your phobia. Cas and I had a thing back in highschool. Before you. He was from that private school down the street. I think things got fired again when you and I started to drift apart. It was clear we wouldn’t end up together, Michael. I wanted to wait for you to see that on your own. I know it didn’t turn out any better but I swear I was afraid of hurting you at the time. And I couldn’t just say anything afterwards. I am sorry you found out like that. I was planning to talk to you soon. You were getting better. But whatever happened can’t be undone now. I know you could see we were strained. We were both tired. Now we are both free. I will always love you, just not like that. I hope we can be friends again someday.  _ Through the cracks on the screen, Michael squints his eyes to get every word on each reread. He threw the phone the first time. 

There is also Adam.  _ Adam. _ How right the younger man was. But that issue is something big on its own. Adam told the truth then. The full truth. He had no reason to lie to Michael. And that means-  _ He is Dean’s brother. _ Michael never knew. Dean has a half-brother. An illegitimate child his already married father and his brothers threw aside. Adam is- He is working in a job like that to support himself. He is in college. He looks no older than twenty one or twenty two maybe. Yet he is that desperate. When he has two older brothers, one who works with classic cars and gets a ridiculous amount of money and another who is a future lawyer and an intern at the best law firm of the state. Adam is all alone. Someone who isn’t wouldn’t be forced to- Adam told the truth that day. Michael called him an escort. He knew how much it hurt Adam to be called names. Michael deduced that much from the few and far between comments about Adam’s work and the bad mood he fought tooth and nail to hide in the evenings he saw other clients before their session. Yet Michael did it. How could he be so cruel? Against someone so young and so bright? Against someone who befriended him and helped him? He knew Adam saw more than the money in their contract. Or else he wouldn’t try that hard, laugh that genuinely. Still, he hurt the younger man. Knowingly. How could he? And for what? For Dean… Dean who was cheating on him. Dean who he loved. Dean who he didn’t know at all. 

Michael hurt Adam. 

* * *

Adam feels little. Insignificant as he sits at the well used dining table on someone else’s chair in someone else’s house. He tries to tell himself that he isn’t the one to blame for this. Zachariah started it all. Even in their first appointment, he was lamenting his marriage and mentioning divorce. Apparently, they attempted it before but gave up the idea when relatives got in between the man and his wife to save the marriage. It worked for a while. But their relationship was still crumbling. They weren’t even sleeping in the same room. Now, it’s not his fault. Adam keeps repeating the sentence again and again. 

The woman, Naomi, left immediately once she got notified by the relevant court for the divorce. There is another house just like this where she now lives. Her and Zachariah met once to settle the matters like the details of the divorce and finances between them. This house is going to be Zachariah’s while she has the other. But they are not going to stay here. In front of him, the laptop screen displays various houses for sale. Adam doesn’t think he should be the one to decide. Not really. The money isn’t his and they-

Since when did he and the man become  _ they _ anyway? 

Is he really going to do this? Is he going to actually stay with this man? Sleep in his bed every night? Move in permanently with him? Let him drive him to school on his way to work? Is he- 

_ Kept man. _

Is it what he will become? Like Crowley said? How is he even going to build a life on the ruins of that woman’s? Does he even want this? Does he love-  _ No. _ But, is it possible to come to love that man? 

When he thinks, Adam finds he likes being held close. He likes not being left alone at night. He likes being tenderly kissed. He likes seeing something of awe reflecting back in the blue eyes. Not of the sexual kind mixed in with want but  _ awe.  _ And affection. He thinks of the mother he lost, the father he never had. He thinks of the lonely life he spent being pushed around and humiliated. Now he likes that someone is here with him to hold his hand. Zachariah wasn’t the first client who asked Adam to quit the agency and have a relationship with them. He always refused. They always turned violent. Always, the security had to come in. So why? What pushed him to choose this man of all? What’s so special now? Why did he do it? Why did he leave the only life he knew for two years? 

_ Kept man. _

Is this any better? Is it worth everything that’s happening all too fast? Two months ago, Adam quitted  _ Juliet&Angels _ . Now, he is looking up houses with a man he has known for less than half a year. 

_ Kept man. _

Better than a whore. At least he will be with one and only one. 

* * *

It took everything he got to prevent Gabriel from returning. Of course Dean told everything to Sam and Sam called his childhood best friend three years his minor. They involved him too. And Michael felt the fury returning with all its fire after his younger brother called and cried on the phone. Gabriel is just twenty. He has his school, his friends, his life there. He entered Lucifer’s school. He is a history major just like their late brother. He dreams of becoming the fun and easygoing prof and telling his students the stories Lucifer used to tell him to make his history homeworks easier. He wants to name something after Lucifer and make everyone know his name in the field. Just like Lucifer wanted for himself. And Gabriel likes the colorful life at the campus too. He found his place, he would tell Michael whenever they talked. Now, he was about to abandon all that to come console his big brother who is a failure of one. It’s another reason to take down all the frames in the flat and rip every picture. 

His new doctor is from another clinic. The woman, Ellen Harvelle, takes a completely different approach to these things. Michael has regular appointments with his new psychologist, also Ellen’s daughter. Jo, as she insists to be called, is young. Actually freshly out of school. But Michael doesn’t think Ellen sent him to her because she is the girl’s mother. Jo is chirpy, smiling and brightening the room with her presence. She takes Michael to group therapies. Something he never did before. He sits close with all the other patients and slowly works to get rid of that non-stop trembling when there are so many people all around. He lost progress because of a recent traumatic experience, both Ellen and Jo confirmed. Yet they didn’t prescribe any medication. Jo says they needed the first few weeks to see how Michael would do without them. If necessary, he will get pills later. But that’s probably not going to happen. Michael wishes he could be as positive. 

One day, he finds two large cardboard boxes outside his door in the building. A peek inside one shows clothes, books and everything else of his that were left at Dean’s. 

He kicks the boxes and slams the door. 

Slowly, he slides down to sit on the floor with his back against the front door and his knees drawn to his chest. On his left hand, he still sees a stripe of skin of a few shades lighter. He removed the ring and threw it somewhere. Now even the mark left on his finger makes his heart hurt. It makes him feel trapped. It makes him feel as if he is still being lied to and manipulated by that man he loved. 

As if he still has that man’s ring on his finger. 

* * *

He now has that man’s ring on his finger. 

Adam raises his hand in the dark of the bedroom and stares at the silver shining under the moonlight that enters through the blinds. Zachariah is asleep with an arm pulling Adam close to himself. Adam on the other hand can’t seem to close his eyes. Not tonight. Not with the unfamiliar weight around his finger.

Was this what he wanted? Is it okay now? Why did he let Zachariah do it? Is this-

A month. The divorce will be official. And there isn’t a waiting period in this state. They will apply for a marriage licence together. It will be issued in three days or so. Then they will have sixty days for the ceremony. And finally, another thirty days will get the certificate to them.  _ Less than four months _ . 

The new house will be ready with the furniture and everything by then. The semester will also end. They will go somewhere together. Then they will come back and that’s going to be it. Everything will be final and settled. Before even another year. Before he turns twenty one. Before he graduates. Zachariah even talked about choosing a place for Adam’s clinic next year. They will slowly renovate and ready it. They could rent it until Adam needs it. He could work with the other doctor in his free time then inherit the clinic. Shortly, Adam will have everything as soon as he becomes a real doctor. They will be happy together. He will have everything he dreamed of. He will never be forced to succumb less than a person with thoughts and feelings. Not anymore. He will never be alone. Not again. 

If only Adam could fully believe it. 

It’s as if he is in a daze. As if he is dreaming. As if-  _ It’s abuse. _ Benny’s voice rings in his ears. They met for lunch the other day. Adam went when Benny offered. Maybe he was hoping to get rid of every seed of doubt in him. Maybe he needed a breath of fresh air. Maybe he wanted to see a friend. Maybe he wanted someone to stop him.  _ He is trapping you, Adam. That man is over fifty. You are twenty yet. It’s not gonna work out, brother. Even if you were in love which you aren’t, it wouldn’t be good. The man wants to shoo the wife away and immediately tie you to himself before you get away. I can’t force you to do anything. No one can. It’s in your hands to end it. Don’t let him own you.  _

Don’t let him own you. 

Become mine and let me be yours, Zachariah had said. 

Does it still count? Should Adam- What will he even do on his own? After everything, after the two harsh years and the life that ruined him… 

He wonders what Michael is doing. 

Even thinking of the man causes him to remember that day. He knows, he understands. Dean is the love of Michael’s life. Adam wronged Dean in, Michael’s eyes. He shouldn’t have. He had no right. He was a stranger. A nobody. 

He wonders if they are planning their wedding now.

Tomorrow he will be fitted for his own suit. 

* * *

Michael sits in the car flipping the small business card between his fingers. 

This isn’t the first time he came here. No. In the first time, the door was shut to his face by a young, slender looking asian boy. He was asked if he was a first timer or not. His name was going to be checked if not. Yet as soon as he gave his name, the door slammed on his face. A threat to send the security after him came muffled through the heavy pinewood and oak. When he asked about Adam, no answer came. 

So now, Michael is in the car waiting around. 

_ I think you should resolve that guilt first, Michael. You think you hurt your friend. Go to him. Find him and apologize at least. You know what you did wrong. That’s something. And if he really was as good a friend as you described, he will at least try to understand you even if he can’t fully forgive you. Redemption isn’t about forgiveness Michael. Go to him and talk. You can do it. You can learn to do better next time because you made that mistake. Go. _

Michael remembers feeling the rush of determination that day when Jo first talked to him about Adam. It has been weeks since then. He has been coming here. At first he walked around the street. He never saw Adam. Not once. Maybe the people from the agency warn him to not come. Maybe they are all helping Adam avoid him. They would be right to do that. Michael knows what he did. Shames himself everyday for it. He can’t imagine how Adam is feeling now. So he needs to do this. He needs to get a few seconds at least, enough to fit in the single sorry. Enough for Adam to look into his eyes and see he means it. 

He needs to fix what he broke. 

* * *

Today is the day. 

It’s over. Zachariah is officially free. Naomi Milton doesn’t exist in their lives anymore. Adam only saw the woman once in the court halls. She looked at him with something akin to pity in her eyes. Adam closed his eyes tightly as Zachariah came to him with a big grin and kissed him on the lips right in front of her. 

Does he pity himself too? Is this empty feeling called that? Will it never pass? Will he never become himself again? Will the white suit specially tailored for him not make anything better? 

He changed, didn’t he? He saved himself. He isn’t a whore anymore. He is going to his classes and studying for his exams. In the evenings, Zachariah makes him some tea and adjusts the table lamp for him because Adam is terrible at remembering the little things like that to protect his eyes. Sometimes they sit on the bed side by side with books strewn on the covers. Zachariah helps Adam memorize stuff for his quizzes. Then they turn in together and stay wrapped with each other until morning. 

It was everything Adam wanted. To not be reduced to a sex toy and used. To be adored. To be kept close. To have the warmth. 

Yet lately, he has been turning on the AC in the nights for a light cool breeze in the bedroom. It’s always stuffy. It gets hot. Adam finds himself sweating in this man’s embrace. He can never get truly comfortable. His heart is never eased. There is something heavy there, a lump in his throat, a hand squeezing his lungs.

He can’t breathe. 

“Tomorrow we will go apply for the licence. You morning’s free right? I’ll get the whole day off from work. We can go and have a nice lunch somewhere afterwards. I’ll take you to your afternoon class. Does that sound nice?” Zachariah asks as they walk to the house hand in hand in the driveway. Adam distantly nods almost immediately forgetting what he agreed to. 

_ He can’t breathe. _

* * *

Michael stays for over an hour just watching the building and the street where he parked the car. No sign of Adam anywhere. He has been coming on random hours of the day to catch him too. Yet-

No. He won’t give up. He will find a way to reach Adam. Even if he has to wait for months… Even if he can’t find him here… Logically, Adam is Dean’s brother. Michael doesn’t think he can face Dean and stay calm. But maybe Sam… Sam must have Adam’s number. If Michael can’t find him like this, he will try reaching Sam. Then- He doesn’t know if Adam would even want to talk to him after what happened. He was only trying to help after all. Michael reacted in a way both insulting and unjust. Adam has every right to have him banned from the agency like this. He-

Suddenly, someone knocks on the car window. 

Michael sees a sturdy man leaning down at him and motioning for him to lover the window. “Are you Michael Shurley?” The accent in the man’s voice somehow makes his speech softer. Michael is sure he shouldn’t believe it though. 

“Are you the security?” He must be right? How else would he know and recognize Michael? 

The man shakes his head. Michael raises a brow. 

“Kevin pointed you out for me. I gotta talk to you About Adam.-” At that, Michael blinks up at the blue eyes for a few seconds. This man-  _ Who is he even?  _ And just how crazy Michael exactly is for what he is about to do? For- He motions for the man to come to the passenger seat. About Adam… What does this guy even know? Is he someone from Adam’s family? A friend? Is he-

“My name is Benny.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a fun chapter to write. Poor Adam and Michael... But something's about to happen!   
> Thanks everyone for reading and leabving your beuatiful comments! You all help out a lot without even noticing it.


	8. Chapter 8

“I came here to find you, Michael.” Benny says as he settles in the passenger seat carefully. Michael takes the opportunity to really inspect the other man. The man has a strong build complimented by a dark coat and a flat cap. The light colored beard and small, kind eyes give him an aura that makes Michael immediately want to trust him even having been brought up knowing stranger danger. Though this stranger came to find  _ him _ . Exactly.  _ How? Why?  _ “Why were you looking for me? You mentioned Adam. How do you know him?” Michael decides to immediately get to the point. Benny sighs and leans back for a second as if trying to decide where to start. Michael senses the tale to come will be tiring at the very least. “You won’t find Adam here. He quitted his job a few weeks ago. Close to two months, I assume.” Benny stops there waiting for Michael’s reaction. 

Adam quitted the agency. Just like that. Out of the blue. Yet-  _ It’s not out of the blue. _ Not really. Michael remembers what happened back then. Their last session.  _ You don’t even know us, you are an escort I hired to help me.  _ Michael said that. He did. How could he be so cruel? How broken Adam looked when he heard that… How he ran sobbing… And then-

Is it because of him? Was that the last straw for Adam? Hearing someone who he called a friend calling him an escort. God knows whoever else humiliated him like that almost daily. How did Michael also do that to him? How? And because of him Adam did- What did he do? Where did he go? How does he support himself now? He is a college student too. God.  _ Where is Adam? _

“This is going to be sudden, Michael. I don’t have the time to sugarcoat it for you. It already took days just to find you.-” Michael realizes only when he raises his head to look at Benny that he had lowered it to rest his forehead against the wheel. “-Listen, I am Adam’s friend. Also an ex-client. He was already on the border of being depressed for the two years I have known him. A few weeks ago, he couldn’t take it anymore. He left the agency in the arm of one of the clients who finally managed to trick him. He is getting married.”

Married. 

There must be some issue, something wrong with his ears or his brain. Maybe he is too tired now. The days spent running back and forth between his flat and this street looking for Adam must have drained him. That- That must be it. Why else would his head spin like this? Why else would he tremble? Why else would his ears be ringing like this? Why else? He is- He heard wrong. He is just tired. Emotionally and physically exhausted. He doesn’t even know this man. He doesn’t know how he was found. This Benny could be a stalker, a serial killer for what Michael knows. How will he trust that he really is Adam’s friend? Would a stranger know his connection to Adam? Maybe someone from the agency- But- 

Who is he kidding? 

This is guilt mixed with fear eating at him. Michael is afraid. He had a friend. And he lost that friend. Funny, he lost Dean too. But now, Dean doesn’t even cross hi mind. Maybe because he doesn’t want to think about that night but- He thought he would go crazy, become delusional with that pain. He thought he wouldn’t live long after that. He thought- The only reason why he got back on his feet was Adam. He realized what he had done and decided to fix at least one thing. To make one wrong right. He- Adam is Dean’s brother. For real. And everything the younger man said that night is true. Michael is after that. The truth. His friend. Adam. Yet-

“The man is older by about thirty or more years. He is clearly a creep. Adam- Adam believes no one else would love someone like him. He was tired. After everything, he thought it was the only way to save himself. So help. Help out, Michael. I tried to stop him. We all did, everyone who knows Adam. Yet he didn’t listen. I am not an asskisser, never have been. You’re the reason why Adam did that to himself.  _ I know. _ I know it all. Now, you’re gonna come with me. We will find Adam and get him out of there.”

Michael doesn’t know what to be horrified at more. Adam’s choices, that man or… his own actions that have led to this. Benny is right. But what can he do? How will he find Adam? Benny doesn’t seem to know too. As if he too has been looking for Adam here. They- How are they going to do this? And- 

With a sigh, Michael runs a hand down his face .He doesn’t understand. He can’t think. His head is a mess on the inside. Yet he needs to decide if he is going to trust this man. 

What other choice does he have to find Adam?

* * *

“You’re perfect.” Zachariah kisses his cheek then lets his lips dag down Adam’s jawline. Adam inhales sharply and Zachariah must mistake it for an excited gasp becuase the man chuckles before lifting his head again. There in the mirror, the two of them stand. Zachariah is behind Adam with both of his arms wrapped around Adam’s waist. They are wearing matching suits but in opposite colors. Adam is in white with a bouquet of fake roses in his hand. This is the last day. Their last time in the tailor’s. Their outfits are completely finished. Today, they are going to leave with two dress bags laid out carefully in the trunk of the car. Then they will go to a five star restaurant for a nice dinner. Zachariah will call his assistant to check their tickets and reservations one last time. They will turn in early. Then-

It’s tomorrow. 

It will all be over tomorrow. Adam will wear this beautiful suit with handmade intricate needlework on the tie and the handkerchief. They will be in the biggest church. All of Zachariah’s coworkers and friends will be there. They will attend the small party by the pool in the new house. That’s it. 

How simple. 

How easy. 

And in what? Two months? A bit more? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t even remember the last time he looked at a calender. The school is closed too. He has no reason to track the dates. He no longer has his job. He- 

He will have a new life. Soon, very soon, he will. After tomorrow, they will go to a long vacation. They will travel around a bit, relax, have fun, see no one they don’t want to. When Adam returns to this state, he- He will be a married man. And he will be happy. He will finally have a home. He will have a family. Zachariah has been talking about pets. And maybe, if Adam wants in the future- But it’s too early for that. First, they will savor each other and their new life. They will be great together. Zachariah will take him to school everyday. He will buy Adam flowers of every kind just like he does now. He will get out of work early sometimes, steal him from the campus for a date. They will go everywhere, do everything the two of them. They will be laughing, holding hands and eating snacks of vendors like middle school kids. It will rain and they will share an umbrella. It will be sunny and they will open the top of the white classic car with a pop station playing in the raido and the breeze messing thier clothes and hair. They will swim in their pool. They will go to ballgames and concerts. They will cook together. They will fall asleep together and wake up with each other. Every day. 

They will be happy. 

Adam will be happy. 

Finally, someone loves him. Finally, he will be more than a forgotten brat, an orphan in his aunt’s house, a highschooler whose parents never come to meet the teachers, a broke kid living off cheap pasta and eggs, a poor eighteen year old trembling in front of an older man without his clothes, a gift bought for one night to some random guy, a young man who becomes a different man’s every night. No, he will have a husband. He will belong to one and only one. 

_ Don’t let him own you. _

Adam does quick work shoving that smooth voice with the heavy accent out of his head. It’s not like that. It’s not. They don’t know. They are all wrong. All of them. Adam is finally saving himself. He is getting himself a life. He isn’t their toy anymore. He won’t be. Never again. 

_ You are an escort I hired to he- _

No. 

Adam isn’t. He isn’t an escort. Not anymore. He isn’t a whore. He isn’t an object. For the first time in his life, he made a choice with what he wanted in mind. And he wants this. He wants this life. He wants his husband. He loves this man. He is doing the right thing. He won’t ever look back. He will take time away from here with his new family and enjoy life. He will be a doctor. He will reach his dreams. He will be happy. And he believes that with everything he has. He does. Everything is behind him now. 

Even-

* * *

“I have done what I could, boys. I am afraid what you are asking for is too much. And you-” The man in the black suit looks directly at Michael with a gaze fitting a demon. A growl sounds behind the man and Michael immediately recognizes the black furry creature. Juliet. The namesake of this business. The dog is mimicking her owner with the death glare too. “-are only here because you came with a trustworthy longtime client. It doesn’t change anything. As soon as you step out of here, you are on the blacklist again. The security will drag you out if necessary. You hurt one of my boys, made me lose business and dared to threaten my reputation. So ask something else the two of you.” 

Next to him, Benny swallows thoughtfully but doesn’t say anything else. The man–  _ Crowley?  _ raises a brow at them. Michael knows what they wanted of him was bold, absurd, impossible but- Well, the fact that it’s for Adam, a former employee of this man at the end of the day, doesn’t change anything. They just asked him for the personal information of one of his ‘regular’ clients. The man stopped hiring from here when he got what he wanted but still- They asked Crowley for this Zachariah’s address. And rightfully, the businessman refused. 

Just as Michael is about to open his mouth to come up with something else to say, a sigh from the corner of the room reaches his ears. Behind one of the heavy curtains, a young man, the asian one Michael saw before comes out into their view. “Crowley, give them what they want. That old pig won’t likely ever return now that he has Adam. He isn’t our client now. And if they manage to get Adam out of his claws, we will simply blacklist him. I know he is one of the wealthier ones, I know he threw a few parties here and came back again and again but… Look, I got Adam into this. We both saw how badly he was hurt. What’s one bastard gone from our place? It will be a secret. It won’t leave this room.  _ Please. _ ” The young man leans down to caress one of Crowley’s cheeks and the older man in turn keeps his gaze for a few seconds. 

“I can’t hand you the file itself.” With that, the man reaches for a sticky note on the side of his large desk. The asian man, obviously another escort, smiles big and places a kiss on the man’s cheek. Michael doesn’t look at what else they do nor does he listen to what more is said. He watches the ink flowing out onto the neon pink pieceo f paper through the tip of the expensive pen. The few words and numbers scribbled there will be what saves his friend. It is his last chance to fix it all before he ruins another thing. Like his relationship with his fiancé  _ ex-fiancé _ . Like his job after his phobia started. Like his life. Like his brothers’ lives. So he will do this. 

Whoever he loved left him in one way or another. Whatever he cherished withered away. Whatever he touched got ruined. But not this. Not Adam. 

Michael will save him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -A short chapter after ten days but better than nothing I guess. Currently, two of my seven one shots for midam week are complete and are drafts on my ao3 ready to be published. Another three are almost done. I have two I haven't started yet. Also my university is opening soon so I have been busy trying to get profs' consents for the 7 classes I want to take. I also am an intern at ICF trying to learn career coaching. Busy times but I love you all! Thank you lots for being patient with me and your continuinf supports. <333


	9. Chapter 9

The morning greets Adam with beautiful sunlight filling the bedroom. It’s early. A quick glance at the clock confirms the fact. Next to him, Zachariah is still sleeping. Adam never exactly fell asleep the whole night. 

Today is the day. 

It will be over soon. The promise ring will be exchanged for a wedding band today. Soon, a few hours later, they will be walking out of that church arm in arm and laughing together. Soon, they will be one by law too. Soon, Adam will have a family. So today is a good day. He is happy. Happy and excited a little. That’s why he couldn’t really sleep. That’s why he is feeling this strange thing in his stomach and the one in his chest. He is excited. That’s what it all is. He is about to step into a new life, one he deserves with someone who deserves him. He won’t ever be alone again. They will have pets here, maybe a dog. Zachariah said he will help Adam build a house for the dog in the garden. They will take it for walks together. They will play with it on the grass on summer days together. A flash in his mind brings an image of dark fur and motherly barks. A hellhound. Adam feels the corner of his lips tilting upwards with a silent chuckle. Juliet. She-  _ No. _ Adam will get a white dog. His mouth forms a thin line again. No. They are behind him now. That life, every aspect of it, is behind him. He won’t keep any reminders around. 

He tilts his head on the pillow to look at the two suits hung in the walk in closet. Today, they will wear those. They will look great together. All the guests will look at them with wonder. Everyone will laugh and dance and drink. It will be a beautiful night. They will be leaving tomorrow morning. They will go all around and have the time of their lives. Adam wants that. He wants it all. He wants this new life. 

With a deep breath, he moves closer to Zachariah placing his head on his chest and the man puts an arm around him in his sleep. 

This is it. This is what he wants. Someone here to hold him. Someone to love him and share this life with him. This is it. Adam is happy. 

He is.

_ For sure _ . 

* * *

The house is empty. Michael wants to rip his own hair out as he reads the estate agent’s banner hanging from the second floor balcony again and again. For sale. Of course. Of course that old douche changed his address immediately. He knew Adam wasn’t easy prey no matter what the young man was living through. He knew Adam wouldn’t just be abandoned by his family and friends to this fate. He knew someone would come after Adam to get him out of there. So- 

Michael punches the wheel so hard his entire forearm throbs with pain. “What do we do now?” He asks more to himself than to Benny. The other man huffs thoughtfully and closes his eyes for a moment to think. Michael leans back on the seat too. They are truly stuck now. How are they supposed to find this man and Adam? How will they save him? How- They are already running out of time. Adam is about to throw himself in Hell. What if they are already late? What if they don’t make it? What if- Because of his mistake- 

“The street. I think I remember the street.-” Benny is suddenly muttering to himself. Michael gives him a questioning look and asks the man to speak louder. “-I peeked at the file as Crowley was writing the address. There was another one there, a second house.” The two hold each other’s gazes for a second before Michael starts the engine again. 

He prays they will find Adam there. He still has apologies and amends to make.

* * *

“The luggages are ready. The car is finished too. The florist did an awesome job with it. All that’s left is us.-” Zachariah leans in close to kiss him as Adam ties the bathrobe. “The hairdresser’s team will be here at eleven. The masseur should come before them. The photographers want to take a few shots of us in the garden with the car before we leave for the church. The garden will be completely ready with the buffet and all by the time we return. The orchestra and the servers from the catering company should arrive right after we leave. My assistant will take care of everything. It will be perfect, okay?” Adam nods and smiles. It falls off his lips as soon as Zachariah turns around to get a towel to help him dry his hair. He sits on the edge of the bed and stays still for the older man working cheerfully. 

This is it. 

In a few minutes only, there will be many people here. They will push Adam around between them to get him perfectly ready for-  _ for his wedding. _ They will put that white suit on him, do his hair and everything else from a manicure to a shave. They will hand him those fake roses and put him in ridiculous poses under the sun with flashes blinding him. Before his eyes will have a chance to rest, he will be in the white Cadillac with the top open and the flowers over the car leaving petals on the roads they pass. They will be in the church with the huge crowd of business people and everyone else Zachariah invited. On Adam’s part, there will be no one. No one other than his future husband holding his hand. He has no family, no friends to invite there. Even the best men, the ring bearers and the flower girls were arranged by the organisators. Adam will pretend to know all of them and look perfect there. He will throw the bouquet then come back here with the car horns following them from the guests’ cars behind. There will be music, dancing, drinks, laughter…

Why doesn’t Adam feel like laughing at all today?

* * *

“Are we in the right street? Are you sure it’s here?” Michael asks as they both look around at the buildings. The neighbourhood is nice with children playing out in the sun and its middle sized, clean looking houses. Still, the area is nowhere close to the previous place. Where the other house was clearly expensive and luxurious, one of these here could easily be afforded by young families without much to their name. So Michael doesn’t really believe one of the houses here could be the new place someone like that Zachariah moved with Adam. Still, it seems as if they have nothing else other than this fragment of hope. 

“I guess we will have to walk around. Maybe ask someone for directions to Zachariah’s house, ask if there was a house sold recently or straight up describe Adam and Zachariah. As a couple, I am pretty sure they must have drawn attention to themselves.” Benny talks as if mentally checking an invisible list. Though he is right. They only have this place to start. “We better start then.” 

With that, they both open the doors. 

* * *

When they are all finished, everyone in the bedroom steps aside to let Adam stand in front of the mirror. Adam obliges for the lack of anything else to do now. He stands and silently looks at his reflection. The white suit and the eggshell shirt underneath look beautiful hugging his frame in all the right places. The tie and the matching handkerchief in his pocket are both elaborate with fine handmade needlework in silver thread. The white converse shoes make his attire younger by at least a couple of years but Adam really doesn’t feel like squeezing his feet into those uncomfortable shiny shoes today so he will go with this. He looks old enough with the tired gaze of his eyes anyway. He faces his reflection and decides that much as he inspects his hair styled back and shining like it never did with the expensive products afterwards. 

A woman, the make up artist who was hired in vain to only apply some highlighter and lip balm which Adam could easily do himself, comes forth with the last piece. The fake white roses he will have to carry around for a few hours at least. “You look amazing, Mr. Milligan. White really is your color.” Adam weakly smiles at her through the mirror as he holds the bouquet in front of himself to see the final look. He takes a deep breath, pushes out his chest and raises his chin. Through the open window, he can hear Zachariah’s voice instructing the photographer and his assistant. He closes his eyes and tries to imagine it. His new life. 

He imagines all the days and nights that will be spent in this house together. He imagines the pictures that will slowly cover all the walls. He imagines the doghouse they will build together. The excited pets greeting them at the door, the evenings spent by the pool with a barbecue and a few neighbours over, the nights on the plush cushions in front of the fireplace downstairs with old dusty books and hot chocolate, the lazy mornings on the king sized bed behind him with breakfast on bed trays… He imagines it all and takes another deep breath as he opens his eyes slowly. This is it, he tells himself. The day of his wedding. Today, he is leaving everything behind. Every man who pushed him around after using him, every person looking down on him throughout his lonely life, every night he cried himself to sleep, every insult thrown his way… Today, he will get rid of it all. He will have a family, a warm home where he won’t ever have to be alone nor afraid again. From now on, he will be an ordinary person and nothing less with everything he deserves in this life at his will.  _ He will be happy.  _

With a quick move of his hand, he throws the bouquet on the vanity table and rushes to the joined bathroom. As soon as he slams the door after himself, murmurs start on the other side.  _ Poor thing, he must be terrified. God knows why he is doing it.  _ Adam swallows thickly and leans back against the door. Then remembering the white suit jacket, he takes a step forward.  _ Even for that much money, I wouldn’t want Milton. Who knows what the boy’s going through.  _ He pushes his palms against his ears. Without a reason, his eyes fill with tears.  _ So young and handsome too. What kind of parent would let his child do this?  _ His mom’s face flashes in his mind. And that man who spoke the last part is right. His mom would die again before she would- But it’s not like that. It’s not that simple. He doesn’t have his mom. He doesn’t have anyone else. That’s why all those things happened to him. It’s why Adam is like this. And Zachariah… loves him. For the first time ever, someone wants to be here for him with everything. Someone wants to literally share his life. Someone wants to be his family. And Adam wants that too. He wants this more than everything. They are, these people outside the door are, all wrong. They don’t know anything about him, about his life. Today Adam is happy.

When he opens the door and steps back into the bedroom, he makes sure to have a big grin on his face. He stands tall and walks with graceful steps that make his hips sway in that specific way that got every man who saw him left with a racing heart. As he walks back in front of the mirror, he picks up the bouquet again then nonchalantly throws it. The hairdresser skips on his feet to catch the fake flowers. Adam turns to face them all right then. They are all puzzled now, obviously reevaluating their previous assumptions. “Get me the florist please. I want fresh flowers. A colorful arrangement. Those roses look like paper.” He speaks in a high, cheerful tone and watches the makeup artist’s eyes widening. 

Soon, they all walk out of the bedroom whispering among each other how the fake bouquet costs almost a month’s pay and how the young groom must be out of his mind.  _ Guess we got it wrong. He wasn’t getting cold feet after all.  _ Adam walks to the window to look outside once he hears that. No reason to listen anymore. He proved it to them. He is happy. 

From now on, his life will be beautiful. 

* * *

“I never saw him here, sorry.-” The old woman shakes her head before Benny thrusts his phone in Michael’s hand with a frustrated sigh. This is already the seventh person they asked Zachariah’s name and showed Adam’s photo. Both of them are getting increasingly impatient and angry. Michael wishes he could punch someone. And he sees Benny isn’t in any better state. The other man is nice, probably way too kind too as Michael gathered in the last couple days he has known him. So to see Benny losing that shine in his small eyes makes his chest clench with something he hates to feel. Desperation. Hopelessness. “-Oh, but I know Miltons. Their house is at the end of the street. The three-story, grey house with the big garden. It’s a lot nicer than the rest. I’m sure you will see it. Though I can’t guarantee you will find Zachariah there. I heard him and Naomi got a divorce pretty recently. I didn’t know they had a nephew over either. Your young friend should have given the address better when he invited you. Evening, boys.” 

The woman walks into her house with a bright smile at the ‘handsome boys’ who helped with her grocery bags. Michael tilts his head down at the phone in his hand then looks at Benny. The other man nods once. And in the blink of an eye, both of them are hurrying back to the car. They have talked about this. They might need to make a hasty exit with the car if they convince Adam to come with them. 

Only when he has already strapped himself in the driver's seat and started the engine does Michael notice the photo of Adam smiling with a steaming cup raised in front of him on Benny’s phone was the wallpaper. He doesn’t know what to make of it. He doesn’t have the time to question this Benny’s true relationship with Adam too. Not now. Not before they safely get the younger man. So he focuses on the road in front of him. 

* * *

The photographer finishes with the last pose he planned beforehand. A young girl from the florist’s shop arrives with the new flowers Adam asked for and with that, they are completely ready to drive over to the church. 

In front of the car, Adam playfully holds out his palm and Zachariah drops the keys in it with a chuckle. So Adam drives in a comfortable speed, not too fast or slow. The wind feels nice. The soft music from the raido is uplifting. Zachariah almost drops the bouquet he is holding for Adam, he sees how the older man scrambles back on the passenger seat to catch it then they both laugh the rest of the way. 

Soon, they see cars of every color and shape lined up in front of the church. The guests are already here, another team of photographers are waiting to snap pictures as they get out of the car. Everyone outside starts clapping as Zachariah gets out first then opens the door for Adam before handing his flowers back. Adam hooks his own arm in Zachariah’s and faces all the people. 

His stomach drops and suddenly, he is nauseous. 

This is it. They will give a few poses here too, the guests will go inside and the ceremony will start. All in less than an hour from now. Adam will be a married man after this. He will have a family, a lover, a home, a future, a whole life. He wants it. He wants it so bad. And finally, he is everything he has been yearning for. So why-

_ Why does he feel like this? _

* * *

A red-haired woman of about twenty five or so opens the door. Michael knows something is wrong the moment he sees her. She looks them up and down and raises a questioning eyebrow. “We are looking for Zachariah Milton. We are Adam’s friends.” He says it as it is and instantly, the woman’s face darkens with outright anger. 

“That sly serpent has nothing to do with us. My father, the bastard he is, left us for him. They got their oh so glorious, new, fancy house. Didn’t your  _ friend _ tell you? Leave. Go look for him there.” Michael’s eyes widen. This woman is-

Zachariah’s daughter. 

Obviouly older than Adam. That- That old goat is- Does Adam even know about this woman and her mother? Did he ever see them? Was he there during the divorce process? Benny said-  _ It has been weeks, months, since Adam quitted his job. _ For Zachariah. A man of almost sixty. Married with an adult daughter older than Adam. Did he know? Was this an unpleasant surprise? Why did he accept- This family got torn apart too. All because of the decision Adam made while in an unstable state after- after- 

Michael remembers that night they fought. How Adam was only trying to help him. How Adam was shocked himself, almost broken, in pain for Michael. How Adam was trusting their friendship to tell him the truth he knew. How Michael didn’t believe him. And as if that wasn’t painful enough- He is also guilty in this case of this woman and her mother too, isn’t he? If he didn’t hurt Adam that bad back then, if only he controlled himself, if only…

The woman sharply tries to shut the door and Benny stops her. Michael realizes the other man has been trying to convince the young woman while he was in a daze in his thoughts. The woman threathens them with calling the police and Benny finally draws his hand back. He looks at Michael with a lost expression on his face. He too doesn’t know what they will do now. How will they-

“Anna go back inside. I will handle this.-” Another woman, one older with dyed hair and laugh lines on her face, appears from behind. At first the younger woman, Anna, struggles not to go but quickly gives up at the stern expression she gets. Once she is out of view, the other woman turns to them. “-That boy doesn’t know what he is throwing himself in. Zachariah is everything you should protect yourselves from in life. He is an abuser to the core. He will lure his prey in with sweet words and pretense of care. He will spoil them and act all in love with them. He will stop at nothing to obtain them. But once he does, he will want to own them. He will turn violent. He will cheat on them. He will hurt them. He will trap them. Only once, I gathered enough courage to try to get a divorce. He didn’t let me. He made me regret it in every way possible. So when he found that Adam and sent me the divorce papers, I as relieved. I accepted all of his terms and severed the ties. Anna was in college. I made sure she didn’t know the worst of what her father did to me throughout her life. But now… I wanted to help that boy too. I was too scared to get anywhere close to Zachariah after the divorce. Now, at least this much is what I have to do. I got this from a mutual friend. Go save him. Hurry, both of you.” 

Right in front of his eyes, the woman hands Benny a fairly sized card. Michael knows what it is. Once, he and Dean were picking out a design for themselves. A wedding invitation. Benny furrows his brows and turns his eyes at Michael. There is fear in the blue orbs. “It’s today. In- In an hour.” Michael’s heart sinks. 

Without even properly thanking the woman, they run to the car. 

* * *

It is starting. Adam is outside the double doors. He can hear people chattering on the other side. The priest already entered. Zachariah is there too. He must have taken his place at the altar by now. Like everyone else, he too is waiting for Adam. And Adam is right here, ready for the music to start playing any time now. The doors will open and he will walk all on his own because he has no one to give him off. All the guests will turn and look at him with awe. He knows they will. He knows how good he looks, it was a must with his previous job anyway. Adam is used to having eyes on him. He won’t stumble or trip or make any other mistake. He will be out there with a small smile, graceful as a swan and Zachariah will be waiting for him with shining eyes. Then they will say their vows. They have been practising for days. everything will go smoothly. It will be perfect. He will be married in no more than a few minutes. 

He will be happy. 

As he wanted. 

Though-

_ Does he want it with Zachariah?  _

Right where he stands, Adam thinks over everything that has happened in the last few weeks. How fast it all has been. How he couldn’t ever seem to catch up. How he made major changes in his life in a matter of days. How he let someone close for the first time in years. How everyone he knows were so against it. Just this morning in the bedroom- 

No. 

This isn’t right. Adam doesn’t feel that way. He is just stressed. He is- The preparations have been hard in this short of a period. There was the problems that were haunting him too. He was trying to live through a trauma. He is just tired. He is about to found a new life for himself. He wants this. He wants to live like, to be loved like, a person. He wants to save himself. He wants to love someone. He wants a family. He wants pets. He wants kids. He wants a home. He wants peace. He is about to get it all. Now, he can’t let anything confuse him. He is in his suit in the church. His future is waiting just on the other side of these doors. 

And as if on cue, the music starts. The doors give way in two seconds. With a deep breath, Adam starts to walk. 

All the eyes are on him. The photographers are snapping pictures from every possible angle. The priest is waiting. The guests are watching. Zachariah is there, clearly impatient.  _ For Adam. _ This man can’t wait to hold his hands. Adam walks a little faster. He focuses on his breathing and his steps. His heart is beating fast. His chest is so tight he almost can’t breathe. This is it. His happiness. He is so close now. Three more steps and he will be met with his new family. 

A step before he reaches Zachariah, the doors burst open with loud bang. 

Adam turns to look at the intruder with everyone else.  _ The intruders. _

Benny. 

_ Michael. _

How? Why? Adam knows he didn’t invite Benny and- How did the two even meet? Where did they find each other? Why? Why are they together? Why are they _ here _ ? Adam notices Michael is shouting. 

“-away from him! Don’t do it to yourself! Adam, please come here. Let’s talk. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you. Let me fix it. You aren’t- I never saw you as less than what you are. I never wanted to- You were right. I saw it with my own two eyes. Please, Adam. Give me a chance. Don’t do this.”

Michael saw what? Adam doesn’t understand for a second. Then it dawns on him. Dean. Michael saw Dean. Michael knows now. Michael is here to apologize. Michael found him, came here, interrupted a wedding to-  _ A wedding. His wedding.  _

God. 

What the hell is he even doing? 

What is he doing in a church with a white suit and flowers? What is he doing with a man almost three times his age? What is he doing getting married at twenty? What is he doing with an ex-client who obviously wants to make him his personal toy? Why are the thoughts and questions pouring out now? How could he never see this before? How could he lie to himself so much? And for what? 

He remembers that night he left Michael’s flat with tears. He remembers the disappointment and the feeling of betrayal. Yet Michael is here now. He believes Adam now. He fianlly knows the truth. He is apologizing now. Michael is… here. 

Without knowing how, Adam is walking to Michael. In the background, the guests are still gasping and some are snapping photos. Of course. There are reporters here too. Everyone is watching. Adam is still going to Michael. They both can’t talk any words. Not now. Not with their gazes locked like this. 

Suddenly, Adam is being pulled back. 

“The hell do you think you are doing you slut!? You’re marrying me! Right here, right now! Where is security!? Did you think you could just walk away? Did you think your boyfriend can kidnap you? No! You are mine! Did you hear!?  _ I own you, you whore! _ ” Zachariah shouts and shouts. Adam can’t do anything but to look at the man’s face and try to process the words. 

All this time- He too... Zachariah was disguising himself. To pull Adam in and to never let him escape.  _ He is trapping you, Adam. That man is over fifty. You are twenty yet. It’s not gonna work out, brother. Even if you were in love which you aren’t, it wouldn’t be good. The man wants to shoo the wife away and immediately tie you to himself before you get away.  _ How right Benny was that day. This man is sshowing his true colors now. He is pulling Adam by the arm and shouting at him with an almost monstrous roar. Benny was right. Kevin was right. Crowley was right. Even that nameless makeup artist from this morning was right. This man is-

_ disgusting. _

How could Adam not see it before? 

Why can’t he do anything now? Why aren’t his limbs moving? Why-

Zachariah’s hand raises and swiftly moves towards Adam’s face.

The slap never lands. 

Adam notices he screwed his eyes shut and opens them to see Zachariah struggling to free his wrist from the strong fingers pinning his hand in the air. 

Michael caught him. 

Michael is-

The last thing Adam sees before he is hastily dragged out of the hall is Benny holding Zachariah back and all the guests loudly gasping and shouting things at them. He runs alongside Michael. 

Between them, their hands are still clasped. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A rather dramatic ending but... Hope you liked it.


	10. Chapter 10

In the car, Adam leans back on the passenger seat breathing heavily. Michael speeds off immediately. For minutes, they both stay silent. Michael is panting equally hard as he drives, probably breaking all the speed limits but neither of them care. Adam’s head is spinning with the thoughts still rushing in his mind and his heart racing wildly. He tries to focus on just inhaling and exhaling slowly to calm himself down a bit. 

What just happened?

The mental question brings a flood of new thoughts, images and memories to him. He remembers the last two months or so and even he can’t believe it himself. Did he really quit his work of two years at a whim, after a fight of which he lived through everyday? Did he really brush off Crowley, Kevin, Benny and everyone else who tried to warn him? Did he really move in with Zachariah, watch idly as he divorced his wife, accept his proposal and even go to the ceremony to actually go through with it? Was he really going to become Zachariah’s husband? What was he thinking? Did he really believe those manipulative whispers in his ears and the promises Zachariah kept reciting as if telling a bedtime story to a toddler? Did he believe he could have a life married to a man like that? How? 

_ Never once have I judged you for what you had to do to survive, brother. But this time, I think you are doing this purposefully. You are tormenting yourself. You have spent your life being bent. Now you are trying to break yourself just so you can finally be allowed to give up fighting.  _ Was Benny actually right when he said all that? Was Adam really dragging himself into a situation like that in his suffering? Was he really… self-destructive? 

Even the thought makes him tremble all over. He looks down at himself and realizes that somehow the flowers stayed in his hand after their great escape from the church. He takes a deep breath and presses on the button to roll down the window before throwing the bouquet out. The air washes over his face, messing his perfectly styled hair. Honestly, it relieves Adam more than it probably should. So when he leans back again, he lets the window stay open and doesn’t care at all as his hair slowly turns into a messy, knotty pile on his head and his suit gets wrinkled from the leather seat he presses himself to. Right now, he wants nothing more than to get this ridiculous attire off himself. The only thing he can do is to loosen the tie with shaking fingers as the adrenalin in his system finally starts to run out and the panic catches up.

“Michael! You came to get- You-” _ The slap never lands. Adam notices he screwed his eyes shut and opens them to see Zachariah struggling to free his wrist from the strong fingers pinning his hand in the air. Michael caught him.  _ “-You touched him.” 

Adam is wide eyed and almost breathless with the excitement from the moment. Michael’s fingers squeeze the wheel for a second than the older man relaxes again. “Honestly, I don’t know how I did that myself. Are you okay, Adam?” The car slows down having made it to the familiar streets of the neighbourhood Michael lives in. The green eyes looking at Adam are tender and filled with concern.  _ Not pity. Concern. _ And that on it’s own is foreign. No one else ever looked at him like that. They were either genuinely pitying Adam or plotting to manipulate and use him somehow. Of course there was Benny but the man never let Adam see this look on his face fearing Adam would confuse his affection and concern for pity and react ferally. Now that Adam thinks, he would. So it’s a total first that he is able to recognize what he sees reflecting in the seafoam green he is searching.

“I- I am okay, I guess. I just- Things are happening all around and fast. And I can’t- I don’t think I understand anything right now. I feel like I have been run over by a truck. That’s probably the adrenaline rush coming down but my head is heavy too. Michael I- The last time I saw you- Then you came.  _ You came. _ How? And Benny… We left Benny there.” The last part comes to him at an instant and his heart leaps with something akin to fear for a second. He doesn’t even know why he is afraid. Sure Zachariah is an influential and rich businessman but what can he do to Benny? Sure they interrupted his wedding and technically left with the groom but- But Adam shouldn’t think about those things. Not now at least. 

“Don’t worry, Adam. Benny knows the address. He will come to my flat after us. I am taking you there by the way. It’s okay right? We can talk once we get there. You can rest a bit, gather yourself and then we will see what we will do afterwards.” Adam nods a second after Michael finishes. What else can he do now anyway? Where else can he go? He moved out of his own flat. His things are at Zachariah’s. Hell, he only has his cellphone and wallet in his pocket and the clothes on his back which he wants to be rid of as soon as possible. He doesn’t feel like forcing himself on the streets like this and finding a hotel or a room to spend a few nights. He is probably- God he really lost everything he has. 

Once again, he has nothing. Or rather he is nothing. He- 

He realizes what Michael said.  _ We. _ Him, Adam and Benny. 

After everything, despite everything, he still feels lighter now.

* * *

Once they make it to Michael’s flat, Adam immediately throws himself on the familiar sofa and removes the white jacket along with the tie. When he leans against the cushions, he finds he is aching everywhere except his feet. The best thing he did today was gonig with the converse shoes after all. Michael comes with a big glass of water and two mugs of coffee on a tray. Adam only notices how dry his throat and lips are as he gulps down the water. 

They are both awkwardly silent for a small while. Adam takes the time to look around the flat and sees all the framed pictures with Dean in them are gone. Also the grey paint on one spot of the wall is cracked rather badly with a few pieces fallen to show the previous coat of white underneath. Michael follows his gaze and sighs. “I was very angry when I found out. And let me tell you the process of ‘finding out’ wasn’t pretty itself. I went to his house, used my own key and caught them in the bedroom. I… was a mess for a long while.-” Adam snaps his head so fast to face Michael that he almost gives himself a whiplash. Michael saw  _ them? _ Dean and- “-He was my doctor, Adam. My doctor of all people. And you know what his apology was? He said they dated back in highschool before me and when we started to drift apart- Hell, Dean probably saw him when he accompanied me to a few sessions in the first months. So since then…” Michael trails off with a tired exhale at the end. Adam simply blinks at him not knowing what to say at all. 

“I- Dean is… I am their half brother. Our father was married to Sam and Dean’s mother when he had…  _ an affair _ which got, well, me here. His wife forgave him for what he did. He was quickly back in his home with his family and life. We were, mom and me, alone. When he found out about me, I was already twelve. Then-” He doesn’t even know why he is telling these things to Michael. Why did he even start from the very beginning of his pathetic story? Still, Michael is listening intently with his eyes fixed on Adam’s so he thinks he should finish what he started at least. “-mom passed away before I got into highschool. So I went to some kind of boarding school where I lived at ten months a year. In the summers, I would go to my aunt’s and work at their diner. My father sent me money regularly and saw me a few times when he got away from home but that was it. I didn’t really have a father. I had no one. Absolutely none after he died when I was eighteen. Officially, I wasn’t even his son. I got nothing left to me from his will. I was at college, and broke. I was about to fall to the streets when- when I met Crowley through a friend. That’s how I started there. Sam for himself tried to help me a few times but he too was a college kid then so he could never do anything other than meeting me for coffee if he could convince me, texting me occasionally and inviting me to family christmas or something. As if I could go. On the other hand, Dean hated me because I was the proof that his happy family wasn’t so happy. His father cheated on his mother who he loves more than anything. I was- I was a forgotten child no one wanted. I had to find some way to look after myself. I had to become a doctor. It was my dream because my mom was a nurse. I- Anyway that’s it. I spent two years working at that agency before I quitted.”

This time, Michael is the one staying silent. Adam doesn’t really mind even though he wonders what Michael is thinking about him now. “I immediately found myself another doctor and a therapist. Jo, my new therapist, told me to find you and apologize because she knew I was feeling guilty over the fight we had. I didn’t even tell her everything but I knew she was right the instant she started to talk. I was confused at first. I didn’t have your number, address, nothing. So I went to the agency. They didn’t even let me in. I learned I was blacklisted. That was the one place I could find you but I wasn’t allowed in. I… didn’t give up. I went to that street for days afterwards. I was waiting for you to come to the agency or leave for something. I was hoping I could see you there because our sessions were five days a week and I was guessing you would need to drop by there for something at some point if your working hours were still the same. For days, I waited in the car just watching the people. I was about to lose hope when Benny found me. I think he too went to the agency to look for you and one of your friends there pointed out my car for him and gave him my name when they noticed I was there every day. Benny said you told him about me then- Well, that was yesterday. He said you were getting married to some old pervert because you were having a rough time and he used that to get in your head. I- Adam I was afraid. We went to see this Crowley together and literally begged him for an address we could find you. He gave us one when a friend of yours there backed us up. This morning, we saw the house was empty. Benny remembered a second address Crowley didn’t deem necessary to write down. When we went to that other house, we saw two women there. This man’s ex-wife and daughter lived there apparently. The lady told us about how her ex-husband was abusive. She too was a victim so she gave us the wedding invitation she somehow got and told us to stop the ceremony before it was too late. Benny and I rushed there and you saw our grand entrance at the end.”

So they are trading stories now. Well, Adam can do that. It’s better than being asked lots of questions at once. Part of him says it’s better for Michael too and as someone getting psychological treatment, the older man learned a few things not to hurt them having this talk. What surprises him isn’t that but the part about Benny and Michael meeting, teaming up and doing all that just to help him. About Benny, Adam expected for him to try something drastic along these lines to stop him. He has been waiting to be stopped by Benny for a long time now, he knows deep down. Ever since they had that first talk when Adam broke it to the man that he was quitting the agency to found a family and actually wanted Benny to not allow him to leave like that. Benny is-

Benny lost his wife Andrea years ago. For two years, Adam listened to all the tales of the woman, saw the pictures Benny still kept and ate at the diner they founded together when they first got married. He knows so much about the late woman that he feels as if he was friends with Andrea herself as he is with Benny. The older man has so much pain in him about her. He is done grieving but part of him still loves Andrea a lot. When they first met, when Adam was just eighteen and in his first weeks as an escort, Benny took one look at him and decided he was going to be all caring and protective with the young man in front of him. He immediately understood Adam had lived through a lot by that point and he was trying his best with life. Just like that, Benny became Adam’s first regular client. He had hired from  _ Juliet&Angels _ before but never saw the same escort twice. They had immediately found a connection. Benny was the friend, even family, Adam lacked and Adam was the supporter Benny needed to finally move on. To anyone else, this is plain unhealthy seeing as how Adam was getting paid for everything he did there and how the two of them comforted each other in both emotional and physical ways. Sometimes, they would almost pretend they were a real thing, more than friends to be more precise. Adam knows it wasn’t professional too but he could never help himself.

In the two years, they slowly learned every bit about one another. They had disagreements but never fights where they hurt each other in any way. They had good days where they celebrated Benny opening a second diner, Adam passing his most important class with an A, their birthdays and every other silly thing they could think of. They had bad days where one of them was in bad shape like when Adam was slapped by a client and threatened the first time, the anniversary of Andrea’s death, the anniversary of Adam’s mom’s death and what else they got to be sad for. They had idle days when they saw each other off the clock to simply hang out doing nothing in particular. They had busy days when Adam was helping Benny move to a new place or when Benny agreed to be the subject of an interview Adam had to do for a psychology class as the final project. They had the little moments to bring them close. 

When Adam woke up alone in bed and saw Benny sitting at the kitchen table with a framed picture of him and Andrea on their wedding day, it crashed on him. He wasn’t surprised. He should have been but- What he did was quickly going back to bed and getting under the covers again to pretend he never witnessed that private moment. If Benny saw him, he never said anything. And as time passed, Adam became sure that Benny thought he didn’t know. But he does. Benny has… feelings. For Adam. At some point, Adam was afraid he too would turn out demanding things Adam couldn’t give and he would have to leave Benny for good but the older man is something else. He never pushed anything on Adam, always asked for consent, always put Adam’s wellbeing first, always supported him, was always tender. And they never ‘made it weird’ like they agreed from the start. What they had was something to enjoy and cherish but it wasn’t binding them. They were both in need of something like that, someone like one another. That was it. It probably wouldn’t be deemed right by people but it felt right. It did them good, so it was good. 

Now, Adam really isn’t surprised to hear Benny who has loved him for quite some time would do all that. He is thinking more about Michael. “I don’t see my brothers. Just, they found a box with my name among our father’s stuff in the attic. Sam asked me to go to their house and get it. I was waiting in the car for him to bring it out when I saw Dean and- and your doctor. They kissed. I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t move, couldn’t think. I was already in shock since I learned your mysterious fiancé was Dean. I was debating whether to tell you but I was afraid of Dean trying to mess with my life. So when Sam brought me that box, I immediately left and tried to come up with something to do. In the end, I had no choice but to tell you.” Michael tilts his eyes down for a second. Adam can see regret written over his face. And it’s so unbelievable that he almost wants to ask. He is used to people hurting him, intentionally or not but not them feeling remorse over it. This is… new. 

“After we talked, I went back to the agency to drop Juliet off. That was a regular thing. Crowley was usually very busy and we took Juliet to walks between ourselves. When we made it, both of us were… unsightly. Juliet was sensing my sadness and growling at anyone trying to protect me. I was- Well, I was crying a little. I fell down and cut my cheek too so I am sure I was truly pitiful. They- Crowley asked what happened, why I didn’t call security on you and whether he should blacklist you. I told him why I was feeling bad and made sure he knew you didn’t really hurt me physically. After that, I prepared to go to my next client. I was going to stay with Zachariah all night. I had seen him once before. I knew what he liked and what he wanted. Honestly, I was trying to forget the fight we had. I was feeling humiliated and I wanted to- I wanted to prove it wrong. I wanted to feel wanted, loved, beautiful. I- Zachariah was infatuated with me from the first moment he laid his eyes on me. Actually, I knew he was- I knew he would be one of those clients who turn violent when they can’t get what they want but… Michael, he was so convincing. I was vulnerable. He was whispering in my ears, holding me close, being all gentle and almost worshipping. I felt- I thought I felt good with him because he looked at me with awe and he wanted me. He wanted everything that I was. I broke the rules too. I drank with him and obviously let myself be fooled. That night, he asked me to quit the agency and become his.”

Adam laughs, more like chuckles bitterly, at his own tale. Michael takes a slow breath to calm his nerves. Yet the older man still doesn’t say anything knowing Adam’s tale isn’t over yet. Adam glances at the white suit jacket and tie he carelessly dropped on the rug. He continues as Michael’s gaze follows his to the garments. “Funny really, that was exactly what everyone warned me against. Crowley asked me if I was really going to become an old bastard’s kept man. He said I could give him a call when I changed my mind. Benny said I was purposefully tormenting myself because I was tired of everything and needed just a bit more to be able to end myself. Kevin and everyone else from the agency tried to stop me with words, hugs, everything they could do. I didn’t listen to anyone. Zachariah got in my mind so easily. I was letting him do whatever and lying myself. I thought I would be a normal person with a family, a home and a respectable job soon. I was never going to be looked down on again. I was going to be happy. I wanted all that, I did but not with Zachariah. That was what I couldn’t see. I thought it didn’t matter. He got divorced so fast. We applied for a licence immediately and before I knew it, I was at that church. I tried so hard, Michael. Whenever I got doubts, questions, I silenced myself. I wanted someone to love me. I thought Zachariah did and no one else would like he did. I- I was trapped. I helped him trap me. I can’t thank you and Benny enough for what you did there. You were just on time. I see everything clearly now.”

Michael takes another deep breath and awkwardly clears his throat. “I am sorry, Adam. I reacted violently when you were only trying to help me. I said things I shouldn’t have said. I am not proud of what I did there. I realize how much pain I caused you. Maybe all this built up in you and I threw you off the top. Because of me, you nearly got yourself in something horrible. I apologize. I know it doesn’t mean much but I promise I will help you fix this situation. I will repent if you let me. I- I want to be by your side with everything you will face now. I- You are not worthless. You are not an object. You are bright, witty, talented, brave and really nice. You are a good person. You helped me so much when I needed it the most. You tried to warn me against the biggest betrayal of my life. What I did in return was plain wrong. Please try to forgive me. I want to be your friend again.” 

To say that Adam is stunned at what he hears is a mere understatement. He opens his mouth in a silent gasp and almost drops the half empty coffee mug in his hand. “Michael… I was- I think I was never truly angry with you. I- Thank you. That means much, it does. I want to be your friend too.” He doesn’t even know how he managed to blurt that out in his state. Michael looks almost as shocked as him but not in a bad way. They simply look at ach other’s faces soon with mirroring grins. 

The doorbell is what interrupts them. 

“That would be Benny.” Michael rises on his feet and goes to get the door as Adam decides to carry the empty mugs and glass to the kitchen sink. 

* * *

That evening, Adam stays at Michael’s even though Benny invites him over to his own place. He doesn’t really know why he chose that but he feels they might still have some things to talk about between the two of them. As always, Benny quickly gets the message and changes the topic. Adam has his car keys, debit cards to his accounts and his phone with all his contacts. Tonight, he will rest. Tomorrow, he will go see if he can rent his old flat back or find a similar place. He will shop for some clothes and his most necessary books. He never wants to see Zachariah again so he is leaving all his stuff. That’s an easy decision to make. He can put everything he buys in his car if he can’t immediately get a new place. A chunk of his savings will go to all that but at least he isn’t desperate like he was two years ago without a dollar to his name. It could take up to a week or two to find a flat if he has to hunt for a new one so he might go to Benny’s tomorrow then get himself a room somewhere. A few days shouldn’t cost all that much, he knows. Hotels are something he learned about with the countless clients who took him to one in the two years he worked as an escort. It should be simple enough. He will focus on school for some time even if it makes him lose savings not working. He will think up about jobs later once he is all better. 

Benny leaves promising Adam to come over at once if he so much gives a call or texts. Adam returns the smile he gets then closes the front door after him. 

* * *

“I guess these will be a little big on you but they should fit. Tomorrow you can borrow some jeans and change in the store once we get you a few new stuff.” Adam nods and thanks Michael as the older man leaves a pair of sweatpants and an old band t-shirt on the bed with a towel for him. The flat has one bedroom, another one turned into a study and two bathrooms. Unfortunately, the one joined to Michael’s bedroom has the shower so Adam has to awkwardly try not to look at any personal item all the while Michael rummages his closet for something to lend Adam then goes to get him a pair of warm slippers afterwards.

Once he closes the door after himself, he finds a new toothbrush with the packaging and all on the sink along with an unopened disposable razor and a new bath scrub with the price tag still on. He sighs to himself and gets under the water immediately. For a few minutes, he does nothing but to stand under the stream and think. He was going to get married today. He probably would be in bed with a sixty-years-old man right now. Sure it is nothing he never did before. He had lots of ‘mature’ clients in the past. But now, even thinking about Zachariah touching him makes him want to vomit. 

As the hot water almost burns him, Adam scrubs his skin hard trying to get everything left from that house and that man off himself. He stays rather long in the bathroom doing just that. Physically and mentally cleaning up as best as he can. 

It’s probably more than an hour later when he steps out to the bedroom with the towel around his waist and goes to the clothes on the bed. He notices that the sheets have been changed while he was taking his shower and can’t give a meaning to it. As he runs a hand over the freshly washed fabric, the door opens behind him. “I- Sorry, Adam.” He turns around to face Michael who was about to retreat with the newly filled bedside jug and something small that resembles a bottle of painkillers in his hands. 

“It’s no problem. Michael, what’s all this?” He asks, gesturing to the big bed behind him. The other man looks confused at that. He tilts his eyes down to the items he holds and pointedly avoids looking at Adam as he answers. 

“It’s the only bedroom in the house. I can’t let you sleep on the couch on top of everything. It will be a busy day for you tomorrow. You need a good night’s rest, Adam.”  _ What? _ Michael is giving his room to Adam? That one fact bothers Adam more than it should. Yet before he can say anything else, Michael quickly places the jug and the pills on the dresser next to the door and leaves in a hurry. 

Only when the older man disappears from his sight does Adam realize he is still in the towel with stray droplets of water sliding down his neck, chest and legs. Weird, he is used to being nakes in front of other people. Hell knows how many men saw him like this before. Time taught him not to get affected by that. So why does he feel hot on the face now? 

* * *

When it’s finally bedtime, Adam doesn’t let Michael leave with the blanket and pillow he got from his wardrobe in the bedroom. “It’s a queen size, Michael. You’re not letting me take the couch and neither am I now. Come on, we are both adults. We can put pillows between us. I won’t touch you. It will be okay. You held my hand for minutes today.” 

Michael shakes his head quickly and makes another move to walk past Adam. “I really can’t. I know it’s a big bed but- Look the couch is fine for me. I am used to spending the night there anyway. I work on case files until late hours and fall asleep there at least once a week. It’s really alright.”

Adam has none of it. “It’s not alright. That couch is narrow. You have a session with your therapist tomorrow. It will be busy and tiring for you too. An aching back won’t help you Michael.-” He explains and manages to pry the pillow from the other man’s arms. “-Look, if you feel even slightly anxious, I will let you go to the couch. But let’s try. Three people can comfortably fit on there. Maybe there’s no need for you to suffer on the couch in vain, huh?” 

After that, Michael doesn’t say much else to object. As promised, Adam puts two pillows between them and they use separate sheets. Before long, he feels himself starting to drift off. And Michael doesn’t really seem like he is on the verge of a panic attack so it’s good he guesses. There is a huge gap between them and no possibility to touch each other through the pillows anyway.

* * *

When the morning sun shines down on his face, Adam turns on his side and snuggles the comforter around his shoulders. He is too warm, too comfortable. He almost doesn’t want to get up with nothing bothering him. Except-

He hears that noise again. Is someone shouting? 

“-on the newspapers! You bastard! What was he thinking!? What were you thinking!?” Instantly Adam bolts awake and gets out of the bed. The door of the bedroom is wide open. Through there, Adam can see Michael trying to shush the other man out there. With sleep replaced by adrenaline, Adam runs out and sees-

Dean.

“Okay, I made a mistake! That doesn’t give you the right to involve  _ him _ ! You can’t go get in bed with my brother just to get back at me! Adam, get away from him now!-” Dean takes a large step to take a hold of Adam’s arm but Michael gets in between them. “-I can’t believe you Michael!  _ I can’t!  _ What happened to your phobia!? Were you pretending!? Adam- You have no idea. He did this to spite me! We will go together. We will talk about that wedding and sort it out, okay? I’m getting you out of-”

“ _ Enough. _ -” Michael says the word in such a harsh and threatening voice that even Adam feels a shudder go down his spine. “-Not everything is about you, Dean. I am not some stalker who found your brother, of whom you never told me about by the way, and used him to hurt you. You are nothing to me now. Adam and I have nothing to do with you.  _ The world doesn’t go around you! _ Leave my house this instant.”

As the two men fight each other, Adam backs away to the wall and watches everything with wide eyes. His breath was knocked out of him the moment Dean mentioned-

Wedding.

Newspaper.

Adam can’t breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And once again, conflict. Hold on tight for the next chapters!


	11. Chapter 11

Adam finds himself sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and his head between his hands. Only a few feet away from him, he can see today’s issue of the local paper strewn on the carpet. A hesitant glance has him involuntarily reading the headline on the page.  _ Businessman Left At The Altar.  _ He shudders when he notices the large picture underneath is clearly him in his suit running with Michael as Benny was holding Zachariah back.  _ The Young Groom Now Renegade. _ The other title is even worse than the large bold letters above it. If only ground opened under him and swallowed him whole now…

Dean saw the news. If he who never picks up anything with words to read on it saw that, everyone else must have too. Trying to swallow the knot in his throat, Adam thinks of his friends and professors at college. Sam, Crowley, everyone else from the agency, the doctors he was trading emails with for internship…  _ Everyone. _ The whole city knows Adam’s face by now. They all know Zachariah’s leasing company. They all know Adam is the young man who- Hell, people will think Adam was a fortune hunter. They will think he had this secret boyfriend. They will think this even could be a ploy to spread mud on Zachariah’s name. This will be on the internet too. Even- Even TV. How will Adam go to school now? How is he supposed to find a job? Who will rent him a flat? How will he deal with the loads of questions? How will he deal with whatever Zachariah will do in anger? How will he deal with whatever bullshit Dean will pull? 

It will all happen, won’t it? 

Dean won’t stop here with what he did just now. Sam will try to reach out to him too. Everyone he knows will be talking about him, calling him, texting him, asking him things… They will all be on Adam. And- And he can’t. He just can’t do it. Even right now, he is falling apart, crying on his own. Michael is still trying to throw Dean out. Dean is still shouting. Adam lowers his head further and covers his ears. He lets the sobs shake him. 

When it’s over, when the noise ceases, Adam pulls his knees to his chest and hides his face on them with his arms wrapped around himself. A minute passes in silence. Then Adam hears Michael plopping down next to him with a huff. “Adam-” Michael stops to sigh again. “-it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I- I am here. You just focus on letting it all out. I will be right here with you. I will talk to you. Right now, you need this. Afterwards, we will stand up together and think about what we are going to do to fix everything. It will be alright.”

True to his promise, Michael keeps quiet chatter up as Adam cries with his sobs getting weaker and weaker each passing minute. In the end, his tears are dry and he is no longer shaking. But he feels as if he has been beaten by three men. His eyes are burning, his head is pounding and his limbs are heavy with his muscles aching all over. Quietly, Michael stands up then returns with a glass of water half a minute later. Adam drinks slowly, holding the large glass with both hands. Without saying anything, Michael picks the newspaper up and disposes of it quickly. Adam watches his movements and tries to keep his breaths even to avoid another fit of tears. The thoughts of what happened makes him gradually realize exactly how desperate he is now. His mind doesn’t even work to start looking for something to do. He can only think of one thing. 

Benny. 

* * *

As soon as Adam says Benny’s name with his hoarse, shaking voice, Benny assures him through the call that he is on his way. Barely half an hour goes by before there’s strong knocks on the door and Adam is being hugged to a strong chest. He hugs back letting Benny comfortingly rub his back in circles and press his lips on his hairline. They stand just like that for two minutes. When they do break apart, Adam’s eyes meet Michael’s who had been watching them from the kitchen door. Michael nods at Benny in greeting before they all go to the living room to sit and talk. 

“Dean was here, Benny. He was- He knows everything. That- It’s on the paper. Dean came here shouting and blaming Michael and asking questions. I- I feel like shit.” Adam says as soon as he sits next to Benny on the sofa and Michael takes place on the armchair in the corner. Without saying anything, Benny pulls him to let Adam rest his head on his shoulder. 

“I saw the news too. Don’t worry, Adam. This will pass. It will fade soon. You just try to stay to yourself for now. Don’t answer phone calls or texts. Don’t go to school. You could stay at my place too. It’s bigger than here. We could get you settled in that guest bedroom. You could just rest for a while. Don’t worry about anything at all. It will all be okay.” 

* * *

Michael sighs to himself as he loads the dishes in the dishwashers. It was the first excuse he could come up with to run away from the living room and give Adam and Benny some time to talk privately. He needs the space to collect his own thoughts anyway. After this morning and the sudden uninvited guest they had… How could he forget Dean still had a key? Why didn’t he change the lock the first thing that day? If he had, this wouldn’t have happened. 

Of course. Of course Sam and Dean saw the paper. Of course Dean looked at the picture, saw his ex kidnapping his brother, who he didn’t even know was getting married, from his own wedding then looked a little more carefully to see the other groom’s wrinkled face and balding head. Thus, the Winchester heroism in him awakened even for the half brother he must have hated enough to keep secret from his fiancé for all those years. This kid was about to marry a man older than their father just to be led away by his oldest brother’s ex-fiancé who shouldn’t have even known about him in the first place. And that could mean one thing. Michael was so angry at what Dean did that he wanted revenge, somehow learned about Adam’s existence and went after him because well, Sam was like a brother to him too and he could never try to date him even to make Dean suffer. So Dean, the star of the show, had to come barging in here early in the morning, search all the rooms to see his little brother sleeping on the same bed with his ex then having confirmed his theory, save Adam from the second predator he fell into the grasp of. He would take Adam home, ask all sorts of questions about Zachariah and Michael, shout, break things, give the kid the family speech then do absolutely nothing other than to pick fights while Sam dealt with their brother’s trauma. At the end of the day, he would have been noble going as far as caring for Adam like that. 

Why is Michael even surprised? This is exactly the Winchester logic he knows. The one which made Dean out to be right and noble and heroic for going behind Michael’s back with his real love to spare him from further trauma and causing regressions in his process dealing with his phobia. Dean was right because he had only wanted to protect Michael back then. Now too, today Dean was right because he was here to save his brother. 

What absolute bullshit. As if he wasn’t one of the reasons why Adam was in that situation. As if he has any right to come here still. As if he has any right to meddle with their lives. As if Adam wanted his help. As if Michael would actually do something like that. As if they never knew each other. As if they never loved each other. As if what they had until a few months ago wasn’t ever real. 

But then again, maybe it wasn’t. 

Why else would Dean turn to Castiel the second he had the chance? Why else would he do something so atrocious to Michael if he loved him even a little at one point? 

Still, it’s so hard to believe now. Michael remembers the childhood they spent playing together. He remembers all the evenings the two of them cooked together for their brothers. He remembers their first date. He remembers their college years when they would go everywhere, do everything together. How happy they were all that time. How much they wanted to be with each other. How they dreamt of their future hand in hand. How they were each other’s family since they were young enough to be learning to count still. Were all of those no more than lies? 

He doesn’t want to think so. Then he remembers Dean this morning. How he had the face to come to his house. How he had the audacity to blame him for hurting his brother. As if he actually loves Adam. As if Michael could knowingly and willingly hurt Adam. 

And Adam- Well, he could be better for certain. Still, Michael tries to think he could also be worse and be thankful. He really needs to be thankful for Benny once again coming to the rescue. It’s obvious how much he and Adam value each other. Even a blind man would see how Benny gets on a new level of tender with Adam and how Adam bathes in the attention like a kitten. They know each other well. They love each other. As what, of that Michael isn’t sure. He remembers everything Benny did to find him and get Adam back. He remembers that picture of Adam he saw on Benny’s phone set as the wallpaper. He remembers Adam rising from the carpet with a hand on the wall to steady himself and immediately fishing out his phone to call Benny. He remembers the strong knocks that would break down the door if they didn’t open it a minute more. He remembers that hug he saw. Watching that-

Watching Benny holding Adam tightly with a discreet kiss on the forehead, no doubt kept that way because of Michael’s own presence there, made him feel- He felt  _ loss _ . Raw, bitter loss right where his heart beats in his chest. And only with excruciating efforts within was he able to hold himself together at that moment. He remembered his life. The one he had more than four years ago. He was happy back then. He was out of college. He was planning his future with his family. He had his friends. He had Dean. He had his brothers. All his brothers. Lucifer was still alive back then. Dean was still in love with Michael back then. The two of them were holding each other just like that scene in front of Michael back then. He was- He still could touch people back then. He wasn’t afraid of the warmth of the hand of somebody he loved. Back then, he had everything. He was the happiest man on earth. There were people to embrace him tightly and kiss his forehead if he ever had a bad day. Yet… Michael lost all of that. 

Now, as he stands with his hands braced on the counter, alone as always, he feels this tightness in his abdomen with something akin to fear. What is he afraid of? What scares him? He can’t be sure. He used to have something to terrify him. He had a goal. He had dreams. He had someone he wanted to be with again. He was afraid of not being on time. He was afraid of not healing. That happened anyway. Michael was late indeed. He lost Dean. Now he doesn’t have a reason to rush anything. He will get over his phobia, give himself time, go at his own pace. He has nothing to be afraid of. 

However, he thinks of Adam, the only friend he made while fighting his condition. He takes a deep breath, tries to picture how Adam must look now with his head on Benny’s shoulder and Benny’s arm around his waist as the older man whispers comforting words to him. He thinks and feels a pang at his heart. He still doesn’t find what scares him. Only, he realizes how much he wants Adam to be better. 

Adam is young, so young with dreams and hopes of his own. This young man suffered so much yet he was still trying. He was battling this universe to keep his head above water. He was trying to survive. And he got so many wounds. He got trashed around, beaten, hit and hurt so bad. He doesn’t deserve that. Not at all. Suddenly, Michael thinks of the first few days he spent with Adam. He remembers the huge grin that would light up his whole face, the smile that would reach his light blue eyes… He remembers Adam’s cheerful voice talking to him, relaxing him, almost singing to him. He remembers how their friendship started. He feels a new wave of guilt for the only fight the two of them ever had and he understands how much he wants Adam to make it out of this. He wants Adam to be happy. He will do whatever’s necessary for that. He will stand next to Adam with all his choices. He knows he can trust Benny too. The other man is closer to Adam anyway. Michael will do all that’s in his hands to help those two.

* * *

Adam leaves with Benny. Staying there is more logical right now. No one he knows will think to look for him there except for Crowley maybe who doesn’t even really know exactly how close Adam is to the man. There is a room he can have all to himself. There is his stuff in that house, clothes and toiletries, even food he put in Benny’s pantry for his frequent stays. Also Benny’s presence always helps with all of his problems. He will do as Benny says, take a while to himself and rest. He will forget this terrible feeling eating at him. He will think about everything with a clear head a few days later. 

Michael wishes him luck, tells him to call if he needs anything and Adam nods gratefully. This man did more than someone else would ever do for a stranger. Technically, Benny did more than a friend would do too. Well, Adam will have to repay both his friends after things settle down for him a little. 

* * *

After Adam and Benny leave, Michael immediately calls for a locksmith. He gets the new keys in half an hour and throws the old ones away. After that is done, he tidies the bedroom. As he changes the sheets, he remembers the night before. It was the first time he ever slept with someone that close since the accident. Even Dean wasn’t allowed on the same bed with Michael after his phobia surfaced. Right now, he is baffled at how easily he drifted. How Adam’s soft breaths lulled him to sleep… Even he can’t believe it now. And there is this alien… sadness in him as he gets the dishes and looks at the mug Adam used. 

Why is he like this? Is it even possible to get used to someone’s presence after a few hours spent together? He should think of this as a sleepover with a friend. As what is was. And Benny was right. Adam will be better off there. He must have things to make him comfortable at Benny’s. The two men are good for each other too. Michael can’t even caress Adam’s hair or hug him like Benny did if Adam needs that. He should be able to actually but without adrenaline in his veins and with the heavy thoughts, he doesn’t know if he can. So this is better. Michael will go to therapies and get help for himself too. Benny will look after Adam well. Michael will be there if they so need. 

As he goes around the flat aimlessly and trying to invent something to occupy him, the doorbell rings. Even though he wasn’t expecting anyone, he still rushes to the door. The first thought he has is that it might be Adam. Maybe Benny brought him to spend the evening together. Maybe he wanted to-

When he sees the face of the man he wants to see the least, Michael almost shuts the door. Dean is faster with a foot placed on the threshold to prevent the door. Michael doesn’t comprehend anything the other man does. Not after what Dean says. 

“I know how you met Adam.”

In Dean’s hand, Michael sees an old business card. 

_ Juliet&Angels. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dramatic music.  
> I love this too much for my own good. :)


	12. Chapter 12

Michael bites the inside of his cheek to keep himself from saying something he shouldn’t. He has to mind his words, he reminds himself. Right now, it isn’t about only himself and Dean. There is Adam to think about. Michael can’t cause any more harm to the young man than he already did though unintentionally. 

“Adam’s jacket was on the sofa. The rest of that suit was in the bedroom thrown over a chair. Adam was sleeping next to you wearing your clothes. I see that, think to look into the suit’s pockets to find this card, find your bank bills in the joined email account we had just to see the steady money flow there and you expect me to believe the shit show you made this morning? Please, Michael. You were just afraid you would turn out to be as faulty as I am in what happened. You were calling for escorts months before you found out about Cas. And Adam, whatever bullshit the kid got involved in, he will have to clean it up too. He will explain this card. He will explain that old man. Whatever you two got going on behind my back will be out soon. And you know what Michael? I won’t let you mess with that kid just because you hate me now.”

Michael takes a slow breath and squeezes his fist not even caring his nails digging into his flesh. As he listens looking right into Dean’s green eyes he once loved, he can’t see the vibrant color of grass with spring dew that used to give him a fresh breath each time he drank in the sight of it. Instead now, he is chilled to the bone as if he is faced with a venomous snake. He is suddenly overcome with the urge to draw his hand back as far as it goes and deliver the strongest slap he can manage. Even with his phobia, his forgets to be surprised at himself with the anger he feels now. 

* * *

Adam wakes up when the doorbell rings. He hears Benny’s voice as the man instructs the delivery man on the door and asks if there’s everything he wanted in the packages. The conversation ends shortly after having gone mostly one sided except of the few confirmations now and then. 

Adam sits up and stretches on the bed when Benny softly shuts the door. The nap did him good, he thinks.The older man asked Adam to rest as he called for dinner from his diner and cleared out the other bedroom for him. Now though, it must have been quite some time, Adam guesses looking at the darker shadows occupying the room. With a small yawn, he gets up and pulls on sweatpants under the oversize t-shirt borrowed from Benny’s wardrobe then he walks into the ensuite bathroom to freshen up. Soon, he hears the door being slowly opened without so much of a knock in the familiarity between him and Benny. “I’m up. I’ll be downstairs in a minute.” He calls out and hears Benny chuckling at the yawn at the end of the sentence. Even after today and the last few before it, Adam smiles to himself at the happy sound. At this moment, he forgets about his troubles and finds he wants to enjoy this while it lasts. He will need lots of courage and strength later. He can’t be grateful enough to Benny for making him feel safe. 

* * *

Michael throws himself on the sofa with a can of beer from the fridge. Tonight, he probably will need this to calm down a little. He wants to punch something, break something, pull his own hair when he keeps thinking about how he had to stay silent as Dean spurted out all those ridiculous ideas of his. 

He remembers his childhood. He remembers the highschool days when he and Dean would sit side by side at the classes and hold hands under the desk. He remembers their prom night when they were wearing matching suits and having the time of their lives. He remembers college. Dean had stayed at the state just because Michael too couldn’t leave. They wanted to be together that much. He remembers their study sessions before finals week, their hours long strolls in the narrowest, most vintage streets looking for bookstores with second hand college course packs and their celebrations consisting of too much pie for their own good after they passed classes. He remembers the unbelieving look Dean had in his eyes right after Michael whispered in his ear under the starry sky. He remembers the happy tears, the way Dean hid his face in Michael’s neck and pulled the coat they were sharing tighter around them. He had kissed each of those tears away that night. Neither of them had noticed the absence of a ring box. They had picked their rings out days later with their hearts about to burst from glee. Michael remembers how he would wake up at night, look at Dean’s sleeping face and think this much happiness was unreal. 

And in the end, it was. Unreal that is. With what happened just a few minutes prior, Michael is sure of that now. What they had was- Well, Michael was in love. He curses his own heart for still aching, still hurting him. Because he is now sure that Dean never loved him. At least he never loved Michael like he loved Dean. And that fact is the most insulting out of everything. He now notices how blind he was. Not only that but also how childish he was acting till just a few weeks ago… Always being optimistic, always coming up with explanations for every little thing before doubt could settle in him… He did this to himself. 

_ Maybe they will have pets in the future. Maybe kids even. Whenever Michael tells him about these things, Dean always tilts his eyes down to his lap and bites his lip. Michael chuckles again. How pretty prettier Dean gets when he is embarrassed. _ How Dean couldn’t face him when Michael talked about a future together...

_ “-not now. I can’t, okay? Not yet-” Michael stops just inside the threshold of the living room. Dean is on the phone, whisper-shouting at someone. “-I will. We will. Look, I am hanging up.” Michael walks forward after that. Probably work. Those men really, the car owners don’t know any etiquette. Owning classic cars doesn't make them noblemen. Who would even call at this hour anyway? How Dean had to try hard to keep Michael from hearing it and getting stressed tonight when they are supposed to have fun together without any worries _ … How Dean was openly having those calls from that Castiel right in front of Michael…

In the end, Michael did this to himself. It was obvious. Everything was so obvious. Yet he was so alone, so hungry for love and a normal family life that he ignored everything telling him what was happening. He was like a child indeed. He kept his head down and simply played house. Some would say he even deserved what happened. He should have been more careful. He should have been more clever. He should have realised that Dean was going to hurt him. He should have saved himself. He should have- 

Adam was trying to tell him that day. 

Adam. 

How is Michael even going to tell him what Dean said just now? 

* * *

“The break was too short this time, huh cher?” Benny keeps laughing at the faces Adam makes reading all the emails from professeurs. Adam takes a second to scowl at him but can’t keep the expression on his face for long. He never can stop himself from smiling when Benny is like this. Laughing all out and calling him cher. He only does that when he is cheerful, Adam knows. And it’s so nice to hear that word. It makes him happy too. 

“It was ten days.  _ Ten freaking days. _ After all the shitty projects, assignments and exams they give us just ten days to recover. Like what am I? In the military, or something?” He too laughs and picks up carrots from his plate to pass to Benny’s. The man gives him a scolding tilt of head as he always does whenever he sees Adam doing something like this. 

“Honestly, what are you gonna do when you are a big doctor? Pick out carrots and onions in front of other doctors and nurses too? A doctor, surgeon maybe, afraid of carrots?-” Benny shakes his head just for dramatic effect but takes Adam’s carrots and puts them into his own mouth anyway. Adam is probably giggling like a toddler now. The thought gives him another idea. And two seconds later, there is a huge stain of curry sauce from the spoon–that Adam certainly didn’t tilt knowingly–spreads to the front of the t-shirt he chose for himself before his nap. “-That one was one of my favorites. I wore it to feel better. It looked so good on me.” Benny has a somewhat mourning look on his face as he says the last part. 

Adam doesn’t even try to stop himself. He snorts. “From now on, it shall look good on the floor as it proudly serves in the position of a mop.” Benny lifts his gaze up to Adam’s eyes with a raised brow. Adam stops biting the inside of his cheek. Soon they are both laughing at nothing and trying to finish dinner. 

* * *

Michael runs a hand through his hair. He just thought to notify Ellen about the session he already missed today. The woman asked if he was okay then simply gave him a new appointment. 

To be honest, Michael doesn’t know if he is okay or not. He keeps turning everything in his head. He glances at the coffee table to see the businesscard innocently resting there as if it isn’t the cause of what Dean did. 

And Dean, he probably jotted down everything on it. Michael can see him going there to look for Adam. He doesn’t know his half brother quitted the job. Good. At least that’s good. For a minute, he contemplates if he should call but then again, he is still technically banned. His numbers were blocked too. Yet he doesn’t worry too much about it. Adam isn’t at that penthouse. And the place has an excellent security system. It probably won’t be a problem. After that, Dean will come back here to mess with him again if he doesn’t lose interest till then. 

Michael takes a small sip of beer and reaches for the remote. He should try to distract himself too. Nothing will happen. Dean won’t find Adam. He won’t hurt Adam. He can’t do anything. Adam is safe with Benny now. They are probably sleeping in each other’s warmth right now. Michael still doesn’t understand the relationship there but doesn’t question it too. Benny is good. In general and for Adam. And that’s all that matters. 

A breeze fills the living room through the window he opened an hour ago because the flat was suffocating him. He shivers a little. As the TV blanket finds its place around his shoulders, Michael asks himself if it will always be like this from now on. A chilly flat, a can of beer and TV. Is this his life now? 

Well, at least he knows Adam is fine. As long as he is with Benny-

* * *

“To the agency? Adam are you thinking to-” Adam interrupts Benny before the man has a chance to finish. Because it really isn’t like that. It isn’t. He doesn’t want to apply and start at the agency again. It’s just, he was listening to what Benny and Michael did to find him once again and he found he owes his old boss and friends at the agency a thanks. He misses Kevin too. He will go talk to Crowley, thank him for what he did then maybe sit around to chat with Kevin and a few others. It’s no doubt they have all seen the news. They all know Adam turned from a fatal mistake. They are the only people on Earth who wouldn’t judge him, other than Benny and Michael that is. 

“I want to see my friends, personally thank Crowley and just hang out for an hour, you know? Benny… everyone there has a past full of mistakes. They- Well, one was a drug addict before, another had a child taken by CPS, another was an alcoholic… You couldn’t believe what stories I heard there everyday for the life of you. But they are all good people Benny. It’s like-  _ They will understand.  _ They have gone through all kinds of shit. I- I need that, Benny. You are here and I appreciate everything you do for me. Hell, if it wasn’t for you I would have given up a long time ago. Just-”

This time, it’s Benny who interrupts. He puts a hand on Adam’s and leans a little closer with the gentlest smile he can manage. “I understand. You know I do. Brother, it’s the least you deserve, to see people who know what you have gone through and want to support you. We can pick up burgers on the way back, huh? A movie, late night food?” 

Adam pulls Benny into a brief hug before rushing upstairs to change into something that actually fits him from the dresser drawer Benny reserved for stuff he left here. Benny watches him sprint up on the staircase before turning on his heels to look for his car keys. 

Nearly forty-five minutes later, they make it to the agency. 

In front of the door, just as they are about to enter, his phone vibrates in his pocket. Adam is actually surprised to see the new text from Kevin. He taps on the blurry picture on the screen. 

He freezes where he stands and barely registers the next bubble that pops up under the picture.

_ Says he’s your brother. Looking for you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't get enough drama huh?
> 
> Also, I am losing my mind with all the assignments and online classes. Wish the best luck to every other student out there. :')


	13. Chapter 13

“You don’t get to do this! You don’t-  _ Who do you think you are? _ ” Adam hisses out the last part no matter how much he wants to shout at Dean now. His eyes flicker to Crowley who is sitting on one of the leather couches in his office with Juliet on his lap and Kevin, perched on the armrest next to the man with his phone still in his hand as if waiting for a cue to ring the security. No. He can’t do this now. He shouldn’t, not with them here. They don’t have to keep dealing with Adam’s personal businesses like this. At the thought, he gets even angrier at Dean. 

“Tell you who I am? I am your brother, Adam. And you are coming fucking home with me! This place, these men-” He throws a disgusted glance pointedly at Benny who had run up the stairs to the office after Adam and who now has a hand clasped around his wrist in silent support. “- _ What the hell? _ What do you think you’re doing!? What was that thing on the paper!? You will explain all-”

“I don’t owe you any explanation! You’re my brother? Don’t make me laugh, Dean. Sam maybe but you? I’m coming with you? Not freaking happening! You are gonna leave now before you get your ass dragged out of here! And don’t ever try to get in my life again! It’s none of your business what I do! For years you pretended I don’t exist. Now, you only care because you think Michael, who  _ you  _ cheated on, has something with me! It’s your hero complex, your need to be always right and nothing more! You were the one who left Michael in the most vile way, mind your own damn business now! Tell you what, Dean!? I am not letting you into my life!” Having forgotten about his previous decision to restrain himself, Adam let’s his voice steadily get higher and higher. In the background, Juliet is loudly barking at Dean and baring her teeth. 

“Okay, fine! Keep whoring yourself out for all I care! You’ll come crying when this all ends up bad! No one will love you here! They will all use you, Michael even more so! Since you apparently know everything, know this too. He is only seeing you because he wants to make me mad! You will see soon enough!” 

Dean stomps out elbowing Benny in the process. For the first time ever, Adam sees a look so dark clouding Benny’s eyes under his flat cap’s shadow. Right now, the man sees as if he wants to catch Dean and tear his throat out like a vampire on bloodlust. Adam can do nothing more than squeezing the larger hand in his. 

“Alright, boys. Take a seat.-” Crowley sighs. He hands the dog to Kevin then walks to his chair. “-Security will let us know if he tries anything. You two grab drinks and try to forget that nonsense for now.” As soon as the older man finishes talking, Adam collapses on the leather couch letting Juliet crawl over him from her place in Kevin’s arms and lick at his cheeks consolingly. He chuckles at her. After becoming mothers, animals tend to adopt human children, a friend working on zoology said to him once. 

“Thanks girl, that’s what mom would have done if she was here.” His throat knots with the memory of the most beautiful woman ever in her white hospital scrubs and messy bun pinned with a pen. After that, Juliet becomes cheerful jumping around the room to make Adam smile at her antics even at the cost of her usual elegance and dignity. Benny sits next to him holding a glass of Crowley’s fine scotch for them each. Kevin briefly explains how Dean entered the agency having called first as a client and gives Adam a hug. Crowley for his own part is silent but even his presence is reassuring. Funny how this man is almost fatherly to Adam with his support through everything that happened. Adam is sure the sole reasons for that are Kevin’s friendship to him and Juliet treating him as one of her pups though. At the thought, he finds himself chuckling again. Finally, Benny’s eyes get their light back. Kevin sits up a bit straighter. And he can swear, even if he can never prove, that Crowley’s lips twitch in a smile that lasts less than a second before the man is back to his classy indifference. It could have been worse, he tells himself.

_ It could have been worse. _

* * *

As promised, they stop at Adam’s favorite diner a block away from the agency and get burgers on their way back. Benny drives silently with a Sinatra song from a random station filling the light grey Corolla. Adam holds the warm takeout bag on his lap and watches the road. He remembers the last time he ate his favorite burger. It was just before-  _ Then Adam was downstairs with his favorite burger from the twenty-four-hours-open diner a block away and with all the other escorts by his side. Kevin went up to talk to Crowley once he heard Adam insisted to still go to his next client but came back empty handed. _

All the bad memories from that time flood his mind. He remembers exactly how he felt. Used. Betrayed. Alone. He remembers how he wanted to feel something different. He remembers how he sought that in the worst place possible. He remembers the chapped lips and wrinkled hands roaming his body. The memory only makes him shudder in disgust. How he ever let himself be so foolish escapes him now. He remembers how he immediately took it once an offer to get him out of the life he knew presented itself. He didn’t even care about the price he would pay. He lied to himself. He even managed to make himself believe it all for some time. He founded this false reality and allowed himself to be trapped. He did it to himself. And if it wasn’t for Benny…

Adam doesn’t even want to think where he would be now if it wasn’t for Benny’s efforts. Michael was trying to find him too to make the situation right but he wouldn’t be able to reach Adam himself. Benny found him, brought him to Adam to have the two of them talk everything out, prevented a disaster and didn’t even claim the spotlight for that. Adam stayed with Michael even if it was more logical for him to be with Benny where he also had some stuff and where no one would think to look for him. He never expected anything in return for what he did. Nothing emotional. Not gratitude, not love. Nothing physical. Not- Even when he was paying for Adam’s time, Benny never made him feel that way. Now too. He held Zachariah back that day and let Michael be the hero. They left Benny at that church, driving off with the heat of the moment. 

Adam knows. He has known for quite some time now. Yet it doesn’t mean he understands. Benny loves him. Just two hours ago, he agreed to come with Adam to the agency in the middle of the night when he has work tomorrow. They went. They saw Dean. Benny never interrupted them. He let Adam speak his own mind and defend himself. He held his hand, made him feel that he wasn’t standing all alone against Dean but never tried to get in between them. Back there, Adam was his own person, deciding on his own life himself. He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t scared.  _ It could have been worse. _ It would be worse if Benny wasn’t there holding Adam’s back. He didn’t even give in to the bitter tears stinging his eyes tonight. Benny was there with him. Benny is here with him. He is doing all this. He is giving Adam everything. And he isn’t asking for anything. 

Adam doesn’t doubt Benny. Not even a little. This man might be the only person alive that he would trust fully and immediately. Still… It isn’t easy to comprehend. Benny is doing everything for love. As far as Adam knows and as everything else, love too runs out at some point. 

Adam thinks of all the men who told him their pathetic stories. He never wanted to hear any of those but they were paying. Clients came first. They chose what to do with the time they bought. Often, Adam would suffer through hours spent lying in the arms of a stranger listening to their most vile secrets and occasionally helping them through slight hysterias caused by guilt. They all had wives, husbands, someone they loved at one point. They all betrayed someone with Adam. There were ones who didn’t want their spouses anymore. There were ones drowning themselves in alcohol because of their mistakes but still betraying their loved ones again and again each day. There were the kind Crowley didn’t want to work with and blacklisted immediately. Those were the abusers, the ones hurting the people they loved ‘too much’ as they all tended to say. 

In all his life, Adam has never seen love ending pretty. 

He thinks of his father. He thinks of his mother. She kept pictures of John Winchester. Even though Adam never saw her crying after the man, he knew she did secretly and in the safety of her bedroom at night. He thinks of Mary Winchester. The woman was betrayed. John chose her in the end but what was done could never be reversed. They had been childhood sweethearts, Adam heard from a guest in the funeral. John cheated on her. They had two beautiful sons. John went and had another. As if Mary wasn’t enough. As if her children weren’t enough. Adam kind of understands Dean only about that matter. Who knows? Maybe he would have hated that illegitimate child too if he was Dean. 

Yet, the thought of Dean brings forth other things. Adam knows his and Michael’s story. They were in love too. They grew up together. They raised Michael’s brothers together. They were getting ready to unite their lives forever. Then Michael lived through something terrible. He got his phobia. Instead of owning up his love and standing by Michael, Dean chose to dump him. Michael made it sound like a fairytale when he was telling Adam about this mysterious fiancé he loved so much and who loved him in their earliest evenings together. They saw how it ended. 

Adam glances at Benny. His hand curls into a fist around the paper bag. Indeed, love is bound to run out.  _ What will happen to them then?  _

* * *

They put on the first movie of the Insidious series and sit on the couch side by side with a fluffy blanket. Adam remembers choosing this one at a random home store just before Christmas last year. Benny had a cold then. He was constantly complaining of the chilly house and refusing Adam’s every attempt to go and take care of him a little lest Adam too got sick. Adam went anyway. He bought this warm blanket, made vegetable soup and picked up vitamins from the pharmacy on his way. They had a great time together watching Frozen and laughing at Benny’s shivering every time Elsa did some snow magic on the screen. 

Their take out quickly reduces to empty cardboard cups and greasy wrappers on the coffee table in front of them. By the end of the movie, they are in the middle of the couch with Adam’s head resting on Benny’s shoulder. In a strange way, his chest feels tight. Benny isn’t talking to him about the movie or trying to cheer him up too. He knows to leave Adam to his own devices on matters like this until Adam wants to talk it out and asks for help. Respecting his boundaries as always, he is keeping Adam company and being here for him even though he can’t actively do more. This is what Adam likes about him the most. Benny believes that Adam can be his own hero. He simply takes the sidelines, always finding a way to let Adam know that he is there with him. So Adam shuffles a little closer and decides to enjoy the warmth as the second movie of the series plays on the screen. 

“Parker just wanted to be happy. He wanted a family, a life. I think I kind of understand where he’s coming from.-” Adam mumbles more to himself. He feels Benny’s chest rising with the slow intake of breath. “-What he did wasn’t right in the end. But, his family, that psychotic woman was the one who ruined him. And of course Josh somehow needed to get back with his family too so…” He trails off there. He can’t complete the thought even in his head. The movie is the last thing on his mind now. As if sensing his mood, Benny starts to rake his fingers through Adam’s light strands. So Adam closes his eyes giving up on the movie altogether instead to focus on the warm hand comforting him. 

“You don’t deserve this, cher. You don’t deserve any of it. But I promise you it will be alright. I will always be here for you.” Hearing Benny’s whisper that somehow lifts a weight from Adam’s heart. He tilts his head up a little to see the kind eyes watching him and sits upright slowly. 

For some time, they just look at each other’s faces. Adam briefly makes out the end credits running in the background a few minutes later. They both don’t care. They don’t do anything when the TV switches back to some French channel nor when it turns itself off after fifteen minutes of inactivity. The living room becomes totally dark with only a small ray of moonlight managing to reach inside through the drawn curtains. Without seeing anything, without understanding how, Adam finds himself close to Benny again. He can feel the other man’s hot breath on his cheek, smell the cologne he bought for Benny’s birthday. He doesn’t know how long he lingers there before the silent moment is broken. 

Something Adam would never imagine happens. 

Just before their lips touch each other, Benny puts one palm against Adam’s chest and lightly pushes him away. Adam is too busy being stunned while the older man bolts up on his feet to turn on the lights. “You don’t want-” He can’t finish the question. Benny takes a seat on an armchair and with his eyes cast down to his lap. “-I thought. All you do for me… I thought- God I am such an idiot aren’t I?” Adam talks to himself not even caring if Benny will listen or not. 

“No-” Adam feels Benny’s eyes on his face and turns his own gaze to the man as well. “-Adam you’re anything but an idiot. You know, you are… not wrong. I have known that you were aware for a while now. Just- Listen, we can’t do that. Not now, okay? No matter how much-  _ We can’t _ .” Benny clears his throat at the end and leans back. Adam covers his face with his hands. 

“Then why? We are- we are close already. And you make me happy, Benny. You make me feel special and wanted. You look at me as if I am something fascinating. Hell, you care about me more than my own freaking family does. I- I want to-” Why now of all times today do the tears come to his eyes, that Adam doesn’t know himself. Benny takes another deep breath at the sight of Adam’s pathetic state. Then he walks over to sit next to Adam again. 

“Because this was what I was afraid of. I didn’t want you to feel this way. Adam I know what you are feeling now. I do. But I can’t. Not while all these things keep happening to you. Not while you are in this state. Please Adam, please don’t finish that sentence. We can talk about this later. But not now, not today.” Adam falls silent. He draws his legs up and wraps his arms around his knees. Benny doesn’t say or do anything opting to sit with Adam and wait until they both are well enough to get up and go to bed.

* * *

Adam throws himself on the bed immediately after shutting the door. He doesn’t even bother with the sheets. He simply sprawls on the mattress and closes his eyes. What a long day it has been. He doesn’t even want to think back to it all. No actually, he doesn’t want to think about anything in general. Still he can’t help himself. First, he messed up telling what he saw to Michael without making him, a man prone to panic attacks, panic. Then he messed up with the whole thing with Zachariah. After that, he messed up with Dean and his impotence. Lastly, just now, he messed up with Benny. 

Benny who loves him. Benny who literally didn’t deny this just now. Yet the man still pushed him away. But then again, isn’t his life like that? His half brothers love him too. They love Adam but they don’t want Adam in their lives. His father was the same way. The man would come over a few times per year, take Adam to games and let him drive for a few minutes. He would hug Adam tightly but still leave at the end of the day. He too loved Adam but didn’t really want him. His aunt. The woman babied Adam in front of the CPS officials and did everything to become his legal guardian once his mom passed away. She kept talking about how much she loved Adam. She got to keep him and shipped him to that highschool. Adam heard her arguing with her husband to send Adam away in the summers too when he stayed at their house and worked at their diner. And there are his friends. From the school, from the agency… They all love Adam, they always did. Yet now, Adam doesn’t have a single one here to hold him and cheer him up. He thinks about Michael. They are friends. They are. Michael loves Adam. Still, he probably wishes they never met in the first place. Adam is the one who wrecked his life. Not Dean. Adam. Cheaters don’t wreck lives. They don’t get kicked out. They still get to live happily ever after. At least John Winchester did. Adam is sure Dean inherited some of that Winchester luck. So, it’s true. Everyone in his life, they all love him. But no one wants him. Adam is still alone, still a mistake, still an orphan. 

Now, even Benny who never let him feel like this turned him away too. Logically, Benny was probably trying to protect Adam again but it didn’t work. It didn’t stop him from feeling this miserable. At the end of the day, Benny still pushed him away. Adam doesn’t know how he will feel about this in the morning. Right now, the poisonous thought does nothing more than to hurt him. He wishes he could distract himself somehow or at least pass out until he has to get out of bed for sure. 

As if on cue, his phone rings once with the default notification tone. 

A new message. Someone just texted him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo Adam is in pain and acting unreasonably anyone his age would. We will see more about the Winchesters soon. And Michael is left truly alone too but midam is closer now. Who knows what Benny thinks this chapteri...


	14. Chapter 14

A new message. Someone just texted him. 

Adam dips his hand in his pocket and fishes out his phone. As soon as he unlocks the screen, the new text pops up with Michael’s name on the top bar. He just blinks stupidly at it for two seconds before he remembers he actually has to read what Michael texted him. He tilts his eyes down tiredly but with a fresh sense of anticipation as well.

_ The hour is too late to call but I still need to tell you. Dean was here this evening after you left. He had the business card from the agency. I think he rummaged through our pockets when he entered the flat secretly in the morning. Adam please be careful. He might go to look for you there. Call me when you see this text?  _

Of course. 

Up until now, Adam didn’t even question how Dean knew to go to  _ Juliet&Angels _ . So that’s how he found out about the place. By going through their pockets like a true Winchester. Suddenly he remembers the suit jacket he shrugged off his shoulders as if trying to cleanse himself the moment he stepped into Michael’s living room and carelessly threw somewhere. His phone, wallet and keys were in the inner pockets. And in his wallet, there were a few of those cards hidden between biometric pictures, coupons and store cards. For a whole minute he spends deeply breathing, Adam can’t decide whether to be angry at himself for being so idiotic to carry the cards or Dean for taking the audacity to do something like that. 

Both, he decides as he rereads the text. 

Who knows how Michael must have felt, alone and with the man he least wanted to see on his door again after only a few hours. If Adam knows Dean even a little, he can guess what kind of conversation that was. Who knows how Michael is feeling now. And why is he even awake at this hour anyway? Did he stay up thinking about all of that and how to tell Adam about what Dean did all this time since the evening? Is he doing okay now? Did Dean go overboard and upset him? How awful it must be to be in his place this instant. 

Adam looks back down on the screen and takes a deep, slow breath. Having made his mind after only a few seconds of consideration, he presses the call button. It only rings once before Michael picks up and Adam puts the call on speaker not feeling strong enough to move his arm to hold the phone up to his ear now. 

For three seconds or so, they both stay silent and listen to each other’s breathing. In the end, Adam decides to say something first. “Are you okay, Michael? What did he do?” He forgoes greetings. A terrible feeling in his clenched gut tells him the situation is worse than he first thought. It only confirms that when Michael answers.

“Adam-” Michael shuffles around wherever he is as if trying to sit upright to talk. “-I didn’t think you would call back immediately. I- I am fine. Not having a panic attack or something. He came back, Adam. He had- he had a card of the agency. I just wanted to warn you. He might go there. Your friends might tell you. I didn’t want you to- to panic or…” Michael trails off with a sigh at the end. Adam notices the difference between Michael’s voice now and how he sounds normally. The man could simply be tired, the hour is late but- Actually it does make sense that Michael would be resigned. It makes sense that he wouldn’t have the words to even talk about Dean and his bullshit after everything that happened in just the last few days. But…

“Michael, did you- Did you take something? A heavy dose of medication? You said your new therapist didn’t prescribe anything but you still had pills left, is that right? Did you maybe-” He tries to word it carefully. He tries to talk slowly. Honestly, even he isn’t sure himself why he thought of this possibility first right after hearing Michael’s voice. Maybe he is wrong. Maybe he is looking for problems because he convinced himself that Michael is unwell. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked this. Michael interrupts him anyway. 

“No. I- I have pills. But- I just… drank a little. I can’t- I remembered them but I can’t with the alcohol in my system. I- It wasn’t much. Don’t worry, Adam.  _ Please don’t worry _ . You have enough of those. I am- I am okay. How are you?” 

_ Drank a little. _

So that rules out an overdose on antidepressants at the very least. Adam doesn’t know if it is any better or not though. “How much, Michael? Are you sure you will be alright?” Adam tries to sound as gentle as possible. Something about the way Michael is also carefully speaking and more than that, the fact he chose to drink in the first place tells Adam that he very much isn’t alright. The long pause before Michael’s next words imply that either the older man is trying to come up with a lie to soothe Adam’s mind or that he isn’t feeling well enough to keep a long conversation going. Neither is okay. 

“I will- I am just a little… tired. Adam I am-  _ I am tired. _ ” 

_ Tired. _

That word alone is enough to trigger a flood of memories in Adam’s mind. He thinks of the day his mother died. He thinks of the funeral where he couldn’t do anything but to sit on the sofa and silently cry with his face buried in his hands. He thinks of his aunt, the woman’s almost Oscar worthy acting to trick the CPS just for the money. He thinks of the small room he stayed in with five other boys during highschool. He thinks of John Winchester, how Adam used to pray for the man to turn out someone good and to take him away from his aunt when he was shivering too bad to go to sleep in that room. Then he learned that his father already had a wife and kids. He learned that he was only a charity case to suppress guilt. 

Adam thinks of the other funeral. He was eighteen and had nothing other than a backpack with a change of clothes, pyjamas and a sandwich and a bottle of water just in case. He was in front of this nice family house with a ticket to a bus to his aunt’s for the next day in his pocket and a heavy feeling in his chest. Then a middle aged man was ushering him inside with a warm hand on his shoulder. The woman was-  _ “He has a right to say goodbye too, doesn’t he? But Bobby I don’t think I can do this.” _ Just like that, Mary Winchester went upstairs with fresh tears dropping down her cheeks at the mere sight of Adam. 

Adam thinks of Sam and Dean. He thinks of the way they stared at him, Sam with curiosity and Dean with open distaste and fury. He remembers how Sam half dragged Dean away to another room then sat next to Adam on a chair. Later, they watched as Dean went to check on his mom not forgetting to throw a nasty look their way. They watched people going around chatting about John Winchester and about his poor wife who loved him so much.  _ I wish we met on a nicer day. Dad- He mentioned you sometimes. I wanted to come over with him and meet you before but- And Dean- He isn’t really mad at you. It’s- He knows nothing’s really your fault. Sorry on his behalf. We all- We all lost our dad today.  _

That was it. The first words ever that he heard from his brother. His mind wasn’t working properly. He couldn’t process anything. Only, he knew he wasn’t actually welcome in that house. He could feel the looks prickling his skin. He was in another family’s house mourning another’s loss. He didn’t belong there. Everyone knew. Mary Winchester knew. Sam and Dean too. That Bobby too. Maybe other guests thought he was simply someone’s kid or Sam’s friend or… But no. Adam was a stranger. An outsider.  _ Everyone knew.  _

He thinks of his first day in college. He thinks of the new dorm room he moved into from simply another one. He thinks of the months he spent half starving and trying to squeeze in part-time jobs that paid barely enough to buy clothes and food and maybe his most necessary books if he could find second hand copies. He thinks of Kevin. He thinks of the night he spent trying to find a way out and trying to muffle his sobs biting into his pillow. 

Once morning came, Adam still had no choice. He remembers the first moment he stepped into that penthouse. Like a deer caught between predators, he was trembling from head to toe. The men and women scrutinising him were scary, Crowley even more so. The man raised a brow, looked him up and down but still decided to try him probably because Kevin had vouched for him beforehand. He still can’t forget the hours he spent crying because of what he would be doing and hating himself for feeling glad that he wouldn’t have to drop out of school. 

Adam thinks of his first client. He thinks of how Kevin helped him prepare, lending him a tight fitting shirt and explaining the procedure about the security check-ins over and over again. He thinks of that man whose face he has long forgotten. At least it wasn’t his first time. At least the man was older by a couple decades and was easy to satisfy. He had lucked out. His next few dates were mostly similar too. He did everything he was supposed to, didn’t fight with anyone even though some tried to occasionally pick up on him at the agency, listened when Crowley talked and slowly got used to it all. Soon, he was proving himself to be good at his work with the way the clients asked for him again and again and even paid extra if they were in a good mood. 

He thinks of the two whole years of his life spent running between his classes, the penthouse and the various houses and hotels. He thinks of the way Crowley laughed at him when he heard Adam wanted to be a doctor but placed a desk in one of the spare rooms a few days later when Adam returned to the agency after three hours with a client at two a.m. with the dorm’s curfew past and fell asleep on a leather couch with a biology book clutched to his chest. He woke to the next morning with his alarm at eight, showered and changed into a shirt he left in his small dresser in one of the changing rooms and jeans from Kevin’s then to his surprise, got a tuna and egg salad sandwich one of the other escorts made before being dropped to the campus by another because the older woman had an errand that way anyway. That night was probably when he finally earned at least sympathy from everyone at the agency if not more. From then on, he started taking his books with himself and studying there too. The others shared food with him even introducing him to his favorite burger place and gave him space in the room with the desk. His few closest friends cheered for him everytime he got an A and Adam even Crowley patted his head much like one would a child’s once. 

Just like that, Adam got used to it all. He got an apartment and a car for himself even though he used cabs for work. He studied wherever whenever he could and passed his classes. He got clothes, learned to choose perfume and to always carry what little item he might need for a date with a client. He learned about the nightworld and the different profiles of men he met. He got bold and strong enough to endure everything once he set up his savings account to pay for his tuition and he let himself go. He buried that scared kid alive and became just the kind of goods clients would want just so he could keep his hopes to reach his dream. 

Adam thinks of all the bad days, everything. He thinks of the last few weeks. He thinks of… himself. 

_ Tired. _

He makes his mind.

* * *

Only half an hour later, he is parking his car in front of the well familiar building and dialing up Michael again to open the door. He is thankful now that he last parked his car at the campus before the mess with his almost wedding and Benny brought it back for him at first opportunity. He is also thankful for the spare set of keys Benny always kept around and allowed Adam to use during grocery runs or something. 

When Michael opens the door with a pale face and sunken shoulders, Adam instantly worries that the older man lied about taking something but quickly discards the idea when he sees no bottle of pills anywhere in sight in the living room next to the two empty cans on coffee table and notices that Michael can stand and keep eye contact. Only two. Adam briefly remembers an article on the subject and lets out a relieved sigh. It thankfully isn’t anything dangerous. For a moment, he even feared that Michael could go and give himself an alcohol poisoning going overboard. Fortunately that’s not the case. “I… apologize for worrying you, Adam. I am- I really- Did I wake Benny too? Sorry-”

“Not at all. I guess I” Adam sighs there and averts his gaze. “ _ needed to be with someone too. _ I left Benny a note. We, uh, stayed up really late. He is tired.” A different look crosses over Michael’s face but disappears before Adam can try to deduce what it is. 

They don’t say much afterwards. Adam wants to tell Michael about his and Benny’s little trip to the agency but deems it inappropriate now when his friend looks as if a truck went over him. So instead, he cleans up the empty cans and makes them bacon sandwiches. Eating something sounds good now. 

* * *

Michael wakes up on his bed and can’t remember how he got there for a minute. Then it dawns on him. 

Adam. 

Quietly, he gets up and checks the living room first before even washing his face. He creaks the door to his study next then walks into the kitchen to find a sticky note on the fridge door with a bowl of overnight oats covered in plastic wrap and a jug of homemade juice next to it in the fridge. 

_ Sorry. Got an early class tomorrow. :) Things I need are at Benny’s. Still gotta get clothes and books too. See you for shopping maybe??? _

Although finding himself alone is a bit disappointing, Michael finds he doesn’t, in the slightest bit, feel so. He smiles at the note and takes the bowl out. 

* * *

In the morning, Adam walks downstairs to Benny in his favorite apron and a plate of warm pancakes. He yawns, the meager three hours he got nowhere nearly enough to function properly but he knows how to make do with the years of experience in finals week and… his job was usually during night so a few classes and a shopping trip before a well deserved nap in the afternoon isn’t something he can’t handle. 

“Rise and shine, I would say but brother looks like you’re not rising any time soon.” Benny places the plate in front of him immediately when Adam sits on the dining table then joins him with another. Adam chuckles at the horrible orange apron with a cartoon vampire printed in the front and steals a slice of banana from the older man’s plate. 

“Not my fault that the first day of school after just ten days isn’t exciting enough to be bolting out of bed and dancing on my way to class early in the morning.” He yawns again more for show than the urge and accepts a warm mug passed over by a warm hand. Benny smiles and shakes his head at him and Adam shrugs. 

“You didn’t wake me last night. Was Michael… is he doing okay?” With the question, they both go serious. Adam inhales slowly and takes a sip of his coffee Benny no doubt made for him because the older man himself isn’t much of a fan of caffeine. 

“He is fine. I was scared a little when I drove over too but there was nothing like I feared. Maybe the last few weeks and… you know, all the stress from  _ stuff  _ is finally catching up to him now.“ Adam takes another sip and Benny turns the words in his head before slowly nodding. He doesn’t say or ask anything else. For over five minutes, they simply eat. Adam only manages to muster the courage to breach that other topic they haven’t yet talked about then.

“Benny-” He waits until the soft blue eyes find his own. “-thank you. Last night- I wasn’t on my right mind, I think. I tried to- I feel bad for what I did there. If- I wouldn’t regret it if we had but- But still…  _ Thank you. _ ” 

Benny cracks another smile after a few seconds and places his hand on Adam’s on the table. “I understand, cher. Just don’t be so hard on yourself all the time, all right? You deserve to be happy without forcing yourself to things you don’t really feel like doing. You know I wouldn’t ever take it personally or hold it against you. You are having a rough time with almost everything in your life. You didn’t mean to use me as a distraction. You didn’t really believe I would leave you if I didn’t get anything from you like almost everyone else you know. Yesterday was hard. I am just glad you are feeling better and that Michael is okay too. This will all pass, alright?” 

How, Adam would have asked himself once. Now, he knows it’s pointless.  _ Adam glances at Benny. His hand curls into a fist around the paper bag. Indeed, love is bound to run out. What will happen to them then?  _ Wasn’t this exactly what he thought when he- And here Benny is, understanding him again and not being mad at him. 

Adam can’t help but to take the larger hand in his and squeeze once before he shovels down his breakfast and runs to his car as Benny gets ready to go check his diner out. 

As he is on his way to the campus, he is startled with the sudden ringing of his phone on the passenger seat. Before he can take the phone to see who is calling, it stops and a text pops up on the screen. Adam stops and pulls the car to the side once he sees the contact name. 

Sam.

_ Can we meet please? I want to talk to you, Adam.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am backkk!!!  
> Honestly, thanks everyone for being so patient. I had lots of familial problems and a veryyy busy semester. I still didn't take my finals but got to write as soon as I had the chance and time to spare for myself! With the pandemic still going on, we don't know how things will turn out for any of us but I hope you all are doing okay. I love all of you <3333333333


	15. Chapter 15

_ Can we meet please? I want to talk to you, Adam.  _

Sam. 

So Dean is now using him? Did he tell Sam to text Adam? Is this- Will Dean be waiting with Sam if Adam agrees to go? He leans back on his seat and closes his eyes while a hand sweeps the stray strands falling over his forehead. He doesn’t want to do anything immediately. He has his classes for today and a long shopping trip to do afterwards. Hell, he doesn’t even feel comfortable going to school now. Benny and Michael have both told him before to maybe take it easy for a while but Adam decided to try and preserve some part of normalcy in his life at least in this form. Yet-

It has only been days since the fiasco, the newspapers and the headlines. He doesn’t know what kind of reactions his presence will trigger today. He is sure he will receive a few comments here and there from other students, there will be some avoiding him altogether and there might even be a confrontation if someone is feeling excessively self-righteous and curious today. But what about the professeurs? What about the campus security he passes by and chats with everyday? What about the barista in his favorite coffee shop? What about tomorrow? What about the next week? How many will- How long is it going to last? Is it really okay now to try this immediately?

Adam isn’t sure. He thinks showing his face and acting as if nothing ever happened should help people forget about the incident faster. If he doesn’t go to school, the rumours will spread more and people will speculate why he might be missing which will cause another wave of fresh gossip to be passed around. So hard it might be, Adam has to try to bear whatever he will see and hear for a while. But- And now that Sam is inviting him to meet for the first time in months-

_ It is about Dean. He just told me a few things. We fought. I think I am going to move out. I can no longer stay with him. I am a mess, Adam. I think you might be also going through a similar phase now. I just want to talk a little. Maybe we can help each other.  _

With a start at the notification sound, Adam unlocks the screen once again and reads the longer text in one go. His eyes widen as he lets them travel on the lines again and again.  _ Is this… real? _ Sam and Dean fought? After Dean ‘told Sam things’? But for what? In the two years Adam has known them, his brothers were inseparable. They loved and depended on each other even a bit too much. They were the picture of perfect siblings. So why? Why now? 

To think, Adam knows by now that Sam has always been relatively defiant in the family while Dean adored their mother and wanted to be the perfect son to their father. Sam was different. John Winchester had an auto repair shop for regular cars and trucks. Mary Winchester learned the business from her husband and helped maintain the place. Dean got a hold of the family business as soon as he could and even started a new place solely on classic cars all on his own. Sam is in turn a lawyer. Sam is a vegan Adam knows from their few chats when they had coffee together a few times in the last two years. Sam didn’t hesitate to leave the state for school. Sam isn’t really big on the whole family dad stereotype Dean wants to be. Sam is just… different. Worst, Sam has always been the one to ask after Adam, to try to invite him to holiday dinners at their house, to actually acknowledge him as another distant family member if not a brother on the same level as Dean. Of course he too didn’t do much for Adam but Adam wouldn’t have asked for anything nor would he have accepted anything from the older man anyway. He too wanted to keep his distance from his half brothers knowing Dean and Mary Winchester rightfully didn’t want him around. But Sam-

Adam remembers being thirteen and actually happy on a birthday because his mom made a big cake for him that day and he didn’t yet know his father was always going to be an absentee all through his life. John Winchester was there for Adam’s birthday with two bags of gifts. One had a model car the man offered to help him build in a desperate effort to do something together and stay relevant in Adam’s memory but confusing him with his oldest trophy child who liked getting his hands dirty with cars and parts. Still, Adam thanked him for it sincerely because he was a kid just getting to know his father and actually wanting to have one no matter who it was. Adam remembers tearing into the second gift just to find a medical kit that wasn’t consisting of toys.  _ For Future Doctors _ . There were  stethoscopes and a blood pressure cuff set, a reflex hammer, a penlight examination light, an otoscope, a digital thermometer, an eye test chart, medical files and charts, examination gloves, face masks, and whatever else a doctor’s office had. Adam remembers being overjoyed at it and being too busy trying to open the package of the thermometer to process what his father said. Something about Sam remembering Adam wanted to be a doctor when he grew up and helping his father choose that kit. 

Now that Adam remembers that day, it is even more scandalous to him. It must have been so to Dean and their mother too. Of course the woman had chosen to stay married to John despite learning about Adam but was it really so easy to do? To ignore that other woman who also was raising a son of her husband? To allow him to visit them even if it’s only once or twice per year? Was it easy to see one of her own children inquiring about that other boy to her husband? What did she feel when her husband talked about Adam to Sam and Sam helped him choose a birthday gift for Adam? Did she even know? What did Dean do when he saw that? He must have known, right?  _ Scandalous indeed. _

The thing is, Sam has always done what he wanted. And Dean has never fought him like this. So why now?  _ Why? _

Before he can stop himself, Adam finds himself pressing the dial button. It rings only once before he hears Sam taking a deep breath on the other side of the line and saying his name. And there is something in his voice. Something wrong. Something…  _ broken. _ Despite everything in him telling him not to, Adam starts the engine and turns around on the road with the phone still held against his ear. 

* * *

“I can’t believe it, Adam. I just can’t.-” Sam has an elbow braced against the small table between them and his forehead leaning into his hand. Adam averts his eyes and looks at the cooling cup of green tea in front of his brother then at his own half drunk coffee. He doesn’t know what to feel looking at Sam’s state now. “-It was after we saw that news. I was at the office. Dean was still home. He called me then got out of the house shouting on the phone. I returned home immediately because he wouldn’t tell me where he was going but only said he would bring you home.”

_ Bring Adam home. _ He bites his tongue not to throw a comeback at that. Sam isn’t the one who deserves to hear that. No. It’s Dean. “Adam he returned- He returned with another man. They were holding hands and talking in a way- I- Dean didn’t know I would be home waiting for him and you. I think I didn’t say anything in panic. He was- They kissed. Right in front of my eyes before they could see I opened the front door hearing Impala’s engine. They- Dean-  _ How could he do that? _ Michael- Michael didn’t deserve that, Adam.” 

Sam raises his eyes to Adam’s face and Adam is stunned to see them all tearful. What is happening? Sam didn’t know… Why is he even reacting this way? Adam was expecting this talk to be all about him and Dean’s nonsensical rage that unintentionally exploded at Sam too and maybe Sam would even notice he was being overly dramatic then return to his brother. But this? 

“I don’t understand this. I don’t understand anything. Dean and Michael were best friends all through their lives. Even back when we were kids, everyone knew they would grow up to fall in love and get married someday. All those years, they were the happiest together. I- How could Dean go and- Why didn’t he tell Michael he couldn’t be in a relationship like that after- after-  _ Adam even I wasn’t myself for months after that accident. _ How was Michael supposed to- Lucifer was my friend. He used to help me study history. He would- He understood me better than my own family did at times. Michael raised his brothers, he helped raise me. How was he going to just forget about his brother? And Dean is all about being a protective big brother to me in everything. Why didn’t he understand Michael’s situation? How did he hide it all this time? Adam…” 

Sam trails off there leaving Adam to consider his words in silence. Sam saw Dean with Castiel. That’s how he found out. And according to how he seems to be on Michael’s side rather than his own brother's-

“Sorry. I am sorry, Adam. I am all lamenting what happened to  _ me _ and not even thinking to ask about you. I- How are you doing?” That last question surprises Adam more than anything else Sam said today. For some reason, Adam didn’t expect to be asked- Sure he knew there would be lots of questions. He can see the unvoiced ones in Sam’s eyes.  _ Is it true that you were about to marry that man? How did you really meet him? How do you know Michael? Did he really come after you? Are you really working as a- _

But no. Sam doesn’t ask anything else instead to wait patiently for what Adam will say. So Adam takes a sip of his now lukewarm coffee not caring that it’s no longer the right temperature for him if only to give himself two more seconds before he opens his mouth. Then without him comprehending how, everything flows out. 

He starts from Michael. He talks all about how he met Michael and watches Sam’s eyes widening and his lips parting in a silent ‘o’ as he reveals his previous occupation. Sam composes himself as Adam describes the two years he spent in that line of work and watches Adam’s face with a now controlled expression.  _ So Dean told him. He was only surprised to have it confirmed but this information is nothing new to him. _ Adam doesn’t know himself how he keeps talking about his life he so wanted to keep to himself to none other than one of his half-brothers. Did Sam really have that much of an effect on him just a few minutes ago? 

He doesn’t know. Nonetheless, he continues his tale with what Dean did and what he assumed. He makes sure to emphasize again and again that Michael is only his friend, that they never had anything physical between them and that they met before the man found out about his ex-fiance and his doctor. Sam doesn’t give any implication that he doubts Adam’s words. Somehow that makes Adam keep talking and talking until he breaches the part about Zachariah. He doesn’t hold himself back. 

Maybe he needed to get it all out of his chest? Did he ever tell anyone about everything he lived there with so much detail? He remembers sitting and trading tales with Michael but- 

He tells Sam about the fight he had with Michael and how he stupidly went to Zachariah when he should have taken some time off and waited his pitiful state out. He was vulnerable then. He let Zachariah trick and use him on his own. He tells Sam all about the other clients who asked him for the same thing in the past. One was an engineer in his forties. One was married like Zachariah but in the process of divorce anyway. One was again older. One was in early thirties and a widower. He tells Sam how he refused all of them but accepted that man just because he thought it was a way out of everything. Lastly, he talks about the wedding day. He tells Sam that Michael was there to get him out of one big mistake that was sure to ruin his life. There was nothing more. 

When he is done, Adam leans back and turns his gaze to the window next to him to watch the cars and people out on the street. He doesn’t know exactly how much time passes like that. He is still internally trying to resolve why he told everything to Sam all of a sudden like this. He is mulling over whether he did good or bad. Will Sam eventually decide to stay with Dean? Will he tell him all of these? Adam doesn’t think so but still, life has long taught him to better be safe than sorry. And what will Sam even say to him now? Will he do what Dean did? Look down on him and-

“He has no right to withhold your belongings.-” Adam turns to face his brother so fast his own head spins with the sudden sharp movement.  _ What? _ “-Legally, you can and should go and gather your property, Adam. You can’t just let him get away with what he did to you and keep all those items vitally necessary to you on top of it. If you don’t feel safe doing it alone a lawyer should-” 

“ _ Except _ there are lots and lots illegal about what I did with that man, Sam. Do you even know what you are telling me to do?” Sam raises his chin straightening his spine and puts both hands on the table before slightly leaning in. Adam would, if he isn’t preoccupied with other thoughts now, marvel at the difference he sees between this Sam in front of him and the one from just a minute ago. The one talking now is the lawyer, he notices. 

“What will Zachariah do about it? Risk carrying this to court? Your deeds aren’t the only ones punishable by law, Adam. He was also in that chain. Also with what you told me, your boss must have found some way to look legal at the very least if he managed to keep the business up this long. You are probably aware how this topic is one of the most complicated debates in the country. Certain adult services are legal and others, partly so. Every state has differing laws on each specific subject. This in turn allows lots of leeway and loopholes to disguise other illegal parts pretty easily. Even if Zachariah blames you for your work, as long as this Crowley who he will claim acts as the middleman isn’t caught, you too won’t be. That is unless Zachariah has very solid evidence. And as I said, even if he proves it, he too would be severely punished along with you. Also, there is the matter of him being married at the start of your relationship. You mentioned he was abusive to his ex-wife too. With the woman now divorced and safer, we could convince her to come to court with her own case against the man since he would already be sure to do jail time. I know from experience that she would be braver. Then we could make sure this case leaks to the media. With a company as his, we will be sure to find complaints from the employees and maybe even business partners who we could also convince to be against him on a law level. With that, he will lose money and prestige which is worse than death to most businessmen. He won’t reveal a thing, Adam.”

Adam simply blinks at his brother’s face. Of all the things he expected Sam to say, this- He is mostly shocked at how the older man is talking about this matter as if it’s nothing. Sam didn’t even bat an eyelash during that small speech. He didn’t question anything. He didn’t- The first matter he is concerned with is that Adam gets his things back from Zachariah instead of the obvious scandals of the man’s age and relationship to Adam through Adam’s choices that would be frowned upon by everyone. Why?

“Let me represent you. I can call him as your lawyer then go to retrieve everything from his address with you. You don’t even have to get out of the car if you don’t want to. You will just confirm it’s everything you left there and I will of course warn him about police if he tries anything-”

“Stop!. Sam just…  _ stop. _ Okay, you don’t seem to hate me like Dean does and you have a more open mind I see but that’s enough. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want-” Just as Adam starts to feel the first few sparks of anger lighting up in his chest, Sam shakes his head and sighs. Then he reaches over the table and puts a hand on Adam’s arm.

“Do you think I pity you? Do you think I am trying to help out of guilt?-” Adam tries to respond but Sam beats him to speaking. Again with the determined stance of a lawyer, he locks his eyes with Adam’s. “ _ I am _ guilty, Adam. This society that left you no other choice is guilty. We, your family, are guilty for not being there for you. I never stopped to question anything when I should have made sure you were alright right after dad passed away at the latest. I thought of your aunt who you stayed with for years, I taught of your high grades and the scholarships you must have earned and I never asked myself how you were paying for school. I never tried to help out. I should have been there, I should have seen the signs. Then that man and all the others couldn’t have hurt you. I kept saying we are family but I didn’t do any of what family should have. I am guilty but it’s not because of that.”

Sam leans away, taps on his phone a few times then turns the screen to Adam. There is the picture of a woman whose face has been stitched in several places with bruises covering almost every inch of exposed skin on her arms, neck and chest. It’s horrible. Adam can’t bear to look at it for more than two seconds. 

“See, this is one of my clients. She was also doing the same work as you. One day, a man beat her to half death when she refused to go home with him. He smashed a bottle and cut her face in a dirty alley behind a bar. When she was found and hospitalised, police arrested the man. I volunteered to help her when I heard about her case through a friend. We lost, Adam.  _ We lost. _ The man got five months. Later, she got six months for being a ‘first time offender’ in what she had to do to survive and for her baby to survive. They took her child. She was assaulted in prison. You know what happened?” Adam does. He has seen this happen before. He has heard the same thing countless times. “ _ She died.  _ She committed suicide.”

The raw fury in Sam’s face nearly makes him flinch back. “This could have been you, Adam. Do you know how dangerous your work is? Do you know how many die like this and the real offenders don’t even pay for it? This is-  _ I don’t pity you. _ I don’t pity any of you. You got out, you got away with your life but I can’t even imagine what you faced in those two years. How strong you had to be to bear everything and still keep your school and your dreams. Adam I am angry. I am angry at that Zachariah. I am angry at the man who killed my client. I am angry at everyone who ever was violent to you and others left desperate to fend for themselves. I am angry at Dean for how he reacted, for what he did to you. I am angry at myself for being so impotent. But now, I want to focus on the matter at hand. I am asking for a chance from you to be there with you, Adam. Let me represent you. Let me help. Let me be true to my word and be your brother. Let me help Michael too. Listen, I already made my mind. I am renting a place for myself as soon as I can. I will go to a hotel till then. Come with me. I am pretty sure this friend you are staying with now is great according to how you described him but… Please come with me. Let’s get your belongings back, get a place and look forward. We can plan finances for your school together. You can get a new job. You can go to your classes. I don’t know just- You don’t even have to answer immediately. Just think.”

Think? 

To live with Sam? To go see Zachariah one more time? To really try to start over? To get another job out of that agency he spent most of his time in the last two years? Now, it doesn’t really sound that terrible. Still- “Okay. I will do as you say and take my time to think. I will… call you?” He finishes rather meekly for which he would have berated himself on any other occasion. Now though, his attention is on the way Sam’s lips twitch into a smile. 

Just maybe… 


	16. Chapter 16

Adam can’t believe it. 

He remembers how nervous he was throughout the last week only thinking about Sam, the phone call his brother had in front of him and the quick ride they would be having on friday. He remembers waking up and almost changing his mind. Thankfully, Sam didn’t actually give him a choice that morning, appearing to pick him up from Benny’s then tactfully forming an alliance with the older man to pep talk Adam all the way to the car. Adam remembers how his hands trembled on his lap with apprehension and…  _ fear _ ? He can’t tell now. He couldn’t tell then. Sam didn’t allow him to dive deep into his own thoughts and question the moment and what they were doing. Before they knew how, they were pulling up in front of  _ that house _ . 

Adam didn’t go to the front door with Sam. His brother, in his black suit and with his cleverly styled hair, stood tall towering over both Zachariah and his assistant. Adam could distantly make out what he was saying but wasn’t really paying attention to him. Instead, his eyes were on the old man in the door scowling at the lawyer in front of him as two other men carried out Adam’s two suitcases and three cardboard boxes with everything he had left in that place. 

Now, Adam truly can’t believe it worked. Sam did his wonder right in front of Adam’s eyes. He first called Zachariah, explained what they wanted then started this debate with the other man’s lawyers on how a potential lawsuit would ruin their client. Adam doesn’t even know how he managed to win having not understood most of what Sam said with all the law terms and references to pieces of law with long number codes. He only knows that his brother is good at his job. Very good. Because now, he is putting hangers through his clothes and organising them in his new wardrobe in the flat he will be sharing with Sam. They pulled that move and actually got away with it.  _ That era of your life is over. That man will never get anywhere close to you again. _ Sam went to pat Adam’s back once they drove all the way back to Benny’s. Adam hugged him. For the first time ever. 

He finishes with his clothes then spins in a half circle on his heels to see what else is to be done in his room. The flat and its rooms are on the smaller side with the kitchen joined to the living room, a bathroom and balcony squeezed in and the two identical bedrooms only large enough to fit single beds along with the rest of the furniture. Of that, they don’t have much either. They got a living room pack with a sofa, two armchairs, a coffee table, curtains, a rug and a TV stand even though they don’t yet own a TV. They have a round dining table with portable plastic chairs in bright colors Adam loved. Benny gave them cutlery, plates, bowls, mugs, pots and whatever else necessary in a kitchen from the storage of his diner. They got to buy desks and shelves in their rooms too along with beds and wardrobes so the essentials are all complete. The thought brings a smile to Adam’s face. This is a start. A new beginning. He wouldn’t ever imagine himself getting one with his half brother of all but still, it is pleasant. To most, it isn’t even much. The flat is still considerably bare with no pictures on the walls or bathrobes hanging from doors or hoodies and jackets left anywhere or vases and little items on display or random snack wrappers and empty mugs on the desks. 

They will get it all with time. 

* * *

“Anything to share today, Michael? You look cheerful this morning.” Jo smiles at him as she always does and ushers him to sit on the light pink mat in front of the window in her office with her. This place resembles anything but an office honestly but Michael likes it for that sole reason. He likes the colors he sees everywhere from the wallpaper to the pens on Jo’s desk. He likes the relaxed atmosphere and the fresh flowers that never fail to be found in this room. He likes the chocolate chip cookies Jo makes herself and of course, the best part of it all is the young woman sharing it all with Michael. 

“My friend is doing better. I think he made up with one of his brothers who he didn’t really talk to for a long time. We talked on the phone yesterday. He asked my opinion on the color of the blanket he wanted to buy for his new flat. He is really doing better. It makes me happy.” Michael can hear the smile in his own voice. It was one of the very first things Jo taught him. To focus on his own voice when he talked out loud and to recognize his own emotions before willing himself to face them. It works wonders just like the blonde woman who reminds Michael of sunshine. 

“That’s awesome! Last week you were looking much more somber. You missed appointments with Dr. Harvelle and me. You didn’t want to believe me when I said you would be feeling better with time. I think I am seeing significant progress not only since then but since we met, Michael. This week, we will have a group therapy on Friday and one more private session after today with you. I think it’s time we try some ambiance change with you. I want you to think about anywhere you’d like to go out of this office and your flat please. At the end of the session, we will decide on another location to meet the day after tomorrow. You can start small, anywhere else would work. I believe we will move forward fast enough with how well you are doing, okay?”

Michael thinks about it for three seconds then nods. It’s true that he missed appointments when- Well, that’s all in the past now. Adam has a new place to live. Sam is apparently supporting his brother fully. Dean has been silent for a few days now and that old man has retreated into his corner. People are slowly forgetting the newspapers and the headlines with Adam’s face underneath. Of course it will take a lot more than a few days for this phase to pass and for people to completely leave Adam alone but what little peace they have now is still something. Finally, things are slowing down enough for Michael to get back into his routine with his work and his treatment. 

He owes Sam a big thanks after what the younger man did. To be truthful, a part of Michael is kind of mad at himself. Why didn’t  _ he _ think of what Sam did? He is also a lawyer. It should have been the first thing that came to his mind when- But of course running away from a wedding with the groom in his car then having Dean attack them again and again left him no time to even sit and calm down. Of course he is a bit out of touch with his last four years mostly spent isolated and remote working. But he also knows it wasn’t really his fault that he didn’t have his head clear enough to act as Sam did to represent and defend Adam. He offered his help in a case of possible lawsuit as it was the only thing he could do after Sam did his part brilliantly. 

He takes a deep breath and lets himself relax. For the first time in what might be weeks, he is feeling well. 

* * *

When Adam finds it, Sam is off at work and he is just about to go on a grocery run to have something to snack on as he studies for his first quiz this semester. The edge of the box catches his eye under the passenger seat and he recognizes the thing before even picking it up. 

How could he even forget about this in the first place? 

To his defense, what he saw the day he received this thing was not an easy bite to swallow. Certainly not. And what else followed after never allowed Adam to focus on anything other than what was going on at the moment. He too didn’t want to think about anything for a long while so… It’s actually pretty natural that he never got to look inside this shoebox taped three times over and has his name scribbled in black marker on the top. 

It doesn’t look like much. Adam knows it isn’t much. Just- He thinks back to John Winchester and the brief time they got to spend together. He doesn’t even properly know the man. He doesn’t know anything about his father. They weren’t that close. John Winchester was married. He had two kids and a nice life. He wasn’t allowed to be Adam’s father. Not really. Adam doesn’t even know if the man wanted to do so. They went to ball games, ate ice cream, saw a movie once, got burgers a few times and John made it to a philosophy club debate Adam’s team won when the man appeared in the highschool on a random day. That’s it. Everything. Once a year on his birthday and on a few random days every few months. Since Adam’s twelfth birthday to a week after his eighteenth when the man died. Overall, maybe fifteen days at most. Adam has spent that little time with him. So what could he have left Adam? What little thing might have fit in this box?

Forgetting about the groceries, Adam walks back up the stairs to the flat and sits on the sofa with the box on his lap. It doesn’t take long to decide. 

A notebook. 

A leather covered journal from the fifties. 

* * *

“I just couldn’t accept that, Michael. You are a brother to me too. When I wanted to study law instead of being a mechanic like dad and Dean, you supported me even though no one else would. You convinced Dean. You helped me get into my dream school. You helped me secure my internship with the best law firm of the state. You might not be blood but you are family. I couldn’t stand to be near Dean after I learned- Well, at least I am doing what I think is right and getting to bond with my other brother in the process.”

Michael doesn’t know how to reply to that. Part of him is happy and proud of Sam. He remembers the days when he and Dean would chase after Sam who was just two and learning to run. He remembers bottle-feeding Sam, putting him down for a nap in his father’s hammock as they played under the sun. He remembers sitting a toddler Sam on a cushion in front of the fireplace and watching as his mother helped the boy hold a newborn Gabriel for pictures. He remembers the time Sam ran to his and Dean’s class on his first day of school. He remembers the sleepovers they had in each other’s houses, the evenings spent helping the homework of four younger boys with Dean’s help, the graduation days, the science fairs, the holidays spent together,.. Along the way, Sam has become one of Michael’s brother’s. And Lucifer absolutely adored him too. 

“I wanted to come see how you’re doing again. I mean, I already know how you run your own office from home but it never ceases to be impressive. I heard you won that case with the custody battle. No one believed the father had a chance. That man has been trying for three years. How did you even do it?” Sam asks with genuine interest and Michael starts recounting the case file with a shrug and a small smile. 

* * *

Adam settles in his room with the journal. Deciding if he wants to read it or not takes longer than he would admit if asked but in the end, he finds he doesn’t really have a choice here. This is John Winchester’s journal, his life. Tiny it might be, this is still what will probably be the only chance Adam will ever get to know his father. Isn’t that what the late man wanted to give him? Maybe it is even an apology, a last precarious effort to make up for the time lost between annual visits and a different life tying the man down. 

Does Adam… want it to be so?

This one question is the one that hurts the most. He remembers being twelve and begging his mom’s ear off to give his father a call. He was a kid. Everyone had a dad. He was always envious of his friends for that. He spent hours at night imagining his own father. In his mind, John Winhester was everything he wanted but couldn’t get in his modest life with a single parent and hours upon hours alone at home caring for and raising himself. If John Winchester knew he had a son, he would surely rush over in joy. They would be together. His mom would work less. He would have weekend trips with his parents, two people coming to school plays and parent meetings, a dad to take to the ceremony when he finally became an eagle scout, maybe even a baby sister or brother like his best friend’s. His mom would certainly be happier too. They would be happy. 

Adam remembers his twelfth birthday. He remembers how giddy he was. Then he had eavesdropped as his mom and John talked in the kitchen and learned- His father wasn’t going to stay. He couldn’t. He had a wife. He had- Adam had brothers. John wanted to go back to them. He loved them more. 

Adam remembers his thirteenth birthday. His father wanted to be there with him on that special day. So things didn’t work out between the man and his mom. That happened between adults right? John Winchester dropped by every few months. It was the most frequent he could come over since he lived in another state far away right? He got Adam gifts. He said one of his brothers chose one. He told them about Adam so that meant he loved Adam right? It would all work out somehow. Right?

_ Wrong. _

Nothing worked out. 

First his mom. Then- Adam was kicked away to his aunt’s and to a cold school from there. His dad-  _ John Winchester _ did nothing. He appeared for the funeral. He hugged Adam close after he put Adam’s luggage in the trunk of the car. His aunt’s car. Not the sleek black classic car Adam admired. Adam didn’t look back at the lone figure watching them drive away without even thinking of waving. He didn’t look. He didn’t mean anything to that man. And the man didn’t mean anything to him. Not at all. 

Three whole years passed like that. Adam received money from John just the same as when the man paid child support to his mom after learning about Adam. At least that. He at least did that. Though the fact didn’t do anything to ease Adam’s mind or heart. He felt- He felt like a charity case and not even John’s at that. No. He was a charity case of the man’s wife. The woman who let her husband go see that  _ other _ child now and then and actually give him money. Adam had learned by then that there was no law protecting his rights. He had no rights on John and his family. Adam wasn’t his son. He was born out of wedlock. He had his mom’s last name. His father wasn’t there when his ID was issued. The man didn’t do anything to change that fact. 

Three years. Adam lived like that for three years. Then another death and another funeral. Adam didn’t cry. Just like that, he was left truly alone in the world. Nothing actually new. There was nothing to cry over. 

Now, sitting on his bed with the first page of the journal open, Adam doesn’t know how he feels. Is he looking for-

_ 12 April 1970 _

_ I turned sixteen. Mom gave me dad’s journal. She always knew I wanted this thing. It’s one of the only few things we have left of him besides some of his books and clothes mom couldn’t throw away since 1958 when he died. I was just four then. I think I remember him a bit. I remember a man, I remember his smile. I remember the music box and the song it played when it was still working. Mom says dad got it for me because I couldn’t sleep. It comforted me. Now I will see if this journal will do the same. I don’t think I will write much here. I want this to last. I want to carry a part of my dad with me my whole life. Maybe I will have a son of my own to whom I will show this journal when he asks about his grandfather.  _

The short entry sets a feeling akin to dread in him. Or maybe sadness. Adam looks at the black and white picture carefully taped on the page. It shows a young man in his early twenties at most crouching next to a little boy. It’s hard to believe that this child is John Winchester himself. It’s hard to believe this handwriting in black ink belongs to a teen version of the man. The high quality paper hasn’t even yellowed a bit. So John really took care of this journal all these years. So he really cherished the memory of his father. 

_ 28 October 1973 _

_ I am back from Vietnam. Mom was in tears when she saw me at the door. I guess letters weren’t enough for either of us because I hugged her for hours before I fell asleep with my head on her lap. I wish dad was here to see me back too. I was a corporal. I know it’s not that high in marine but I think he would be proud of me nonetheless.  _

John was a marine. And he served in Vietnam. Just on the second page, Adam is feeling as if he is prying into something he shouldn’t. With every word he reads, every bit of new information, his father’s face is repainted with new colors in his mind. 

He still doesn’t know how to feel as he inspects the again black and white picture of a young man only nineteen in his uniform and carrying a duffel. Nineteen. Younger than Adam. Back from war. He stares too long at the smile on young John’s face. 

* * *

“You should keep reading it Adam-” Sam tells him immediately without hesitation once Adam shows him the journal. “-Dad always wrote in it but never showed it to anyone. That journal was priceless to him. He told us it was left to him from his father. After- After he passed, all three of us looked everywhere for it. Guess dad wanted you to have it. Maybe he wanted you to know him, huh?”

Adam’s head snaps up to face Sam at that. Did he hear right? The exact same thing as Adam himself thought- Sam must know John better than Adam. So is it true- 

“I know for certain how much dad regretted not being able to bring you home, Adam. It was- What he did wasn’t right of course. He regretted it. But not you you. Never you. I think he actually loved you even if he wasn’t very good at showing it. It was the same with me and Dean too. Dad was always a bit rough around the edges. Him and mom weren’t always in that fairytale love. They fought a lot. I think dad was afraid of losing me and Dean too. So- I don’t really know but I am sure of one thing: Dad loved you, Adam. He wished the circumstances were different.” 

Adam furrows his brows as he glares at the journal in his hands. 

* * *

The day in school isn’t as hard as it was at first. Adam sits by himself in a corner and simply takes notes during all three lectures. There are a few students still whispering at each other when Adam passes and he always sits alone in the coffee shop or the library when he wants to study when someone would ask to sit with him during busy hours. But it’s nothing as bad as he anticipated. Some homophobic remarks he already got now and then before everyone saw his face in the news too, people avoiding him and being tense maybe if Adam is around them. That’s about it. Nothing he can’t handle. Nothing like he feared in his pathetic state crying his eyes out on Michael’s floor with the man desperately trying to help him calm down. 

In the afternoon, he goes to the park nearby the campus. Michael called him in the morning. Today, he doesn’t have any appointments and he should be done with most of his work by now. His new psychologist wants him to try to get out of the flat and they have agreed that locations where there aren’t many people might be a good start. He could meet with a friend who would help if something went wrong. To Adam, it’s a perfect idea. They could just sit on a bench and chat then walk around a little. Michael is yet to see Adam’s new flat with Sam. Maybe he can even convince the older man to come over some time. Benny could come too. Adam chuckles to himself in the car trying to come up with a basic list of movies and games they would all like. 

Michael appears only a few minutes after Adam sits himself down with a light book in front of the fountain. The man walks tentatively, keeping his eyes around in case someone gets close. He manages to make his way over to Adam without any incident. 

“You look well, Adam. I’m guessing your school and classes aren’t as hard as you expected.” They smile at each other for a second before Adam nods. He tells Michael about his day and about a psychology class he is taking this semester. Michael holds up a bag of sandwiches in the middle of his speech and hands Adam a Capri-Sun so they fall into a synchronous fit of chuckles at the innocent juice packet. 

The sun starts going down, painting the world into shades of orange around them. Adam feels easy, carefree as they talk about nothing and anything. He listens to tales of Jo and her chirpy personality, Michael’s assistant confusing a case for another and having him work on the wrong file for half a day, Sam calling Michael for advice on a case of his own, Ellen once again stating it unnecessary to prescribe medication and the stray cat Michael fed yesterday who then followed him home. He finds himself giggling every time he turns his gaze down to the juice in his hand and smiling hard enough to feel his cheeks getting numb as Michael becomes more and more relaxed. 

Suddenly it dawns on him, this is the happiest he has ever seen Michael. The man smiled and laughed when he showed some progress with Adam helping him before but- This is different. No matter what happened back then, Michael always looked as if he was carrying the world on his shoulders. He  _ was _ carrying the world on his shoulders then. Now, Michael seems… free. 

It suits him. 

Adam locks his gaze with the bright green of Michael’s eyes, takes a second to stupidly marvel at how different the color looks with the dusk around them then speaks his mind with his posture straight and his expression still softened into a smile. 

“Michael, I want to keep helping with your treatment if you’ll let me.”

After the last month’s, this was the first thing that came to his mind when Adam asked himself what he wanted to do now in his first night in the new flat. He has never been this sure of anything. 


	17. Chapter 17

The first thing Adam does with his decision to keep helping Michael is to invite him and Benny to the new flat for a movie and game night as he imagined not long ago. Sam is happy to have Adam’s friend and Michael over when Adam asks. So they decide on friday night when Adam is finished with school for the week, Sam comes home earlier and Michael doesn’t have any appointments the day after. 

On his way back from his last class, Adam almost flies home. He gets popcorn, beer and a small variety of non-alcoholic drinks from the store then tries to make the living room a bit more comfy with TV blankets he bought from some small shop around the campus and a little cleaning. They still don’t have a TV but Sam has a projector he sometimes uses to demonstrate something to a larger group of clients and they have a perfectly nice white wall so it will be more like a home cinema when they draw the curtains and turn off the lights. 

Sam comes back from work with the projector and a big paper bag which reveals Monopoly, Jenga and Taboo. “I was going to get Twister. Michael could spin for us but I am… You also aren’t exactly tiny, so, you know…” Sam trails off gesturing to the relatively narrow living space with a small pout that would look better suited on a toddler’s face and Adam  _ laughs _ . 

“A wise decision. Honestly, I don’t think Benny would have liked to play twister with a small and a bit smaller giant. Especially given he is only slightly shorter than me. Also he is like,  _ ripped _ so he would totally crush us if he were to fall.” Sam too chuckles at the mental image even though he saw the other man maybe twice all added up. 

* * *

Michael is the first to arrive with his group therapy ending right on time and his assistant mostly done with everything. Adam greets him with a big smile. This is the first time Michael is here and the older man looks around with an expression almost as happy as Adam’s. Out of nowhere, he pulls out a small package and ceremoniously hands it to Adam. “Probably the first piece of decoration for your new place. I hope you like it. I saw it in Jo’s office. She gave me the Etsy link. It made me happy so maybe it will help here too.” 

Adam doesn’t know what to say to that so he settles for thanking him and slowly opening the package. Sam comes out of his room and sees the colorful gift too. It’s the first new house gift they receive and the little thing manages to put a smile on Sam’s face too. “Thank you, Michael. Though having you here is a great gift on its own. I am glad you made it.” He softly grabs his upper arms with curled hands and nods at Michael. The older man shakes his head but returns the gesture just the same. “For now, it’s only the sign for ‘hug’ but I have my place reserved as the first person Michael will hug so don’t even think about it, Adam.” 

“Didn’t even cross my mind.” Adam promises which is true. He was more thinking about how he couldn’t come up with ASL himself. There are a million ways of saying or doing something without touching someone when it comes to sign language after all. Maybe it was true when Michael mentioned Sam is some kind of genius who knows a chunk of everything imaginable. 

The party truly starts only when Benny comes bearing boxes and bags full of no doubt enough food to feed a village. Soon, they are all laughing, chatting over an early dinner and making bets for the games already. For some reason, Michael is very confident when it comes to poker and Sam is making puppy eyes at Benny and Adam to make them listen to him and refuse that game. Well, Adam has never backed out of a challenge before. 

_ However _ , sometimes it is best to withdraw. One must know not to bite more than he can chew. A valuable lesson learned from tonight when Michael single handedly beats them all in every card game they can think of to play. “Even dad used to grumble about having created a monster, Michael. Have some mercy.” Sam huffs as Michael openly laughs, throwing his head back and all. This is the very first time Adam sees him like this. Never would he have guessed Michael could love playing these games so much.  _ If it means the man will always be in this good of spirits, Adam could take being beaten again and again.  _ And-

Okay, that last thought kinda came out of nowhere but Adam is surprised to find he was all serious all of a sudden and trying to think of other games for two people to play with Michael. And he felt excited for some reason. Maybe he is happy with his friends and his brother who turned out to be a pretty decent person around him. Well that certainly explains his heart picking up a beat. 

He shakes his head and focuses on something else.  _ Having created a monster.  _ Did John Winchester teach Michael how to play? Adam already knows their families were close so it’s not a far-fetched possibility. Suddenly, he wonders about Michael's relationship with the late man. Also he once again asks himself how he couldn’t notice before that Michael would also know lots about his father. But then again, what will he even do with that information?

A strong pat on his shoulder from Benny brings Adam back to the moment. He stands to make popcorn when Sam announces he is setting up their movie. The rest of the evening is spent marathoning Godfather. Sam and Michael team up to criticise everything about law in the movies including Michael Corleone’s court scene in the second movie and his efforts to legalize later on. Adam doesn’t understand the tiniest bit from their conversation and by the looks, Benny too doesn’t. So the two of them settle for comparing Kay and Appolonia instead. One thing all four of them agree is that Mary Corleone inheriting Appolonia’s fate kills her father in the end. 

When they are done watching all three movies, it’s well past two in the morning. Benny ruffles Adam’s hair as he always does as he bids him goodnight, waves at Sam and leaves with Michael who looks tired but more content than Adam has ever seen him be. 

* * *

Adam finally loses to the urge to open his desk drawer just the next day after hours and hours of thinking back to the revelation he had about his friend knowing his father better than him. Logically, there is nothing wrong with wanting to look through the journal that was for some reason unbeknownst to him left to the illegitimate, abandoned child that he is. Adam finally admits to himself that he- He actually wants to know more. There is something about those old pages and the nice handwriting he can’t match with the distant parent in his head. That journal somehow draws Adam in. 

So with a small sigh, he picks it up and goes back to sit on his bed. 

_ 19 August 1975 _

_ I am sticking to my plan of writing sparingly and only on important days. But still, I might be here more and more. I feel, with Mary, I will have many days I want to remember forever. This is the first as a family with her. She looks so beautiful, doesn’t she? _

Adam reads the lines and inspects the wedding photo. Indeed, the woman looks beautiful in her wedding dress. They are both smiling at the camera and if John’s expression looks distantly impatient, it’s because he can’t wait to be done with the photo and look at his wife. His words above the photo are as hopeful as their hands joined in their youth. Yet- Their beautiful family was torn apart at last. Adam himself is the proof of it, isn’t he? 

With a quick motion, he turns the page not being able to bear the scene of undisturbed happiness in the old photo and knowing it was crumbled. 

_ 24 January 1979 _

_ Dean is here. He so perfect. He is small and he looks like Mary. I was at first afraid of holding him. The nurse made me sit down and helped me cradle Dean. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I can’t believe it. I have a son. That tiny thing is mine. He is our baby. I can’t believe I just became a father. They said Dean will come home with us. We will have a baby at home. I spent hours sitting by the bassinet as Mary slept. Will I even be able to sleep anymore when I can just sit in the nursery and watch over my son? It feels weird even writing this. My son. I have a son. My hands are shaking. I just cried out of nowhere before the nurse came in and showed Mary how to feed him. I helped too. Then I got to hold him again. He is so little. Is it even normal? Are newborns always that size? He is so quiet too. The nurse said Dean is very clever. He is being good because he knows we are new at this and learning. I know it’s silly but what if it’s true? Other babies are all wailing while my son just listens to Mary and I talking to him then he sleeps. And he sleeps so peacefully. He knows mom and dad are here to take care of him. Dad. I am his dad. I can’t believe it. And I didn’t believe it when people told me this is the best feeling in the world. I was obviously being an idiot. How did I even live twenty five years without Dean?  _

Adam can  _ feel _ the smile John must have had on his face as he scribbled these words perched on a hospital chair. He reads the lines again and again. So this is how the man felt. He was overjoyed. He was in love with his wife. He had a son. He had everything. So this is how loving of a father he was. So this is what Adam’s existence ruined. On the same page, there is the photo of a baby in a green blanket and a hospital bracelet around his small wrist. Adam avoids looking at it for long. 

_ 11 June 1981 _

_ I look back to my last entry and miss them even more. Mary went to her parents’ house two weeks ago. This is the longest we have ever been apart. We always had fights even before having Dean but it was never like this. I am ashamed to admit I too have left home for two days once when Dean was five months old but that was already two years ago. I had used a large part of our savings to become a partner of the business and not just a simple mechanic working in the shop. It was for our child. I know I should have asked Mary first and she was right then but now, I just don’t know. She answered my calls finally but she doesn’t sound any better. We fought because of work again. I came home late for a few nights. I now own the shop but I still work on cars. What else can I do if I can’t hire more than two other mechanics and one is on leave because he just lost his sister? I am still trying to replace the money I used to buy the entire place because Mary still doesn’t like that I used that. I am trying for her and for our son. Why does this keep happening? _

_ 21 June 1981 _

_ They are back. I can’t believe I spent an entire month separated from my son. He grew up a lot. Mary said he kept crying for me. Dean doesn’t want his parents to fight. We should do better than this. Mary and I agreed to start over and think twice before we pull something like this again.  _

_ 8 February 1982 _

_ We fought again. I was afraid it would escalate like the last time. It didn’t. This time it was about Mary. She wants to send Dean to preschool and work with me at the shop. I have been teaching the job to her but Dean is just three. He is too young for school. I want us to take care of him instead of random teachers. Mary thinks I am being sexist and I am trying to trap her at home to look after children and do chores for the rest of her life. She was an independent girl and I understand being a stay-at-home mom isn’t what she really wants from life. Maybe we should get a babysitter instead. I still don’t like this.  _

_ 10 December 1982 _

_ Mary is pregnant again. We learned just a few days ago. We sat and explained to Dean that he would have a baby to play with. He likes the idea for now. What scares me is Mary. She says morning sickness lately is getting to her. She is always tired, doesn’t want to get out of bed, doesn’t want to do anything… Mom says not to worry and this happens to pregnant women sometimes. Though she wasn’t like this with Dean. I just hope both her and our baby stay healthy and strong. I love them both.  _

_ 2 May 1983 _

_ Sammy scared us a great deal. He decided to come suddenly. He is a few days early according to the doctor but it thankfully isn’t anything dangerous. He is a very loud baby. Not like Dean at all. But he is pretty healthy too. This little one looks more like my side of the family. He doesn’t sleep nearly as much as Dean did too. As soon as I start talking to him, he opens his eyes and carefully looks at my face. He is listening, already trying to learn in my opinion. I know he will turn out a great man once he grows up. Apparently he is going to be so clever too. That’s what Mary’s mom says. I had an idea. Dean was acting a little clingy to Mary and he didn’t really want to be around the baby when his grandparents brought him here so I told him he would be helping us teach Sammy everything because he is already big and he knows lots. After that he wanted to sit next to Sammy and started telling him all about preschool, colors, numbers and whatever he could think of. Watching them is something I will never forget in my life. Welcome Sammy.  _

Adam stops reading when the page ends. He sees a photo much like Dean’s. There is also one showing Mary Winchester on a hospital bed with blue balloons tied to the sides along with John sitting next to her with Sam in his arms and Dean sitting between them looking at his baby brother. He hastily carries the journal back to the drawer. 

* * *

Michael finds himself often thinking. He thinks about whatever Jo tells and teaches him. He thinks about his progress. He thinks about the past few months’ events. He thinks about how eerily silent Dean is being. Normally, the man isn’t one to stop his efforts at anything if he thinks he is right and if he has things he wants to have. Maybe Sam abruptly leaving hurt him more than either of the brothers anticipated. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t care.

To find he actually doesn’t care shocks Michael to the core. For years, he and Dean shared their lives. They were going to get married. They would have been the happiest two people alive if they had. For four years, Michael held onto life just because he had Dean. He lost his brother. One wrong move of the other driver took his brother at the spring of his life away from him. Michael would have died of grief if not for Dean. He started treatment, wanted to get better just to be able to have Dean with him. So why? Now, why doesn’t he feel devastated? Why didn’t he cry after those first two weeks? Did he unconsciously accept he lost Dean forever while he was trying to find Adam then get him out of that man’s grasp then help him again? Did Dean blaming him for going after Adam not hurt as much as it would otherwise have because of that? Was his focus on Adam rather than himself actually helpful? Was Dean’s unacceptable behaviour lately enough to make Michael completely forget about him? 

He was cheated on. 

That knowledge should have destroyed him. 

Why didn’t it? Was it because he wasn’t totally alone? Was it because he had Adam? And when he thinks of the younger man, when he thinks of everything Adam has done for him, why does he feel- Is it because he didn’t have any friends for the last four years? And he genuinely likes spending time with Adam. Was it why he didn’t feel as lonely as he would have after losing Dean? He remembers how empty the flat felt when Adam went to stay at Benny’s. He remembers how he spent a whole night comfortably sleeping when Adam was lying just next to him when it would have normally freaked him out to stand that close to anyone? He remembers the days before that accident happened. 

Lately, Michael is feeling closer to those days whenever him and Adam do something together. He is truly thankful. And hopeful. 

He thinks back to last night and the games they played all together. He hasn’t done anything like that in years. He bets Adam hasn’t too. The younger man was having the time of his life while looking around like a small child awed at everything and unbelieving. All night, Michael found himself turning again and again to look at his big smile. He likes that look on Adam’s face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A peaceful chapter after long struggles:)
> 
> In my own life, I am still struggling with some things but I am trying to stay positive and hopeful. The support I got from all of you made me so happy. I am in fine health and working to do my best with everything. I don't know what the future will bring but I hope it's the best for all of us out there. Thanks for reading and being with me. <3

**Author's Note:**

> So what do you all think??? Comments are highly appreciated. I reply to each one. 
> 
> Another idea from my midam prompts list. I expect it to be about 50k when finished. Enjoy!!!


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